I'm trying to trace my adopted brother - any ideas how???(27 Posts)
Could anyone help me? I have absolutely no idea where to start.
Have tried looking up info on the internet but cant make any sense of it.
My (older) brother was born in '79 - I think the adoption agency was somewhere called smedley hundro in Merseyside (found it in an old address book of my mothers so assuming)
I know the name my parents gave him, but have no idea of what his adoptive parents called him.
I can find out his exact date of birth.
I'd really appreciate any help! thanks for reading x
Hi I am trying to trace a adopted older brother .i know his birth name and date of birth .now I don't know what road to go down next .
AfterAdoption - if you are an organisation rather than a person I think you would best contact Mumsnet to advertise your services properly.
Hi,i have just traced my son thankgod,here is a good website to start off your search
sorry you have mad such a mixed response from your local SS
please contact NORCAP
I see that you don't have the money for their Locate and Make Contact service, but they might be able to help you in other ways. I believe they will accept payment in installments
you coudl also put your names on the birthlink register for the country where your half brother was adopted. i think the fee for this is quite small
I've been trying to find my brother for the last 3 years, since he turned 18.
His mum was strange woman, who my dad loved and did his best for, however her mental problems were hard for anyone to deal with. Eventually, my dad and her split, within days she put my brother up for adoption with the local social services.
My dad spent just over 2 years and everything he had (including some of himself) fighting it - The Social services limited access, lied in court and twisted everything that was said in interviews, they even said that at 19 I wasnt old enough to help my dad look after him. I wasnt a childish 19 year old either.
My Dad was and is a good man, there was no reason that I can possibly think of that should have denied him the right to keep his child. I lived with him for many years and was happy. I have grown up feeling nothing but love and respect for him, I cry everytime I think about what happened.
I contacted the branch of SS that dealt with the adoption, but they say as I am just a sibling, I have very little rights to starting the contact process, also as I no longer live in the area the cost is somewhat near £500 (I just havent got that sort of money) I know my dad wants to see his son again, but at the same time is so very scared of being rejected and cant bring himself to fill in the forms yet.
I have 2 children now, 4 and 10, I couldnt begin to imagine my life without them. I think of my brother all the time and I would so very much like to get in touch with him and let him know that he was very much loved and wanted and hopefully get to know the man he has become.
I search his birthday and original name details on the net all the time, just hoping one day I will find the right match.
Boffinmum - I'm sorry you have found contact so stressful. As you have found out its rarely straightforward and brings up a lot of past issues.However just to let you know that there is counselling available for birth families and not just adoptees. Who did you approach for counselling?
I think you are a bit unfair to blame your half sister for "the damage she's caused". She didn't ask to be born and you can hardly blame a baby for the decisions of the adults around her!Your parents are responsible for the choices they have made in their lives - not her.
Half-sister traced my dad. Mum and Dad met up with her, everything was OK at first. Mum very supportive, as Dad had told her about existence of child when they first met, so it wasn't a surprise. In fact Mum very nice indeed about it, very sympathetic.
Siblings hadn't known about her existence, but met half-sister for lunch, and she seemed more or less OK, everything quite civilised to start with. However brother couldn't stand her and wondered if she was after money from my parents, as she was a bit money-orientated generally and more so than us. I was more neutral about it.
Dad then became a bit obsessed with catching up with the past and started ignoring the rest of us.
Mum then found out dad had been trying to trace half-sister for some years without discussing it with her. Big row. Mum left dad briefly. Muggins caught in the middle trying to do marriage guidance - not at all funny.
Mum returned to Dad and things settled down. Parents saw half-sister a few times, but eventually she had a major psychological wobbly and blamed my dad for her entire childhood. As he was never consulted about the adoption or told her mother had been pregnant, this was very unfair.
Mum and Dad decided it was too heavy seeing her, so told her they wanted to stop.
Half-sister was OK with this but effect it had on Mum and Dad was to make them very insular and 'coupley', so they don't see the rest of us much either. Mum very moody and allowed to get away with all sorts of manipulative nonsense, as it was Dad who used to bring her in line, but he daren't now.
All in all, everyone miserable. No counselling for us poor siblings, only half-sister. Nobody ever gives a thought to half-siblings. She always knew she was adopted, we didn't have a clue she existed, so it's been a lot harder for us.
Have told half-sister a lot of this as nicely as I possibly can, because I don't have any particular beef with her, but she still feels guilty for the damage she has caused. Although I think she's nice, I don't talk to her much because I don't want to get reeled any further into what amounts to something like a TV soap opera with all the drama and emotion involved.
