To only want to collect and ferry my own kids around

(73 Posts)
fruitninja Mon 12-Nov-12 16:30:50

I have a good friend. She's always on standby for an emergency and I have only had to use her once or twice. I probably help her out more, because she works and I don't, so I tend to pick her little one up from school maybe once a week and I don't mind at all because she is a very kind and good person.

So much so that her other good friend often puts on her (although the friend does return the favours, so I guess they both benefit).

Trouble is, the friend, who I know a bit, has started asking me to help in non emergency situations and at first I kept saying yes and we have done at least one help for them once a week. Then I realised the favours weren't ever returned, no thank-yous, last minute requests by text for lifts or pick ups because she was stuck at the shops with her hubby etc.

Her kids are at junior and mine at infants. She has lots of friends in Junior whom she goes out with (we don't hang out) so I find it weird why she doesn't ask them, when she doesn't know me that well. She doesn't work, like me.

Her husband works away alot. She won't ask his (fit and healthy) MOm who lives opposite the school for help, either. She won't ask her husband to take the day off if it is something big (my husband has to book time off if necessary and I have had to call on the inlaws in the odd emergency).

Thing is, she just assumes I will help, maybe because our mutual friend is softer or maybe because she sees me helping our mutual friend - and I really don't want to anymore - unless it's an emergency, of course. I simply want to collect my kids and go home. Or, I wouldn't mind as much if the favours were returned.

By association of my kindhearted friend I feel I am now being put on by this other woman.
The one time she went on holiday with her hubby on term time and I was volunteered to help ferry the kids around etc. I wish somebody would help me out so I could go away.

Thing is how do I get out of it (at first, when I volunteered I didn't realise she would take advantage or not reciprocate the favours)? I've been told to say I am busy until she gets the message. But my kindhearted friend would know I am lying.

I have considered chatting to our mutual friend. But their friendship is much older than ours. Their families go out together. I don't think the mutual friend realises that I have never had any favours returned, and maybe if she did she would understand. I don't want to rock the boat.

Plus, I have some personal issues at the moment in my relationship, and I don't want the stress.

winterhill Mon 12-Nov-12 17:53:58

Let us know when you do your first decline and how she reacts.

stifnstav Mon 12-Nov-12 18:02:02

So she expected you/your other friend to sort out your own multiple kids plus her THREE? The cheeky mare!

How do all these children legally fit in (presumably) your one vehicle? She is super-rude and presumptious. I'm agog!

OTheHugeManatee Mon 12-Nov-12 18:05:22

Is she by any chance a relative of Terrible Cunt Mum from that other thread?

gettingeasier Mon 12-Nov-12 18:08:50

I may need you later in the week ???

That is priceless , way up there with the biggest piss takers we hear about YABU and dont at any point use the word sorry just stick to no I cant !

gettingeasier Mon 12-Nov-12 18:09:36

Eeek YANBU !!

ENormaSnob Mon 12-Nov-12 18:10:49

She is taking the piss.

You are letting her.

You are being treated as a mug and seem to be embracing it.

DecAndAnt Mon 12-Nov-12 18:19:58

Agree with everyone and just say no.
Your time with your children is precious, don't waste it looking after ungrateful, rude people's children.
Please update us though, really want to know what she says.

Whoknowswhocares Mon 12-Nov-12 18:21:24

Perhaps it might help you to realise you are making things much worse for the other friend who is also doing lifts. She can't physically fit the whole group in her car. With you saying yes and taking some of them, it makes it all the more difficult for her to say no.
You are doing it for her, she is perhaps doing doing it because you are? She would by comparison feel awkward saying no when you (who are not even a good friend of the parasite) say yes.
I go back to my original point.....just say NO

LadyInPink Mon 12-Nov-12 18:35:37

I had an ex friend who was just like that. She would ring and say:

Would you rather take me shopping or look after my kids? (I could drive, she couldn't. I also didn't have kids then so thought she needed a favour)

Once i realised what a parasite she really was I ditched her. Best thing I ever did!!

At the time though I was naive (and 19) and totally didn't think that there was a 3rd option which was simply fuck off no!!

Be bold and stop being a mug...I can recommend it smile

SirSugar Mon 12-Nov-12 18:41:38

I would be inclined to text her and say; I'm apologise but I'm not able to help you out anymore re the pick ups, the first couple of times were ok, however you are now taking the piss. no hard feelings and all that, yours...OP

rocamadour Mon 12-Nov-12 18:45:05

Just say no ! I two or 3 friends with whom I reciprocate childcare/pick up favours, and I'm quite happy with the arrangements.the clue however is in the word reciprocate...eg I take friend A's dd after school occasionally and same friend takes my dd to school if I have an early meeting. Children happy and parents a bit less stressed as nobody is put upon unfairly.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 12-Nov-12 18:48:20

You mentioned in an earlier post that you 'were volunteered' to help on some occasions - was that by your mutual friend? If so, better have a word in her ear to say please don't do that again! You're still quite happy to be on standby in the old reciprocating way for her, & her only (eg no complicated help-outs with other peoples' children) but that's as far as it goes. Don't expect to stay friends with the piss-taker - she'll be off to find someone else to take advantage of.

