Considering surrogacy, all a bit overwhelming!

(68 Posts)
rocketupbum Wed 26-Jan-11 21:06:23

I am seriously considering offering to be a surrogate for some friends of ours. It is something I have thought about for a while and it all fits. I have been trying to do as much research as poss before offering, so as not to cause any disappointment. I am finding the websites a bit hard to get along with. They are obviously mostly geared towards people looking for matches and perhaps mostly intended parents. They are also a bit too nice (I have been so used to the harsh MN way it is all a bit wierd and full of "huns" and "hugs"grin)
I wondered how many surro mums there were on here and how you went about it etc? I feel I just want some more straight talking and a bit less fluffy stuff. I dont want to be an "angel" I would just like to have a baby for people who would make great parents!

rocketupbum Tue 28-Jun-11 20:28:05

I think that is a good question pang. I plan to explain it that our friends tummy is broken so I am looking after it for her. My 2 are young enough to not ask too many biological questions( if these do come up it could be a good time to answer some!). Also I will try to make sure my kids see our friends fairly regularly and know that the baby is theirs. I also plan to speak directly to school so that nothing is lost in translation.

Innat Sun 15-Jan-12 22:38:05

Hi rocket have you gone any further down the surrogacy route? I've recetnly been considering it for some friends and came across this thread - haven't mentioned it to them yet but curious to hear if you've decided one way or the other and why?

QOD Sun 15-Jan-12 22:51:37

Oh I got all excited seeing a surrogacy thread but I see I've been here and done that!

A friend of mine has hopefully just found a host surrogate -they are as rare as hens teeth! She's in Edunburgh and friend in Bristol..... Gonna be complicated as the ivf will likely be in London!

Innat Tue 17-Jan-12 21:23:03

Hi qod sorry to get your hopes up! Hope it works out for your friend. Interesting that they are far apart. I am far from my friends. I just keep thinking about their situation and how unfair it is and wondered if I could help...but I also keep remembering about how much I did not enjoy being pregnant!

rocketupbum Mon 06-Feb-12 20:31:37

Hello, sorry only just seen the thread resurface.
I am slightly further along as in we have had some counselling both alone and with our friends. I need to have a couple of extra tests to check my body is in full working order. Then we should be all systems go.
We are doing host surro and actually going to the USA for implantation.
I am quite excited about it all now. I have had 2 very straightforward pregnancies and labours and can only hope that this one is the same.
Things i am most nervous about are:
1.The responsibility of carrying someone elses baby and how that impacts on day to day life
2. Telling lots of people - I have a job where i meet lots of people and will prob have to tell all of them that the baby isnt mine (!) which will lead onto lots of discussions with people I would probably not choose to talk about it with.
3. The impact on my family, my (amazing) DH is pretty chilled about it all. But I guess it is unknown with the DC, although I have good support and advice. Also my extended family, I know my Mum is worried about it all - I am her DD after all and her concerns will always be with me first.
I hope all that waffle is a bit of food for thought for you.

OhDearNigel Wed 15-Aug-12 10:15:09

Bumping this up as I am meeting a friend for coffee on Saturday who has been struggling with multiple miscarriages for 2 years, IVF has not helped her and I am seriously considering offering to be a host surrogate for her. I have DH's support who thinks it would be a great thing to do.

OP, how is the process going for you ?

PrivacyMaintained Sat 26-Jan-13 19:05:36

Bumping as just starting out myself. Looking into having a baby through surrogacy. I have had one friends offer, but I think she just feels sorry for me and her DH isnt really for it. We are really only at the looking around, seeing what is available stage. Another friend for the past 5 years has always offered to be a host surrogate for us when she completes her family, and know we know I cant have children.
For those who have had a baby with the help of a surrogate, did you find it easier with someone you know, or through an agency? Looked at surrogacy UK adn cots, but seems to be aimed at those needing matching, whereas I might not need that

QOD Sat 02-Feb-13 19:20:14

There are many many more couples than surrogates on agency books

We still joined cots anyway for the support etc

RosieCottage2 Fri 08-Feb-13 18:44:21

Am hoping to have our much much longed for first child through surrogacy. It seems so daunting when you hear how many of us IP's there are sad Am determined but it does get hard at times.

MonthlyNeedsToTakeHerTime Fri 08-Feb-13 19:56:48

I would say to any surrogates to be, if you are going to offer to be a surrogate to a friend, please don't offer unless it really is something you think you can do. My best friend for years always said shed be a surrogate for us, as before even starting ttc we knew we'd have problems. And then when it became clear that I couldn't carry a baby and we could look at surrogacy or adoption she just stopped talking. I have never talked about it or asked her to be a surrogate since we decided that was what we were doing. I really have no feelings about it, and do not mind one bit that she doesn't want to do it when it actually came to it. Nor did I expect her to say she didn't feel that way anymore. We just discuss my surrogacy options and journey and neither of us mention that she used to offer.
So please don't offer unless you think you can do it. I don't mean as in something goes wrong, or you're ill, or want more of your own children, I mean saying it in such a way that you think you sound like the worlds best friend and selfless person, but its not something you could actually do and you didn't think you offer would need to be taken up

