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to ask for a bit of handholding because I've taken my headscarf off and people are now pissed off with me

(64 Posts)
NoScarfOnMyHead Thu 08-Nov-12 19:34:36

Have worn it for quite a few years. Kept getting a niggling feeling something wasn't quite right, and tried to ignore it, carry on wearing it...

Took it upon myself to do a lot of research and study into the Qur'anic verses in the original Arabic language, as well as a few English translations to get different perspectives. Listened to some Islamic scholars who have secular views instead of the majority view (woman should apparently cover entire face as well as body/head) and finally after a lot of soul searching, discussion with my hubby and other muslim friends, I decided it was not mandatory and I have taken it off.

Rest of body will be covered very modestly as usual, but hair out. Reactions from mother in law and her close friend very upsetting along with very hurtful and unnecessary comments i can't even mention.

I'm not walking around with my tits out, or a face full of slap, or with my thighs and ass in an LBD with high heels, so why are people acting like this? I pray 5 times a day, have a strong faith in my religion, and am a wife and mum just getting on with my own business and trying to be a good person. sad i hope this gets easier for me soon. sorry to whinge, just needed to let it out.

ontheedgeofwhatever Thu 08-Nov-12 20:00:13

Do what suits you best. I know a family in which the mother does not wear a head scarf but her teenage daughters (16 and 19) choose to. I asked them why they wore a scarf when their mum didn't and they said it was a way of rebelling grin

You are no more or less a Muslim with or without your headscarf.

Can I ask a question (showing my ignorance sorry) - are they mandatory in the mosque or can you choose there too?

EdgarAllansPo Thu 08-Nov-12 20:00:27

It is not mandatory, and it is a matter between you and your husband, it need not concern anyone else.

foreverondiet Thu 08-Nov-12 20:01:57

YANBU your head and your choice. Good that your DH is supportive.

It will just take some getting used to for others. Just ignore, surely you knew they (MIL and friends) wouldn't like.

ImperialBlether England Thu 08-Nov-12 20:02:46

Can I ask you, OP, whether you are a convert to Islam?

NoScarfOnMyHead Thu 08-Nov-12 20:06:13

really appreciate the words of wisdom!!

i think culturally/traditionally they are mandatory in a masjid (mosque) if you go to pray as a muslim. as a non muslim going there, you can choose whether to cover your hair, but its a must that the rest of your body be dressed modestly.

i am really dreading tomorrow. It's like, I know what I believe in, but it's how people will treat me that scares me. I knew there would be judgement but its so hard to grin and bear it when its going on

NoScarfOnMyHead Thu 08-Nov-12 20:06:36

i am indeed a convert (revert we call ourselves)

Naoko Netherlands Thu 08-Nov-12 20:06:49

I'm not a muslim, so I can't possibly comment on your choice, I haven't the knowledge, but you have obviously thought about it, researched it, and taken the advice of knowledgeable and wise people before doing what you felt is right for you, and I can't see how that could be a bad thing. Your MIL is of a different generation, and you have changed something that is important to her - she will need time to get used to it. While she does, stand firm, but try not to let her get to you. I think, more than a matter of religion per se (which, of course, it is, too!) it's also a matter of disagreeing with someone you respect, and who, by virtue of their age, has perhaps been a source of guidance in the past. That's always hard, for both parties - it's a changed dynamic. I love my father dearly, and respect and value his advice, he is a wise man - but I'm an adult now, and over the last few years, as I grew from a teenager into a 'proper' adult, I've realised that there are things I fundamentally disagree with him on, which hasn't been easy for either of us - because part of me wants to be his little girl whose dad knows everything, and part of him, for all that he is proud of me and is happy that I'm grown and independent, wants to be my hero.

Give her time, and don't question yourself - you have done your questioning, and reached a conclusion that you're happy with, even if you're not used to it yet.

NoScarfOnMyHead Thu 08-Nov-12 20:08:18

molepom - avoiding mil's friend is hard..she comes over regularly and lives 2 mins up the street. so awkward. Two of her own daughters dont wear the scarf however. thats why i hope she just accepts me without it and gets on with it.

awaywego1 Thu 08-Nov-12 20:08:46

handholding here well done for doing what feels right for you, right now.
It will be a shock to people right now but fingers crossed they will soon accept this decision. Best of luck love smile

NoScarfOnMyHead Thu 08-Nov-12 20:11:19

naoko - your post was really insightful and wise. I never really thought about how mil is older and so having a younger person disagree with her may be hard to deal with..especially when i think about it, she's known me since i was 18 and i'm in my early 20's now. she knows how practising i am in terms of Islam but is acting like i'm considering packing it all in, literally because of the scarf. this bloody scarf.

whois Thu 08-Nov-12 20:12:05

Brave decision.

