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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to ask you to Please help me I feel like I am going insane

48 replies

TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 21:21

DS1 has come home from school in a shite mood.
As a result he is now bouncing off the walls, the school are looking at me for answers and solutions, the SS are trying to get everyone together for a meeting, I have to attend weekly "Parenting Groups", I am trying my fucking hardest to stay calm all the time in case he has got ASD but it is hard! I am human how am I meant to cope with the constant screaming and tantums???

I am sick of everyone thinking I have a magic wand and can give them the reasons and answers. I CAN'T!!!!

DP thinks I am going off him because every friday for the last 8 weeks I have sodded off to the pub alone because I need a break.

DS1 is currently running up and down the hallway and screaming and shouting, encouraging DS2 to do the same.

I have been keeping DS2 awake in the day so that he will sleep earlier and DS1 is ruining it day after day.

I really feel like throwing the towel in, giving up and running the fuck away!

OP posts:
BrightLightBrightLight · 12/10/2010 21:28

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Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 21:33

I wish it was easier to put DS2 to bed, ut I cannot physically stop DS1 going in there, he has a habit of going in and out of my room for no reason.

I have got DS1 in bed now - well in his room and silent how long for I don't know but it will give me time to settle DS2.

Then I can take 5 minutes for myself - if i am lucky I may even have chance for a shower before 1am.

Sorry for the rant, I am really worn out. I wish I did have a magic wand and could "cure" /stop/solve DS1's prolonged behaviour issues but i can't and I feel totally useless.

OP posts:
lilyliz · 12/10/2010 21:40

I cant think of anything really useful to say but it must be hard for you.Surely DP must understand how hard it is for you,tell him why you go out alone.Thinking of you and hope it gets better for you.

BrightLightBrightLight · 12/10/2010 21:41

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animula · 12/10/2010 21:46

LadyEvenStar, if your ds gets diagnosis (?is that the word - I'm really tired and my vocabulary goes weird when I'm tired,) then all sorts of useful help kicks in.

My friends have dc with ASD and family therapy is one of the things offered, ie. it's not just about your parenting, but about ways you all as a family can organise and help each other.

Also, you could then go and see the family therapist with specific issues, eg. "how do I cope when ds is bouncing off walls? Is it ASD/hormones/just pushing boundaries? And what do I do?" And ... bingo, you get strategies and discussion.

Of course you don't have a magic wand. It's a pain that if it is ASD, it wasn't picked up earlier, but, hey ho, at least now, maybe.

As for immediately, now, with the fizzing head - a bath? With the door closed, would that help at all?

Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 21:48

Bright, DS1 is 12 now...yes a late dx. he also has ODD - now i am aware that ODD is a blanket for unexplained behaviours. So the next step is a further assessment.

I am not as down on him iyswim as I was 6m ago because I know there is a reason for it and I cannot fix it. I just wish I could.

He can control himself in school and out of home but he says when he is home he has to release it all and whilst I appreciate that I am unaware of what is acceptable, because running up and down sometimes as late as 11pm is certainly not.

OP posts:
BrightLightBrightLight · 12/10/2010 21:53

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Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 21:58

he used to do dance but he loses interest so quickly.

he has done fencing, basketball, football, swimming, you name it

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Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 22:02

I must sound so heartless -I just re read my OP it is awful!! not to mention badly written! Sad

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BrightLightBrightLight · 12/10/2010 22:02

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BrightLightBrightLight · 12/10/2010 22:03

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Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 22:06

Dr Who and Harry Potter have always grasped his attention along with reading which he has done since he was very young. He loves to read.

I am wondering if there is something I can find which will incorporate (sp) all the things he likes - or would that be an overload?

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BrightLightBrightLight · 12/10/2010 22:12

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WhatsWrongWithYou · 12/10/2010 22:16

LES, was it you who was worrying about changing your DS's school a while back?
Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree - just wondered how it was going as I remember that being a stressful time for you (if it was you!)

celebmum · 12/10/2010 22:17

I have no experience or advice im afraid.. but i am sending you (((hugs)))

hope you get things sorted.