RosieCottage2 Thu 28-Feb-13 19:28:08

are there any surros here?

cherrise Fri 01-Mar-13 20:00:53

I'm not a surrogate but I used a surro to have a child.. we used one from india and the process was relatively straightforward. I know that indian surrogacy has a bad press on mn (and generally) but well, our surrogate had counselling etc and got around 4k out of it, which is a lot considering her other employment option was as a maid which would have meant separation from her children as well. Google indian surrogacy to learn more if you are interested if you done have any luck finding a uk surrogate.

cfc Sun 03-Mar-13 20:06:33

Am really interested in this thread.

I am interested in becoming a surro for someone - we've completed our family now and I feel that we've been too lucky, so karma is insisting I give something back. I hope that doesn't sound twattish, it doesn't mean to!

What on earth is the first step in finding out about it all?!

QOD Sun 03-Mar-13 20:08:52

I get soooo excited very time I see this thread ..l. But it's the same one, again :D

Have a look at the forums of COTS and surrogacy UK or google message board for surrogates

cfc Sun 03-Mar-13 21:15:21

Thank you QOD I will do that, have already had a look at COTS' board and have emailed asking for a surrogate pack to be sent to me so I can register and get this process started.

Reading what other women who have acted as surrogates hav eto say on the matter is lovely. I think this is something I will end up doing, my husband is really supportive too.

cfc Sun 03-Mar-13 21:58:59

Thank you QOD I will do that, have already had a look at COTS' board and have emailed asking for a surrogate pack to be sent to me so I can register and get this process started.

Reading what other women who have acted as surrogates hav eto say on the matter is lovely. I think this is something I will end up doing, my husband is really supportive too.

EverythingsBeachy Tue 05-Mar-13 21:53:08

Just thought I'd bump this! Taken the decision not to go through pregnancy due to a disability. So looking to consider surrogacy or adoption
Is straight surrogacy more common? I'd have thought surrogates would have preferred host as it wasn't theirs, iyswim?
How did you cope with a baby being half your husbands and half someone else's? Did you see this as preferable over adoption?

QOD Wed 06-Mar-13 08:03:30

Very very hard to get a straight surrogate unless it's your own, frien, family etc
Most unknown, matched to you surrogates at least start out offering host only
Thing with that of course means Ivf with the cost and complications associated
I was asked by our court appointed social worker why I didn't adopt over having a baby that was part husband and part friend
I find that rather weird to be fair! Adopt a potentially damaged older child that's not related to either of us or have a new born baby. . .
To be fair though, we were offered a baby by our surrogate before we had got to seriously considering adoption. I was on the waiting list for Ivf and had lost all confidence in myself ever conceiving
I'd been trying for years, had 4 rounds of failed iui prior to insemination and had been told I'd got low chance of success

So no, wasn't an issue for me. Don't know how I would have felt about a stranger though.

EverythingsBeachy Wed 06-Mar-13 18:10:20

Thanks for the info.
I was just wondering if because I can technically get pregnant (well we had one mc) but decided I couldn't carry a pregnancy, that that would mean that a surrogate would never choose us, would always choose someone who couldn't physically have a baby, through ivf, cancer treatment etc. if this would be the case then I wouldn't want to even start down that road. Also would me having a disability out potential surrogates off as well? I know that's not a very PC question, but it would be good to know before looking into trying to remortgage, get credit cards etc

HDEE Wed 06-Mar-13 18:13:39

I belong to a couple of closed surrogacy groups. I can ask them to add you if you want to pm me your name.

It's really helpful for advice and has both surrogates and IPs on.

HDEE Wed 06-Mar-13 18:13:57

Sorry, the groups are on FB.

QOD Thu 07-Mar-13 17:27:49

Oh nice Hdee, are any of them affiliated to COTS? (I know you weren't talking to me) cos I've totally lost my cots log in

cfc Thu 07-Mar-13 19:15:32

QOD - can I ask what made you gravitate towards COTS as opposed to SUK?

OddBoots Thu 07-Mar-13 19:25:55

I've been a host surro three times, I had a boy for one couple through COTS then two girls a couple of years apart for another couple through Surrogacy UK. I'd do it again in a heartbeat if I hadn't become disabled (unrelated to the pregnancies).

I can understand any person/couple asking if they would get chosen but it's impossible to answer that, if you find the right surrogate you'll get chosen, if you don't then you won't, it's like asking if you'll ever find mr/mrs right.

It is a long hard journey but when it works it is amazing, both for the couple and the surrogate and hopefully for the child/ren too.

QOD Fri 08-Mar-13 16:59:24

I'd heard of COTS and as weren't looking for a surrogate, I just wanted the legal advise and technical type info and support.
Surrogacy UK was more about social meets and finding a surrogate, and I don't think I'd ever heard of it then actually?
Dd is 14 so we must have joined 16 yrs ago now!!

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