Glad you have DH support. Hope everyone else backs off!

ChippingInLovesAutumn Thu 08-Nov-12 20:18:59

Two of her own daughters don't wear a scarf and she's pitching a fit at you? Blimey.

Don't keep justifying yourself, you have gone above & beyond already by telling her why you have made this decision, it's now time for her to accept your decision and keep her beak out.

TwitchyTail Thu 08-Nov-12 20:31:05

Good for you for thinking for yourself and doing what feels right.

Ignore the busybodies. They'll get over it. A piece of material doesn't change what's inside.

cantspel Thu 08-Nov-12 20:32:38

If you have already told them your views on wearing the scarf then i would refuse to discuss it anymore. Just tell them this is your discision and it is not up for discussion.

You dont have to justify to anyone why you have chosen to take off your scarf.

NoScarfOnMyHead Thu 08-Nov-12 20:46:28

thankyou everyone from the bottom of my heart. x

Softlysoftly Thu 08-Nov-12 21:23:47

Possibly you should point out to her the evil in talking badly about things that do not concern her. Point out that she should read and interpret the word of her god herself rather than through the filter of others.

"Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: "No servants of Allah's (SWT) belief will be correct until his heart is corrected, and his heart will never be corrected until his tongue is." The first phase of achieving this correctness is for a person to give up that which does not concern them and not to involve themselves in things that they were not asked about."

SirBoobAlot Thu 08-Nov-12 21:27:59

Do what works for you. This isn't a decision you have rushed into, its something you have considered and looked at from every angle. You have come to the conclusion that is best for you as an individual.

Hand holding and lots of love. I think you're being very brave. Well done smile thanks

Peanutbutterfingers Thu 08-Nov-12 21:38:26

Well done for standing up for what is right for you and your body. For what it's worth I'd treat criticism exactly how you would with anything else where you have different opinions and beliefs. Keep smiling and say 'really? That's interesting' without offering counter arguments or feelings. It's hard to fight someone who is agreeing with you and you're not fuelling the fire.

Good luck!

GhostShip Thu 08-Nov-12 21:42:38

Well done for making a thoughout out conscious decision, and one that you probably knew would be met with disapproval. You're brave and I admire you smile

AdoraJingleBells Thu 08-Nov-12 21:50:55

You've done what you need to do for yourself. You have the support of your husband. Nothing else is needed. Some people will be shocked- that's their problem, some will try to tell you how to dress-it's none of their business. When MIL comments simply tell her it is your own decision. When her friend comments either tell her you're doing no worse than her daughters, or the same answer as MIL gets. This is a decision for you about you and you have made it.

Well done for taking the time to find out what didn't feel right, understand it and then change it.

Pictureperfect Thu 08-Nov-12 21:57:57

Good for you for sticking to what you feel is right for you. Some people do love to have something to judge people by and it's amazing the amount of 'good' religious people doing the judging yet don't stick to everything in their religion 100%, MiL are also a group known to like to judge!

I've not been in your situation but I'm sure it will get easier in time. Good luck coping with others

MooncupGoddess Thu 08-Nov-12 22:03:15

Good for you for doing all the reading and coming to your own conclusions. In my experience people quite often twist religious texts to mean what they want them to mean.

If you get hassle from people, can you bore them into the ground with scholarship? 'Well, A says XXX, but it does depend on the precise meaning of Y Arabic word, personally I would translate it as XXX but maybe you would disagree? What books would you recommend I read on the subject?' Ten to 1 they will go a bit pale and start asking what you're having for dinner smile

Alisvolatpropiis Thu 08-Nov-12 22:04:35

YANBU - <extends hand>

I'm no expert on the Koran,but it does simply state both men and women must dress modestly,I know that much. You are clearly very dedicated to your faith and are finding a way to observe it that is right for you.

Hope everyone backs off and supports your choice.

rogersmellyonthetelly Thu 08-Nov-12 22:10:42

Good for you! I had similar negative comments from people for turning up to church in jeans. as I said then, Him upstairs, whatever you call
Him, and however you worship Him, doesn't give a squashed banana what you are wearing on the outside, it's what's on the inside that is important, that you are pure in your heart and in your obedience to Him. All the rest is just window dressing.

Sallyingforth Thu 08-Nov-12 23:12:40

It is not mandatory, and it is a matter between you and your husband, it need not concern anyone else.

No, it's not between you and your husband. It's your choice alone. But it's good that he supports you.

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