To think if you dated someone whilst they smoked you can't give ultimatums based on it?(long).

(54 Posts)
YerMaw1989 Fri 05-Oct-12 15:45:09

okay I started from being a very young teen (12ish) (not uncommon when& where I grew up so I;m not trolling/shock factor etc).

I met my DP at 18 , still smoked not heavily I add and I was courteous to not smoke a lot around him. I fell pregnant not long after I quit smoking cold turkey at 19.

its been 3 years now with the odd lapse fag I have never bought a packet etc , because I was told 'if you ever smoke again its over!' it sort of scared me (not sure if its the right word) into not smoking again but tbh (controversial) I wish I had on some level.
I was very ill for the first few years of my DC's life PND, Faulty contraception made me bleed constantly to the point of anaemia, I have anxiety due to a v. volatile childhood. plus contending with a SN toddler alone mostly. I wish I could go back and give myself permission to 'have a fag woman give yourself some sanity' I know its v. unhealthy I'm not negating that.
I'm not smoking/drinking atm (prego)
But I made it very clear the other day that,
a) If I have a bad day and I want a fag, I will have one.
b) if you dated me whilst smoking then you can't really hoik your bosom about it.
To add I would never smoke in the house/inflict it on my kids in that way I feel quite strongly about that.

WIBU?AIBU?

YerMaw1989 Sat 06-Oct-12 22:17:35

I'm not saying he won't smell it but at least I wouldn't inflict him with a smoky home etc.

I dunno, I'll just have to see how it pans out.

Bunbaker Sat 06-Oct-12 18:07:39

"I would never smoke in the home etc I wonder if that makes any difference? he knows this too."

The thing is that smokers aren't aware of how much they stink of cigarettes. A non smoker can smell a smoker even if it is quite a while since they last had a cigarette. You are kidding yourself if you think your partner can't smell it.

GoldenSeptember Sat 06-Oct-12 17:05:22

"I would never smoke in the home etc I wonder if that makes any difference? he knows this too."

It doesn't make much difference - you'll still reek of it. I have a dear friend who gave up smoking then started again, but didn't tell his wife. When they come to stay we have a running joke about what excuse he's going to dream up to get out of the house so he can have a fag - it's amazing how he always manages to forget something so he 'has to go to the co-op'. When he comes back he stinks of fags and chewing gum. hmm grin Either his DW has no sense of smell (or suspicion) at all, or she is ignoring the elephant in the room. Even if you smoke outside, your clothes and hair stink of it.

YerMaw1989 Sat 06-Oct-12 11:32:23

I quit because I fell pregnant, that's when I got the ultimatum and that was 3 years ago. But I feel I made too much of a black and white thing , like another poster said people lapse, and he knows I've had odd relapses and has never gone crazy etc just more of a 'When was this?'
I can understand him having a 'Where has this come from' thought, I've having more of a backbone recently in many ways.

I would never smoke in the home etc I wonder if that makes any difference? he knows this too.

Bunbaker Sat 06-Oct-12 10:27:21

"And you seem to have no concept of what its like to date a smoker, when you yourself are a non-smoker."

I agree. Would you date someone whose breath stinks of digested garlic or some other unpleasant smell all the time?

geegee888 Sat 06-Oct-12 08:29:42

YABU. Everyone has a right to find something they cannot deal with in a relationship, and to end it. Doubly YABU because you gave up smoking at least partly to keep him interested in you. Now it is you who is wanting to change the goalposts back. And you seem to have no concept of what its like to date a smoker, when you yourself are a non-smoker.

GragPop Sat 06-Oct-12 07:48:05

When me and dp first started dating he said he would never quit, I respected his choice. If its a deal breaker surely you would bring it up near the start of the relationship, not a year or two down the line.

I think he is being unreasonable in the way he has given you an ultimatum.

OldCatLady Sat 06-Oct-12 07:21:02

When I met my partner he smoked, which when dating wasn't much of an issue, but as things got serious and I'd stay over, we'd go out for dinner a lot I started to start to notice it a lot more. I'd be left while he went to have a fag and he'd stink of smoke for the rest of the night, which when on 1st/2nd date etc he didn't do. So I told him its me or the fags and he gave up there and then. He has the odd one when stressed or drunk with friends, but I'd say that's only about once a month and I'm ok with that.

PoppyWearer Sat 06-Oct-12 07:03:46

When I started going out with my DH he smoked.

When we got serious, I told him that as I am asthmatic, he would need to quit before we moved in together. It was a deal breaker for me.

He loved me so he quit.

That was 12 years ago. He is pleased he quit when he did.

If he hadn't respected my wishes, I would have questioned how much he cared for me.

dysfunctionalme Sat 06-Oct-12 05:46:11

I get what you're saying OP but I do think that if he hates smoking then he will continue to object to you smoking.