(isn't there a new harry potter film due out soon? perhaps this can be something you and DS1 could go and see together? a treat?)

x

Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 22:21

WWWY - I changed his school about a year ago and was stressed then.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 22:23

Bright - send me your addy I will post him to you for half term - it is ok to courier children to others isn't it?

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Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 22:23

celeb, yes there is but he doesn't like the cinema that much - but I will try again.

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bigchris · 12/10/2010 22:28

Does your dp come round in the week to help you out? Does he have ds2 overnight? You sound like you really need a break from coping with the two of them

larks35 · 12/10/2010 22:29

It is interesting that you say he can handle school and "control" himself out of the home. It sounds like he has decided that he will be in control at home and, if unchecked, will push that control as far as he can.

I have seen previous posts from you LES and know you have sought a lot of help but I do think regardless of his ODD, possible AHD or any other D your son has, you have to keep going with consistent rules and sanctions.

When he is calm get up a list together of what is and is not acceptable and then get him to agree what sanctions should apply if he over steps the mark. No offence but things ain't gonna suddenly get better if "professionals" suddenly agree with you that he is AHD. You have to take control and this will make him more stable, you say yourself that his school have managed this, you have to do the same yourself.

Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 22:41

BigChris, he comes round when he is not working and has them on fridays for me whenn i go out.

Larks - DS1's explained how he felt and how he copes in school and it really isn't as simple as I put it - sorry that was my fault. Basically he explained that he has these meltdowns which he cannot make come to an end. He says when he is in school he deals with it by playing with pens, laces, mucking around etc - it distracts him from what has made him react but when he comes home he knows he is safe and nobody will ridicule or hurt him - so he lets it all out.

The school are not in control of it they are asking me for ways to deal with him.

Please understand ASD is Aspergers not a lack of parenting or boundaries.

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larks35 · 12/10/2010 23:05

TLES I'm sorry I read AHD where you put ASD, two very different problems for the sufferer and FWIW I don't think either is down to "lack of parenting or boundaries". I wasn't accusing you of "bad" parenting.

I imagine it is really hard to cope with the needs of your older son as well as your toddler. I do imagine that at times you might just "give in" a bit and that perhaps that is where things potentially start going wrong.

FWIW as a teacher in a sec. comp. with a large number of SEN students, I have found that ASD students thrive on routine, strict boundaries and praise. AHD students fight the boundaries but need them, love praise and struggle with routine, but need it, e.g if my lesson is covered by another teacher for whatever reason, these students will most often not cope.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you, but I do imagine they are harder for your DS. I hope you both reach an understanding that works for you and that is healthy for all of you.

BuntyPenfold · 12/10/2010 23:23

I know a similar child who has a trampoline if that would be possible. He bounces himself until he is tired, then reads on it and sort of bounces a little as he reads, and that relaxes him.

As he likes Harry Potter do you have the books on audio? Stephen Fry reads them so well and it is very soothing imo.

It is so hard for you I know; and so easy to give advice from a distance.

Original poster
TheLadyEvilStar · 12/10/2010 23:25

larks, this is what DS1 said to me and the Dr's assessing him.

"If you ask me to do something and I don't want to and I have a tantrum, i can stop it as quickly as it started but other times I can be sitting talking and something will make me upset/frustrated and I have a tantrum which I can't stop and then i get more in a state and it gets worse"

he then asked if the Dr's would be able to make him feel like other people do and also if they could teach him to look in peoples eyes and see them rather than having to look away.

He is very aware and the sad thing is I got stressed tonight after a bad few days and yet I know he cannot stop this behaviour - I just need to help him channel it elsewhere....hmm do I let him lose in his bedroom with the paint hehe

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animula · 12/10/2010 23:28

LES, have you read "Freaks, Geeks, and Aspergers"? (I think that's the title. Friend said it was good for insight (and uplift).