TweedSlacks Mon 12-Nov-12 18:53:20

It isnt rude or Unreasonable just to say No .
It might be more polite to tell her first not to ask , rather than wait for her to text to tell you to collect her DC's.
You are not her skivvy , but to save school gate arkwardness just text tonight " I'm really sorry to let you down , but got alot on my plate atm so cant commit to collecting the kids , so you have time to make other arrangements . Sorry "

Then wave goodbye to being a taxi

expatinscotland Mon 12-Nov-12 18:53:57

Oh, don't bloody apologise!

Since it's text you might be able to summon a bit more gumption.

'I'm not available next week.' Or, 'I'm not available to give assistance anymore.'

NO 'sorry' or anything like that, she was rude enough to send a text like that.

It only works when people share the ferrying around properly. Like me and another mum who has just taken my two DCs to Cubs and I'll fetch later. We don't take each other for granted and it's great.

I would not hesitate to ensure people don't take the piss, although most people see me as the helpful sort. I have been careful to ensure that while I am helpful, it's not at the expense of being taken for a mug. That well known Mumsnet phrase "that doesn't work for us" or variations, has worked wonders.

DameEnidsOrange Mon 12-Nov-12 19:32:22

YANBU - this kind of arrangement only works where it is reciprocal IME or otherwise one party gets put upon and the other entitled.

I've just dropped off at Brownies and will pick up again in half an hour, but the other parents involved also take their turns which means we only have to do it every couple of weeks.

MummytoKatie Mon 12-Nov-12 20:03:34

"Can't help out this week as gran ill and may need to visit at short notice. Actually - are there any days you can help me out if I have a last minute emergency?"

Either she'll give some days and you'll have a nice reciprocal arrangement. Or she won't and you can stop feeling guilty.

lovebunny Mon 12-Nov-12 20:05:06

'no.'

ClippedPhoenix Mon 12-Nov-12 20:08:31

This happened a lot with me until I spoke to the parents and asked very nicley whether they wanted to set up some sort of arrangement to do alternative weeks. They either reciprocated or faded away. Funny that. grin

ClippedPhoenix Mon 12-Nov-12 20:08:45

nicely of course.

sittinginthesun Mon 12-Nov-12 20:11:15

I had a friend like this too. To make it worse, my children couldn't stand her children, and her youngest child didn't like me (because I told him off once).

She was a good friend, but it just got stupid. Could I have the children for a Saturday afternoon so she could go to the beauticians etc.

I just ignored the texts in the end. Apologised after the event that I'd been somewhere with no phone reception. She stopped asking after about four ignored requests.

expatinscotland Mon 12-Nov-12 20:24:15

Why lie or apologise? Make up some granny and see if she reciprocates, bollocks! If she were the type, she already would have, not send texts you wouldn't send a paid employee if you had any sort of decency.

Look, OP, people like this are entitled fuckwits who take advantage of mugs. That's what they do in life and guess what? They don't care. They get it where they can and don't give you a second thought beyond what they can take or get from you.

DON'T apologise or make up lies.

'I'm not available for any further transport or childcare.' End of.

Bumblequeen Tue 13-Nov-12 07:48:45

I had an ex friend who 'used' me for babysitting. At the time I had no children and was probably seen as carefree. On one or two occasions I was 'told' what the child needed for their birthday/Christmas. I had never given the impression I was buying a gift. The woman was about as subtle as a brick and the friendship soon ended.

It can be hard to firmly say no when you are put on the spot. This woman is taking advantage of your kind nature.

Say no and be clear.

exoticfruits Tue 13-Nov-12 08:09:19

I would do the same as ClippedPhoenix, just say - 'we seem to be sharing lifts a lot- I think we need a rota - which week do you want?'She will either do a rota( and if started make sure it is fair e.g. she misses a week she does two.) or she will fade away.

2rebecca Tue 13-Nov-12 08:43:02

I would only suggest a rota if the OP wants a rota. If she doesn't I'd just tell her that she'll need to sort out someone else to give her kids lifts as it's not convenient for you to keep doing them and maybe she needs to pay a childminder or sort out an after school club if she regularly can't pick up her kids.
If this upsets the kindhearted friend then she isn't a kindhearted friend and just another Mrs Judgeypants.
You could start walking to the school to pick up your kids, primary schools are usually fairly local.

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