As I say, it's a can of worms ...
Oh Acinonyx, you've been a great help, I was completely confused but going to have a look at the Norcap website now - thanks x
'there are LOADS of avenues for the adoptee to take to find birth parents etc.. but appears hardly any any for the birth family ifykwim. '
That's because it was illegal, until 2005, for a birth relative to trace an adopted person, and even now it can only be done by an accredited third party. Adoptees are recommended to use a third party, but don't have to rely on that if they prefer to do it themselves.
Barbie - if your local post adoption worker is unable to do this for you I recommend Norcap (I have been a volunteer with them for many years - they have a website). All agencies are tending to be snowed under with requests for non-disclosure work so there is sometimes a wait to be assigned a case worker/intermediary.
I have been involved in a some sibling reunions and the outcome, as with all reunions, varies a great deal. Your intermediary should go over the possibilities with you.
BoffinMum apologies if this is way too personal to ask but why is everyone so traumatised?
I can definately understand how it would be a shock etc.. you really dont have to answer but was just interested for insight to the "other side" of things i.e. how the tracee would feel as opposed to the tracer - the last thing I want to do is upset anyone.
Thanks a million for the advice, I've started having a look around the net, emailed the Smedley Hydro place but they referred me somewhere else to get (like you said Acinonyx!) an Intermediary Agency, who referred me to someone else again... there are LOADS of avenues for the adoptee to take to find birth parents etc.. but appears hardly any any for the birth family ifykwim.
BoffinMum, I'm sorry to hear it didnt turn out so well for you. Is everyone really upset?
I know its taking a big risk, as said I've never met my dad (well since I was 2 - 3), none of his family i.e. my uncles/ aunts/ cousins/ grandparents. I have 3 definate half brothers/sisters and 1-2 possible (from his other relationships) and 1 full brother.
All of these are aware of my existance (my parents were married and together for quite some time) but not one has ever tried to get in touch (I understand this can be difficult), I really wasnt one bit bothered for years, was made obvious enough that contact wasnt wanted, its only in the last year or two I've been curious and just think its sad not to.
We came home to Ireland when my parents broke up, (my mothers Irish, dad is from Liverpool - where I was born) and all these relatives are from the UK.
Bear in mind though that it opens all sorts of cans of worms you might not be expecting. My half-sister traced us and it caused no end of runctions, and everyone's traumatised now. The adoptee gets counselling but nobody else does.
You will need a third party to do this trace on your behalf as a 'non-disclosure agreement'. This is because legally, you cannot be told his adoptive name, but birth relatives can have a trace done on their behalf and then the adopted person can be asked if they want contact or not. Non-disclosure agreements are usually carried out by local social services (the post-adoption worker), the adoption agency or by independent agencies such as Norcap. There is usually a fee involved to cover searching costs.
It is not unusual for siblings to trace each other in this way but is best with the agreement of the birth parent. Good luck.
aw still - it was thoughtful.
See? if I had brains I'd be very dangerous...
it took me about 3 seconds to do on google!
I typed in Smedley Hundro adoption agencies and it came up as Smedly Hydro and then I copied and pasted it!
No time at all.
thank you! cant believe you took the time to look that up x in work at minute (lunch break ) and we cant ring overseas on the damn phones here (am in Ireland) but definately will. Will keep you posted x
Just think of the info you could get when you ring them! Am excited for you!
thank you so much for the replies.
Majeika - your so sweet! thanks a million for that - cant ring at the minute but definately will use that number. Brilliant!
ah, well if you're doing it on behalf of your mum, that's a different matter. good luck x
I think if your Mum knows and you both want to then you should do it.
Contact the agencies in that area and ask for some help. The one you are talking about is Smedley Hydro and is below. Ring them now and ask them what you want to know!!
The Office of National Statistics
Tel: 0151 471 4831
The ONS can
try the salvation army ,they can trace/find people. hope it works out x
Do you think so? yeah, thats true to be honest.
I'm not really sure if I do to be honest.
I havent seen my dad since I was 2 - so no, he doesnt know.
My mothers is dying to meet up with him but she is the sort of woman that cant do anything for herself so it would be up to me to trace him for her, ifykwim.
Plus, my family i.e. my aunts/ cousins etc.. often say to me "would you not try to trace xxxx" (when I was thinking of traceing my dad and some of my half brothers/sisters)
Pressure to a degree. It would be nice though, I suppose. DH often says it to me, I've been raised as an only child yet dd has a full uncle/ possible cousins out there..
Do you think it has nothing to do with me? its nice to get another opinion on it..
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