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To think if you dated someone whilst they smoked you can't give ultimatums based on it?(long).

(54 Posts)
YerMaw1989 Fri 05-Oct-12 15:45:09

okay I started from being a very young teen (12ish) (not uncommon when& where I grew up so I;m not trolling/shock factor etc).

I met my DP at 18 , still smoked not heavily I add and I was courteous to not smoke a lot around him. I fell pregnant not long after I quit smoking cold turkey at 19.

its been 3 years now with the odd lapse fag I have never bought a packet etc , because I was told 'if you ever smoke again its over!' it sort of scared me (not sure if its the right word) into not smoking again but tbh (controversial) I wish I had on some level.
I was very ill for the first few years of my DC's life PND, Faulty contraception made me bleed constantly to the point of anaemia, I have anxiety due to a v. volatile childhood. plus contending with a SN toddler alone mostly. I wish I could go back and give myself permission to 'have a fag woman give yourself some sanity' I know its v. unhealthy I'm not negating that.
I'm not smoking/drinking atm (prego)
But I made it very clear the other day that,
a) If I have a bad day and I want a fag, I will have one.
b) if you dated me whilst smoking then you can't really hoik your bosom about it.
To add I would never smoke in the house/inflict it on my kids in that way I feel quite strongly about that.

WIBU?AIBU?

Bunbaker Fri 05-Oct-12 15:53:25

It's a difficult one. I'm afraid that smoking is a deal breaker for me. I don't think you realise just how unpleasant is is for your partner - the smell is utterly repulsive to non smokers. I have only ever had one boyfriend who smoked. At first I could get past that, but eventually the smell just got to me and he went.

Sorry, not what you want to hear, but fag ash breath is a passion killer.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Fri 05-Oct-12 15:54:28

Well I do agree with you to an extent, but on the other hand surely anyone has a right to end a relationship if they are not happy with the other persons behaviour

So if it really bothers him that much then he would be within his rights to end things, but you are also well within your rights to smoke if you want to

He doesn't have the right to nag you and control you though so I suppose it depends how serious he is about leaving you if you smoke

well it's a bit different isnt it....dating someone when you are young, you fall in love warts and all and for the first part think the sun shines out of their arse!!

Fast forward into a settled relationship, trials and tribulations of everyday life, kids etc and health problems - of course your partner is entitled to not want you to smoke and carry on about it - they have a deep love for you now, know smoking is ultimately harmful and therefore would like you to stop.

Dating/meaningful relationship totally different.

However, I am a bit biased really since watching my non smoking mum die of lung cancer. I dont get why anyone smokes knowing it will probably kill them!

Caerlaverock Fri 05-Oct-12 15:56:34

Presumably he really cares about you as his partner and mother of this children and does not want you to die of cancer or watch you drown to death with emphysema. What a cunt leave him

Smeghead Fri 05-Oct-12 15:59:51

YANBU

Would he accept you telling him that if he ever has another alcoholic drink then its over? Alcohol is incredibly damaging to physical and mental health, so by his standards YWBU to say that.

And you might want to remind him that if he is chucking ultimatums around, then one day you may well take him up on it and tell him to sling his hook!

Smeghead Fri 05-Oct-12 16:01:03

I should add that I dont think this is about his reason for not wanting her to smoke, but about the fact that he thinks he has the right to forbid her to do something under threat of leaving her.

Whether it is smoking, drinking, shopping, farting, whatever, no one has the right to tell someone else what they are and are not allowed to do.

LilyCocoplatt Fri 05-Oct-12 16:01:14

I think YANBU, if he was happy to get into a relationship with you knowing you were a smoker he doesn't have the right to be making ultimatums to you about it now, it does sound like he is controlling. I understand that he dislikes smoking for very good reasons but it can be a sanity saver in stressful situations like yours sounds.

TheOldestCat Fri 05-Oct-12 16:01:46

Really tricky one for me. I agree it's up to you and it feels wrong for your partner to issue an ultimatum about something that is up to you.

And yet. I'd be furious if DH started smoking again. He was a smoker when we met and despite finding it revolting, I never nagged him. Not once (took considerable and uncharacteristic will power).

He gave up when his sister died (seeing people smoke outside the hospice shocked him), but has had the odd sneaky one over the years. I do believe he's finally kicked it, but if I found out he was lying about it again - or simply doing it and being honest - I'd be really annoyed.

LittleBairn Fri 05-Oct-12 16:04:30

YANBU
1. You were a smoker when you both met.
2. He's emotionally blackmailing you, sounds like he is very manupitive to me.

I'd be telling him of you continue to treat me like this I will pack your bags for you.

Smeghead Fri 05-Oct-12 16:04:31

Oh and nicotine is known to have anti depressant properties btw.

Treblesallround Fri 05-Oct-12 16:06:29

Have a fag woman, give yourself some sanity grin

Dh gave up 10 years ago. I didn't. We still love each

<lurks round bikeshed with fags and lighter>

FredFredGeorge Fri 05-Oct-12 16:10:46

Everyone does have the right to leave if there's something they don't like about a relationship. It's the only right you have over someone elses behaviour surely?

