Can you help me think through a few things? Long.

[GetYourSocksOff]

To give a little background... Pre-DH I didn't get into relationships lightly and was happily single for years at a time. I was in a managerial position and was completely independent financially and personally.

7 years and some big changes (including marriage and two children) later, I find myself trying to reconcile the fact that I am the happiest I've ever been, with the fact that I seem to be turning into someone I swore I'd never be.

While I've never labelled myself specifically as feminist or had anything more than a basic understanding of feminist theory (so I'm a little wary of posting, please be kind!), I find that now I need to find a way of contributing to what I broadly understand as feminism. This is tangled up with it being very important to me that my children have a strong female role model.

So. Here are the things I currently go round in circles about.

1. Jobs.

I always knew that if I had children, I wanted to cut down my work hours to be with them. I had completely underestimated however how painful I would find it be to be away from the little buggers them. I resigned from my management post and now do a different job, still within a more specialised area of my old skill base. It actually pays about the same pro rata were I to do the same number of hours, but I work roughly 50% of that and it does not hold the same prestige (by a long way). Development is also very limited as I am currently not prepared to travel overnight, and cannot see myself doing so for quite some time.

DH is therefore the main wage earner. Which leads to...

1. Housework.

This is a tricky one. It seems to have become an unspoken assumption that the housework falls under my responsibility. This pisses me off. But there are exceptions. I hate gardening (I previously just ignored the garden) so DH does a good job of that. He also does the cooking. And the big shop. And if necessary takes the kids out while I do a blitz, by mutual agreement because he can take a day over one room while the rest of the house looks like colditz. And the fact is that he does work full time. We do have minor stand-offs (his mum will pack for his dad when they go away, for example, or do his sewing or his ironing and these things cross my line). So I suppose the work is fairly evenly distributed, but something about it grates on me.

1. Dressing and beauty.

Since DH/children and my change of job, there have been two major shifts. One - I really couldn't be less interested in another man's attention. Two- I work in an almost entirely female environment. Interestingly, this seems to have given me a kind of safety net to enjoy dressing more femininely. Absence of management position perhaps also contributes?

So now I am seen by my children to be doing the majority of the traditional housework with my bright pink nails in a notably lesser job to my husband with the bills coming to him. And yet... Any way I can see of changing this will decrease my level of happiness.

Maybe for all my waffle I just need to sit it out until they're older (only 1 and 3 at the moment). I certainly don't come across as some kind of diminutive female in terms day to day attitude.

I find the posts on here interesting and insightful. What are your thoughts? Am I a feminist disaster? How do you reconcile these facets of your life?

That's really long. Thank you if you bothered to get through it all.

I'm a sahp with similarly aged babies to you. most feminist realise the huge amount of work that goes in to raising small children. the few who don't (like men who don't ) don't because they haven't really done it. respect your position and make sure your dh does as well. if possible go to baby groups with more sahd to balance it's out

Feminism doesn't necessarily dictate that all women must put their children into some form of full time daycare and go for the most high flying career they can, regardless of whether that's what they want. You might find that you want a job that picks up the pace a bit, once the kids are older, or you might have decided that, actually, you have a pretty nice work/family balance that doesn't feel like you're enslaved to one or the other.

The housework is obviously a conversation that needs to happen. Even if you were a full time SAHM, all the grotty jobs shouldn't automatically fall on you. Even if you negotiate no more than your husband mopping the floors and cleaning all the windows, once a week, you need to let him know that you're part time to spend time with the children, not be housekeeper. Is there money in your budget to have a cleaner come in for a few hours, every week or two, and do a deep clean so there's less to keep on top of?

As for the way you dress, well you dress however makes you comfortable and happy (so long as dress codes are adhered to, obviously). I'm far from feminine and live in joggers and t-shirts, much of the time, but I always have painted toenails because they make my feet look nicer.

GetYourSocksOff, in my humble opinon - if you are not working full time but want to do something of real worth aside from earning money and caring for your kids why not do some volunteer work or write protest letters for good causes, raise money for charity or work for women's quality, peace and safety worldwide.

Here is a good charity if you need one to think about.

www.28toomany.org/global-projects/28-too-many-campaigns/

It sounds like your dh does a lot, which is fab, as do you, which is fine if you are both happy, if not then re-negotiate the things you want to do together.

If you want to wear pink nail varnish, then do, IMHO it doesn't make you any more of any less a feminist.

Enjoy your life and look for ways to improve the lives of other women's and let your kids see you doing that, if that is something that will help you to feel powerful and enable them to see you being powerful.

My mum and dad took on fairly traditional gender roles when I was a child, but I still grew up feeling like my mum was a big feminist influence on my life. Although, thinking about it now, my dad's attitude was just as important. My mum and dad never seem to take each other for granted, I never saw my dad assume that he could tell my mum what to do (in the way I read on many threads here, where husbands complain that the house is a mess or whatever), and I never once felt like either of their jobs was more or less important than the other.

As I got older, I realised that my dad earned more than my mum, but it'll be a while before your kids understand that aspect of things. And by the time they do, it's not such a big deal because things can be explained.

Also, both my mum and my dad were good at encouraging me in my ambitions, and it didn't matter whether it was something traditionally male/female.

So, all in all, I think it's their attitude to me and towards each other that has stuck with me far more than the actual roles they took on.

Although, as a disclaimer, I don't think that traditional gender roles is a bad thing, if it suits both people and if the SAHP isn't feeling forced into the role and into losing their independence. Like MyHumpsMyLovelyBabyBumps says, most feminists would like to see the task of raising small children more respected.

My mum was a SAHP and my feminist icon. It is quite possible to be both - the goal is not to place value on one type of parenting but to place equal value on all (and for all).

The important thing is to ensure your DH values the work you do for the family and the house. If you're unhappy with that split of responsibility it's probably because it's not being handled equally - so strap your feminist spurs on and speak up, you're the Chief Operating Officer of the Socks family. As ruby says, feminism needs to be modelled by both parents - it certainly was in my house - and it has nothing to do with how much money one partner is bringing to the partnership.

If you want to strike a blow for feminism specifically, why not get involved in some campaigning? Can you help Rights of Women? Or even help fundraise for the Women's Land Army tribute? Can you support Women's Aid or Women in Technology?

Back properly later, but do you and your DH get equal amounts of free time after work/childcare/chores are done?

OP, a huge part of feminism is to recognise and fully appreciate the role that women play in bringing up the next generation.

Having DC, giving them love and bringing them up to be confident and kind is an incredibly feminist thing to do.

Be proud of what you do.

The only thing I would make sure of is that, like someone said upthread, you're not being a housekeeper. If DH does the cooking that's great but you might want to test his flexibility by cooking a couple of nights nd seeing if he picks up the slack. I appreciate he works full time but I know women who work full time and still do most of the housework. Housework is the suckiest part of the whole thing and that's not why you gave up a full time job.

Ditto what everyone says about charity.

Am I a feminist disaster?

No you are a woman who is happy to work part time, splits chores with her partner and enjoys being a parent.

Feminism is about equality and choices. You have made those choices and are happy with them.

Other people make different choices.

Do I support you in your choices, yes 100%.

Do I support the 1950/1960s where married women were forced to stay home and be housekeepers, no 100%.

The only thing that worries me in what you write is HOW you describe your job... it doesn't have the same 'prestige' now? says who? by whose judgement? It is specialised and skilled and pays damn well per hour so be proud of it. Do not do it down.

I think feminist role-modelling in a family is about how our contributions are talked about and respected. Talk about how your job IS a damn good one, who cares if you do it half time and your dh brings in more money? Your chidren do not see the bank statements, what they do see and will pick up on as they get older is your and your dh's attitudes towards your work.

I am freelance and part time in our house, DH has always earned more than me, but my job is easier for people to understand and is well thought of and in the public eye. I am proud of my work and so is DH. And that comes across to others including children (though ours isn't old enough).

Also, housework - you say you do most of it but your dh does the grocery shopping, cooking and garden.. that sounds pretty balanced to me. In our house I do cleaning the rest of the house and dh does kitchen/cooking/groceries and we share laundry (he mostly does his own as I don't do a shirts wash or a sports kit wash). So, I'd say look at the actual balance of work, tweak it if it needs tweaked to be balanced, then start describing it as balanced.

