Toddlers

Tackling tantrums | Biting | Sleep problems | Potty training | Fussy eaters

Behaviour and development

How diet and exercise affect behaviour | Why tantrums happen

For those of us who fondly imagine we'll be parent to a cheery Milly-Molly-Mandy sort of child who takes delight in performing chores for elderly relatives, toddlerdom, with its full complement of tantrums and mischief, may come as a rude shock.

Some Mumsnetters' examples of toddler 'mischief':

• "He stuck the end of the Dyson down the toilet and vacuumed up all the water. I think that it broke the Dyson to be honest." Onepieceoflollipop
• "My daughter silently and unobtrusively brought several buckets of water in from the garden (having first worked out how to turn on the external tap) and helpfully washed the kitchen floor for me." Smithagain
• "My nephew decided to dig a hole in the garden and bury his dad's mobile phone. It was only discovered after the hundredth look round the house and phoning it to try and find it, one of them noticed the ground outside was ringing." Conkertree
• "My son has helpfully posted all my credit cards through our floor boards." lssb

Your toddler's behaviour

"Pick your battles" is an oft-repeated mantra on the Mumsnet Talk forums. There's no point getting mad over every minor indiscretion because if you're constantly reprimanding your children your punishments will swiftly lose their impact.

So try (it will be very trying) to make tellings-off an unusual and rare response.

Accept that some things you just have to ignore - you're managing a two year old, not a 20 year old, and posting satsuma skin up their nose instead of finding a bin is part of their learning process.

Concentrate on the big misdemeanours, the non-negotiable rights and wrongs, and don't sweat the small stuff.

"It's annoying as hell when they pull the cushions off the couch and climb all over the pile but is it really unbearable? If they weren't doing that, what would they be doing? Perhaps something more permanently messy? They do have a lot of energy to expel so they have to get it out somehow." Boysontoast

"I think ignore things you don't want him to carry on doing but aren't totally unacceptable behaviour e.g. throwing food on the floor is not worth rising to, but running out into the road is dangerous, therefore you have to do something." Drusilla

Of course, what constitutes 'non-negotiable' behaviour varies from parent to parent, and depends on what's important to you. For most parents, certain behaviour, such as hitting, is always wrong. Likewise, pouring Ribena into sockets, charging into the road and similar life-threatening actions require strict non-negotiable boundaries.

Other more minor discrepancies, such as depositing milk over the cat, may or may not need the same level of chastisement, depending on your disposition (and your cat’s).

As your toddler develops, you'll probably employ a variety of the following methods. And, of course, the method that works for one child might not work for another.

Whichever method of discipline you choose, the key is consistency: you can't allow certain behaviour on one day and forbid it the next. "Be really, absolutely consistent and you will see results," promises one old hand. "If all else fails, you can always call Supernanny. Or send them to Grandma's."

How diet and exercise affect toddler behaviour

A toddler whose primary needs are not met will be crabby. And a crabby toddler is not an enjoyable little being.

Regular, nutritious snacks are an essential part of toddler maintenance. Making sure your child is eating a balanced diet, and getting lots of fresh air and exercise is a crucial part of avoiding tantrums and other terrible toddler behaviour.

"In my opinion, toddlers are just Labradors with less fur. Both need daily walks. We have a Labrador, too – and some days you'd be hard pressed to tell them apart." Welliemum

Why tantrums happen

"My son is two and a half and is becoming impossible. I cannot go anywhere without him playing up. I'm so upset. I feel like such a bad mother. I met up with a friend today and he was being such a complete nightmare in front of her. I feel so embarrassed and useless. HELP!" Ameli

Toddler tantrums are largely about frustration. Your little person is developing a sense of self, but is only just starting to get a grip on the fact that his emotions and experiences are not shared by everybody. He lives very much in the present moment (which is all nice and Buddhist) and is completely at the sway of whichever emotion he is feeling right now (which is not).

Such enthusiasm is part of the charm of little children. But also the reason that when they are bad, they are horrid.

"My 23 month old is testing me to my limits. Biting; hitting; throwing food at me; throwing himself on the pavement and screaming; refusing to use buggy but also refusing to walk. It's reassuring to read other people's stories; thought it was only me with the ASBO-toddler." WobblyPig

"Children tend to have tantrums for the same reason grown-ups do," writes one Mumsnetter, "they feel they are not being heard." It can be pretty boring rabbiting on all day to your toddler about the inanities of your life together, but it's essential if you want to make them feel included and cherished – both essential parts of feeling secure and avoiding those last-minute toddler tantrums.

"I was once advised that you should treat a toddler like a confused elderly aunt – just keep talking to them kindly, gently but firmly (without any judgement in your voice), explaining everything slowly." Barking

Surprises are not fun for a toddler, because it makes them feel out of control, and new things take time to process and understand. A rough idea of the day's events helps.

Some toddlers benefit from having a 'visual timetable': you can use photographs or simple drawings to put together a poster of his day, such as waking up, having breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth and hair, going to nursery.

As the day unfolds, talk about what you're doing so they can mentally prepare themselves

"Count down or give notice of the next event. For example, say, “in five minutes we're going to put on our coats” (ideally point to the picture on your schedule poster). It doesn’t matter if he doesn't know how long five minutes is – it’s just important that he can anticipate a change is coming." Raggydoll

Another way of giving some control to your child is to present them with choices, so that they feel they have some control over things, and are making this happen rather than having things happen to them. You don’t really care if she wears the Upsy Daisy socks or the Iggle Piggle socks, so let her choose and she will feel grown-up and in control.

Tackling tantrums | Biting | Sleep problems | Potty training | Fussy eaters