So spelling it out, I'll leave if you continue ... is reasonable. Not allowing for lapses, alternative means of achieving (never in same location, clothes cleaned seperately, mints used etc. etc.) is not that nice, but it's still the right.

Forcing people to live with everything they decided when first dating is not reasonable I'm afraid - if you cooked your DH breakfast every morning he stayed while you dated doesn't mean you have to cook him breakfast every morning now you're married.

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Oct-12 16:13:25

Well, I am now married to a non-smoker who was a smoker when I met him, however he'd quit before we moved in together. If he suddenly now started smoking again I'd be most pissed off, firstly I hated how it made me smell when I was round him (he quit jsut as the bans came in so suddenly I could have nights out without having stinky hair hte next day), and we have a DS who I'd hate to see his Daddy smoking and give him the impression it's an acceptable thing to do.

Plus, now, it kind of looks cheap and tacky, because so few people smoke anymore. I think I'd be embarrassed to be seen with him smoking.

Now, for you, I could be missing something, but surely the reason smoking calmed you down before was that you were addicted to nicotine, and each fag gave you a hit of that which would calm you down because you were slightly withdrawing from it. As you are no longer addicted to nicotine, you'd have to smoke enough to get addicted again in order for the act of having one fag to give you that feeling.

So unless you want to be a smoker again, smoking regularly, I can't see that there's much point in having one or two fags on odd occasions. It's not like they will help you, plus your DCs will then have those chemicals on them when you hold them.

Fishwife1949 Fri 05-Oct-12 16:15:15

I do agree i hate smokers i will never date somone who smokes also i wont have it in my house garden or back garden

I have lost friends over it but i am happy with my choice

Smoking is vile is harmful espically to children start up again your right but

I wouldnt want to tell my kids i wanted to smoke more than you have a dad around

I would not stay with somone who smoked and i would be vary warey of somone even who had stopped

ClippedPhoenix Fri 05-Oct-12 16:15:25

I'm a smoker and if anyone gave me an ultimatum like that I'd pack their bags for them.

Yanbu I wouldn't be happy with the ultimatum, maybe give him a few and see how he likes it.

Smeghead Fri 05-Oct-12 16:17:47

There is a difference between saying "I dont want to live with a smoker so if you are considering starting again, please consider that it could mean the end of our relationship" and "If you ever smoke again its over!"

For a start, it doesnt allow for any slip ups at all, and everyone slips up sometimes. dieters scoff a bar of chocolate sometimes, ex smokers have the odd fag sometimes. Its also quite an aggressive way to put something, it is a threat not a discussion of how someone else feels. To threaten to end a relationship over one cigarette is controlling and OTT imo.

Petsinmyputridpudenda Fri 05-Oct-12 16:17:49

Yanbu
I quit but dh still smokes, it's his choice.

halloweeneyqueeney Fri 05-Oct-12 16:19:02

I think YABU, DH and I met when we were uni students, both of our behaviour was normal for young uni students, but a few years down the line, a kid and a bun in the oven later, a shared home and shared bills now, no it would not be appropriate for either of us to do some of the things we used to do when we first met! we met as kids with no kids and no big responsibilites and now we're adults with a home to run and kids to raise so the boundaries of course change!

Onemoreforgoodmeasure Fri 05-Oct-12 16:21:29

You both have a right to ask for what you want. You both have a right to draw lines where they matter to each of you. So it's for you each to decide. If you could really seperate over this then it certainly sends a very powerful message back to each of you.

maddening Fri 05-Oct-12 16:22:21

Do you think you feel this way so that whenever you choose not to have a cigarette it is your choice and not because you have been banned by someone else -if so then you should say this to dh.

DontmindifIdo Fri 05-Oct-12 16:31:55

Quick question, you started smoking at 12, did you grow up in a house with smokers? the only people I knew who started that young had parents who also smoked so they could steal fags from them and their parents couldn't smell it as DC of smokers always smell a bit smoky even if their parents think they are being careful to smoke away from them do you want your DCs to smoke when they are 12?

Lambzig Fri 05-Oct-12 16:33:14

I am not sure. When I first dated DH he smoked - a lot, 20-30 a day. I always said I didnt like it, but liked him and it was up to him. When we were getting serious and thinking about moving in together, I said I didnt want to live with a smoker and didnt think I could live with smoking in my home, but it was OK if he wanted to smoke outside/socially etc. He decided to give up instead, but it had to be his decision.

YerMaw1989 Fri 05-Oct-12 16:51:29

Thanks for the replies I've thought about them all. I can see his point. He Dont like smoking. and he grew up in a very smoky environment , strange enough nobody in my House smoked.plus I quit but spent every day longing for a fag. Kimono the complete ban did more harm than good plus I'm more pleasant to be around and less constantly stressed. I used to be much heavier smoker but cut down when I met him. I'm a smoke when I need it kind of person but when I need it I really do. Like the back of my neck tenses up etc even nearly 4yrs down the line I still get it.

L

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