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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit narked with my mother

49 replies

rhetorician · 03/01/2012 20:44

my mother is 77, fit and active, but nonetheless nearer to 80 than 70. DP and I have 2 small children, one nearly 3 and one 1 month old - I live in Ireland, my mother in the UK. By her own choice she decided not to spend Christmas with us as she almost always does, and I suggested that I would visit sometime in early January - this means leaving DP with both children over the weekend. I also work full-time and this is a particularly busy time of the year for me with several pressing deadlines that I am behind on due to having had both children at home 24/7 for the last 11 days.

So AIBU to be a bit pissed off that my mother is complaining about the shortness of my visit this time - bearing in mind that the baby is only 4 weeks old - I am going Sat lunchtime and returning Monday lunchtime. I think this is perfectly reasonable - but she is laying the I'm getting old and I need to see more of you thing on me - which is fair enough in the general scheme of things (I try to see her - other obligations permitting - every 6 weeks or so - but she likes it less to visit here as she, in her words, doesn't get to spend time with me 'on her own' Hmm) but not really fair right now given the various pressures I am under?

but perhaps 2 weeks of being in the house have warped my view of the world and I should be more understanding?

OP posts:
WhiteTrash · 03/01/2012 20:46

YANBU

ZillionChocolate · 03/01/2012 20:53

YANBU

CMOTDibbler · 03/01/2012 21:05

YANBU. At all.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 03/01/2012 21:08

Yanbu but book a flight/ferry over for her in a few weeks/months?

It's not as if she has any pressing deadlines to be home for..can't she stay and enjoy the dc's at yours?

NatashaBee · 03/01/2012 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eglu · 03/01/2012 21:12

Why does she have to see you on her own? Does she not want to spend time with her grandchildren.

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 21:12

the plan is for her to visit towards the end of feb - around my birthday - natasha - she gets a bit anxious about travel these days, and I think the core of the issue is that the dcs are not my biological children - DP and I are a same-sex couple - although we have always made it very clear that we consider her to be part of our family (and my eldest dd adores her, as it happens)

OP posts:
fallenpetal · 03/01/2012 21:22

YANBU She expects you to leave your tiny children to stay with her?! Selfish woman! Id be so narked I wouldnt go! She needs to get a grip, visit you and share you with your children not expect you to be solely her attention giver! I assume the kids go to bed at a reasonable time - she has all evening to be with you.

If traveling is a bother how about you go over and back with her? I suspect its more she hasnt dealt with your sexuality/non biological children aspect. I wonder would she feel the same had you been infertile in a man/woman relationship and then adopted?

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 21:24

fallenpetal alas, yes, I think she would; not long after dd1 was born she did tell me that she wasn't my child, 'in the real sense'...

OP posts:
AKMD · 03/01/2012 21:26

YANBU, you're being incredible to go over at this moment in time as it is.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 03/01/2012 21:34

Sheesh. She's getting on, they do get a little precious about themselves.

Your her DD, she obviously loves you.

I think it's lovely that you've taken the time to go and see her. Enjoy it, i hope you have a lovely time.

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 21:51

yep, I know...and having had my children later in life I have the inevitable car crash conflict between my mother and my kids

OP posts:
Angelswings · 03/01/2012 21:57

Does she fly to see you? If so could she make use of Special Assistance. You don't need to be in a wheel chair, just over 70 or have problems with travel such as learning difficulty, hearing problems, sight issues etc. They are amazing

mamababa · 03/01/2012 22:01

Yanbu but old people (based in my experience with the inlaws) are inherently selfish and seem to think you have all the time in the world to tend to their needs. Grin

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 22:08

mamababa that's about it, isn't it? I don't mind that she wants to see me, and for me to visit, I just mind the effing guilt trip -

angel last time she came she decided to come on the coach and ferry - meaning that I had to go and pick her up from the bus station at 6am!

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWitch · 03/01/2012 22:08

My mother stayed with us over Christmas, DD wouldn't you know came down with CP Sad, one night DD woke, i took her downstairs for a drink of juice and some calpol.

The next morning the mad Granny announces "I didn't get a minutes sleep with littlewitch last night" Shock.

My mother is massively self-absorbed, my dh has helped me put things in perspective, he has the patience of a Saint. But honestly i could have strangled her. Mothers eh? Can't live with them, can't kill them legally.

D0G · 03/01/2012 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 22:13

ta - useful to know that I'm not too far off the mark -

pathan - oh yes, that sounds very familiar - baby had a nasty cold at 2 weeks, I tell my mother this on the phone, she immediately launches into a (possibly spurious) account of her own sniffles. Toddler stuff, really

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWitch · 03/01/2012 22:14

Rhet if your M, was say 10 years younger, i'd say tell her to come to you.

But 77 is getting on, she's good to be up to the journey tbf.

ThePathanKhansWitch · 03/01/2012 22:17

I think my mothers lonely, but she's just sooo difficult.

I had my d at 39, so hopefully i'll be moulding away before i can cause her too many problems Grin.

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 22:24

she's a pretty good 77, but I know that she finds the travelling more and more stressful (which I suspect is the real reason she didn't come at Christmas - she's had a bad run with xmas travel the last few years). It's just very unfortunate - not least because I have a lot less money than I once did, and even less time, and she wants to be able to spend time with me while she is well. The last proper thing I did with her (in her view) was to take her to Venice for her 75th birthday - but I no longer have the time or money to spend time with her in this way - not least because it isn't fair on the rest of my family...to up sticks for 5 days here and 3 days there. it's also hugely important to me to be there as much as I can for them -

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWitch · 03/01/2012 22:39

I think your right about the age thing, my mother also had me(last one of her dc to have child) to herself for a long time, and i'm the only daughter.

I do think they feel "usurped", I'd also drop everything to go to her, but you just can't do that when you have your own small children. Sighs can't wait to be cloned.

skybluepearl · 03/01/2012 22:42

UANBU - surely she should travel to see you

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 03/01/2012 22:44

Sorry Rhetorician not snooping, trying to understand - so you are a woman, in a relationship with another woman, and she has had a baby for you both as a family? And your mum has said the baby is not really yours?

Perhaps it's a mix of prejudice, and feeling elbowed out. If you had money to take her to Venice before your young family, and now it's being spent on what she sees as someone else's children? It's like taking a holiday out of her pocket.

Just because we get older, doesn't mean we necessarily get more charitable.

On the whole a 6am pickup is slightly easier than flying in and out of London for a weekend though isn't it? I would go with this suggestion next time.

You sound particularly patient in your family duties to me? Smile

Original poster
rhetorician · 03/01/2012 22:55

binful - no worries! yes we have 2 children, dp had them both (didn't work out for me)...i'm an only child and yes, my mum does feel displaced.

OP posts: