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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shaking and crying after confrontation with son?

57 replies

TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 12/05/2011 19:43

Background: DS1 is 21 with ASD and learning difficulties. DH disabled. DS2 v able & has just gone back to Uni. I have long-term chronic illness and was told yesterday that I need scan to rule out cancer.

This evening, DS1 came home from supported work upset about incident he had today. It was relatively minor in my eyes, but obviously upset him. I asked him to leave it until DH came home as I have almost totally lost my voice and can't discuss things. He refused to stop and started screaming and swearing at me.

When DH came home, DS carried on in the same vein, ratcheting up and eventually saying he wants to burn the house down. Then started hitting both of us and throwing things.

All I can do now is shake & cry. DS1 is crying & screaming in bedroom. DH crying in lounge. :(

OP posts:
MoonGirl1981 · 12/05/2011 19:46

Hitting you and threatening arson?

I feel terribly for you but you need to call the police.

xxxxxx

Original poster
TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 12/05/2011 19:50

I nearly did, but he is 21 physically but only a child mentally. I couldn't put him throughy that as it would scare him to death. Just needed to vent really. Thanks for answering, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 12/05/2011 19:52

You poor love to have so much on your plate Sad

I've no experience of your situation but just wanted to give you a hug.

Parietal · 12/05/2011 19:54

Yanbu

Has it happened before? Do you have any respite or other support for your DS1 so he can learn to deal with emotions / problems without outbursts? National autistic society might be able to advise?

bluepaws · 12/05/2011 19:55

do you have anyone else who can come round for moral support

Goblinchild · 12/05/2011 19:55

What's he like in meltdown, when he's coming down?
If you and DH can create normality, will your son calm down and fit back into his normal pattern for the evening? Once things are calmer, then you can work on explaining what happened to him in a way he can understand.
In the longer term, you need to look for whatever help and support you can get, and asking on the SN board is the best place I can think of to get specific ideas and help from others who have been in your position.

Maryz · 12/05/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SmethwickBelle · 12/05/2011 19:59

How terrifying - you haven't done anything wrong, you need the support - I know he does too in his own way. No suggestions really just sympathy. Can you get outside for a bit? Take a walk to clear your own head?

Becaroooo · 12/05/2011 20:00

I agree with maryz

Original poster
TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 12/05/2011 20:00

Thanks for your answers:

AgentZigzag Appreciate the hug!

Parietal Yes, happens regularly. We get no respite or support as everything is being cut in our county. NAS can't suggest anything as he is only mildly disabled according to some criteria or other.

Bluepaws No family or friends in this area, which is why we are planning on moving when I retire from work - one day!

goblinchild He acts as if nothing has happened when he comes down from it. But we are then totally demolished and shaking and can't deal with him. We will try to talk to him, but it will probably be tomorrow as DH has now gone to bed crying. I have asked on the SN board before, but most people there are dealing with young children not young adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 12/05/2011 20:03

maryz We have often thought of calling the police, but are terrifed of the consequences in this small town. DS also has a habit of going to the police and telling them about his "bad thoughts" and asking if they will arrest him! This is a current obsession of his which is driving us crazy with worry.

SmethwickBelle I daren't go out as I'm worried what might happen. DH can't always control his temper when things get this wound up and I need to make sure things aren't made worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 12/05/2011 20:05

Yes and maryz it's exactly like and adult having a toddler tantrum! The irony is that he didn't have them when he was a toddler - was never ever naughty!

OP posts:
Maryz · 12/05/2011 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurrySpice · 12/05/2011 20:07

You poor thing :( no wonder you are shaking, it sounds very upsetting to say the least :(

borderslass · 12/05/2011 20:07

DS[16] violently attacked me in January we had to get police out to calm him down, it got the help from SW in place that we had never had, I actually told SW that once more and he was in residential/supported care. He acts in the same way as your son afterwards his Dr put him on risperidone and it has made so much difference he is a changed young man in the 6 weeks he's been on it he is much more calmer compliant and has slept for the first time in his life.

Maryz · 12/05/2011 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

girliefriend · 12/05/2011 20:11

blimey sounds awful, no real words of wisdom but just wanted to offer support. Have you been back to his G.P to talk about these 'bad thoughts' maybe CPN might be able to help? Also don't understand how they can't offer respite as surely if you said you couldn't cope with him living with you any more ss would have to house him in some sort of supported living environment.

Hope you have a better day tomos Smile

lljkk · 12/05/2011 20:11

Could your DS1 get some couselling, to help him deal with things better?

Mandy2003 · 12/05/2011 20:13

I was wondering along posting on those lines Borderlass. If the OP called the police and her DS was arrested for making those threats, she could refuse to attend the police station therefore a social worker would have to attend as an Appropriate Adult would they not? Then hopefully the OP and her family could get a lot more support once Social Services were aware of the situation.

claire201 · 12/05/2011 20:15

Have you tried writing to your local mp and asking them to look into why you are not getting the support you need? You may have sone this already but I would just kick up as much fuss as possible with social services.

Goblinchild · 12/05/2011 20:16

I can only second what Maryz posted, it's exactly how my lad reacts in meltdown.
'When ds is upset, he has to get that emotion out. The easiest emotion for him is anger. So he goes very quickly to absolute fury, and we are the safest people for him to be angry with. Anger is a very satisfying emotion for him, after the outburst he feels much better, and can just carry on with life, happily unaware of the fact that we are all shaken.'

Mine is 16, and I've been riding the storm for years. It's the only way I know how to cope and survive, and it has worked for us. I don't take his raging personally, and when he has lost it he isn't sentient enough to speak or utter threats. I unpick and deal with the consequences afterwards when he is receptive once more. It can be exhausting spotting triggers and avoiding them, but it's a path forwards.
Mine has not had a proper meltdown for over two years now, we've had some anger, arguments and some teenage control and behaviour issues but no force 12 hurricanes.
It's horrible to be in a situation where you feel powerless and afraid, which is partly why I had to do something, distancing myself from the emotions and guilt and fear to have some sort of balance.
But if he is physically violent, and you are unable to cope then please do call the police.

Maryz · 12/05/2011 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 12/05/2011 20:18

What about your scan TUD.

Do you have someone going with you?

Is it long before you get the results?

Punkatheart · 12/05/2011 20:20

This is definitely an appropriate time for a hug. Sorry to hear the awful combination of things. Have you been for a scan before? Don't be worried - I have had some, including some PET scans. It is very thorough and will give you peace of mind. Vent here all you like.

You need some support - both professional and personal. Please please look after yourself. I can only imagine the turmoil you must be in.

Counselling does sound wise advice - he sounds unable to handle things. You need some serenity.

XX

MadamDeathstare · 12/05/2011 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.