Equally if you love to smoke and want to continue to do so, then you can object to his take on it.

You need to ask yourselves whether it's a deal breaker. Do you want to be together more than you want to smoke? Does he want to be with you more than he dislikes smoking?

YerMaw1989 Sat 06-Oct-12 05:15:41

in his defence its not something he says a lot only a few times amongst the years but seemed a but perturbed when I pointed out I was a smoker when we first met, so its 'in me'.
He said sort of jokingly 'was hoping to change you' which I think is a mistake lots of people make.
Maybes its my hormones going 'arrgghhh' that makes me dream of having a fag.

bellabreeze Sat 06-Oct-12 03:52:25

Yanbu, it's pretty controlling in my opinion and obviously you're your own person, you can actually do anything that you want to do. You are an adult and you have the right to make your own choices

Oh I loved the smell of a freshly lit cigarette when I was a child!

I have a friend who stopped smoking some 10 yrs ago, and still loves the smell!

Bunbaker Fri 05-Oct-12 20:49:33

"the smell is utterly repulsive to non smokers

Not necessarily. I loved the smell as a kid and that's why I started really. Now I like other things about it, but especially the smell."

I think you are unusual. I loathe the smell of cigarette smoke. Apart from hating the smell I have to live with the fact that smoking killed my mother. Her lungs were absolutely shot - she used to spit into ashtrays and she gurgled every time she drew breath, and walking up a flight of stairs made her sound like she has just run a marathon.

the smell is utterly repulsive to non smokers

Not necessarily. I loved the smell as a kid and that's why I started really. Now I like other things about it, but especially the smell.

YerMaw1989 Fri 05-Oct-12 19:08:08

Lots of good points here, now all I want is a fag grin I wouldn't though atm definitely.

atacareercrossroads Fri 05-Oct-12 17:44:54

Yanbu if he would leave you over the occasional bifta then he's got his priorities way off balance and you'd be better off without him imo. What a buttmunch!

Yanbu

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 17:25:48

Also your dp has the right to choose not to be with someone, because of behaviour he finds unacceptable.

sookiesookie Fri 05-Oct-12 17:22:59

I can see both sides. I see you point, op, however if you continue to smoke you will die. Your dh will have to nurse you and then pick up the pieces with your dc. So I see his point.

Drinking (unless you are a alcoholic or aggressive when drunk etc) occasionally is not as high risk.

However your do should kick off at occasional lapses etc.
Both me and dh are ex smokers and tbh I would be pissed off if dh was risking his life doing something, especially when there is no real reason to.

GoldenSeptember Fri 05-Oct-12 17:18:07

"Smokers know all that, and its patronizing to tell them what they already know and has clearly made no difference to their decision to smoke."

But their partner is perfectly within their rights to decide that those factors mean that they don't want to be in a relationship with the person any more. Same as the partner of a drinker is entitled to do the same. The smoker/drinker/whatever is equally entitled to choose their habit over their relationship. But labelling the DP in this case as controlling... I don't think that's very reasonable.

expatinscotland Fri 05-Oct-12 17:15:06

'How exactly do you know that drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person expat? (assuming that we're talking about the same thread) His drinking may have no influence on his levels of aggression.'

Because I'm thinking of a thread in which this is the case. Among the hundreds I've seen over the past 8 years on here.

halloweeneyqueeney Fri 05-Oct-12 17:14:58

Because his drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person. Never heard of anyone say, 'I smoked too much to drive tonight!' or 'I get extremely violent when I smoke.'

I don't think its double standards. For partners of people addicted to anything (cigarettes, alcohol, gambling etc) one of the most heartbreaking things to watch is your partner prioritising their addiction over your life/future together, this can include spending money that you need for rent/bills on the addiction, or limiting the length of time you'll have alive together etc
There are common threads with any addiction

DoubleMum Fri 05-Oct-12 17:14:25

Well, my DH smoked when I met him, and I hated it. We moved in together and he only ever smoked outside. He got through his stressful finals and then he gave up. He has occasionally slipped up, but if he started again it might very well end our relationship. He won't. But even the odd 'slip up' has consequences if you have something like life insurance and are down as a non-smoker.
So I guess that my view is, YABU to smoke, but he is BU to be issuing such black and white ultimatums.

GoldenSeptember Fri 05-Oct-12 17:12:10

How exactly do you know that drinking turns him into an aggressive, dangerous person expat? (assuming that we're talking about the same thread) His drinking may have no influence on his levels of aggression.

When I was a smoker and trying not to smoke, I was utterly foul tempered and full of rage. Far more so than after I've had a drink, frankly.

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