I have a boy and one of my concerns is for him to grow up knowing that mums/women can do sport, run races, ride bikes, wire plugs, do diy, fix things etc. I don't want to hear 'girls can't or don't do that...' about anything and it does help that I am pretty practical and sporty too

I think OP feels a bit unsure because all she did before children is not very visible anymore. I'm all for free choice (does that even need saying?). So, OP, really just do what makes you happy.

On a side note, I do think it's a bit sad that so many ambitious women (women who want to work in good, well paid jobs) 'downgrade' (so-to-speak) their work. We can all say, well, this is completely fine as long as men feel they can do just the same.....but they don't (well, the vast, vast majority don't).

Children act by following examples, a working, ambitious mother is sure to inspire the same in her children. If most/all the families around that child have part-time mums and top-job dads, well, setting the example that at least one mum they know is the bread-winner sends out a very important message.

I'm not ambitious (nor is DH) so this ^ doesn't really apply to me. However, I do live in a pretty sexist society (yes, worse than the UK believe it or not) so for me the challenges in tackling gender role assumptions are related but different. I feel the need to add this as I'm not trying to make OP feel bad about her choices.

Hi everyone, there are wonderful and thought provoking responses here. I'll reply properly later when I have more time but just wanted you to know I haven't disappeared.

What everyone else has said and:

1. Housework - the way to balance, is to ensure that you both have equal leisure time. Your time being with the kids without your DH, isn't leisure, it's childcare, even if they're asleep - you're on call, so to speak, so you're not free to go out and leave them for a wander or a browse in a book shop or something. So after paid work, domestic labour, sleep and childcare how much leisure do you both have? If it's roughly the same, you're doing OK, though his lack of efficiency with the blitzing could be worked on, as could your's with the gardening; if he enjoys gardening and you won't do it, that's not quite the same as you not enjoying blitzing while he won't do it. It may seem petty and pernickety, but such are the little niggles which can build up over years and disturb an otherwise happy relationship. It's really important to not ignore them - it's not big dramas that usually make people "de-couple", it's the endless little stuff that piles up over years, so just make sure that any of the little stuff you notice niggling, is dealt with as early on as possible.

1. Your career. At the moment, the work life balance is brilliant, you're enjoying yourself, you've got the best of both worlds. In ten years time, you may find that you've got more physical freedom (in terms of not having to actually be there the whole time) than you've had for years and you want to start to upshift your career a bit - hang on in there and don't undervalue what you've got. I remember being at your stage and just feeling that I would never want to work full time again, but (you're probably bored of being told this) the time really does pass incredibly quickly and when your kids are teenagers and in and out of the house with their own keys and taking their turns at cooking and not needing babysitters anymore, you will want to make sure that you're in a good position to take on more responsibility at work, maybe more hours if need be and that you've kept your skills and managerial potential updated so that doors will open when you want them to. Wish I'd followed my own advice.

BTW I know someone who did what you're doing and now that her DC's are all in secondary school, she's gone back to work ft (she was doing pt for years) while her DH (who is a dept manager) who has been doing ft all those years she did pt, has cut his hours down to 30 a week - they are a couple who take both their careers (not just his) and their parenting (not just her's) seriously and they've worked out the best way for them to try and get the careers they both want - he acknowledges that he wouldn't be a manager if she hadn't enabled him to do the hours he did to get there, by being the grunt-work organiser at home and that he's now in a position where he can do more child care (though less of it is needed) without damaging his career, so he can better support her's as she did his. They are possibly my favourite couple.

Firstly, the thought of doing something which improves the lives of other women really interests me (thanks italiangreyhound and tribpot). The charity I currently support is lendwithcare.org, specifically lending to female entrepreneurs, generally those who are working to put their children through school and improve their family's lives. But you've set me thinking about ways I might do this more prominently when I get more time. It's an interesting thought.

The other thing which is particularly relevant is the way DH views my role now. Sometimes I think he respects me less than he used to, mostly I think I'm projecting my own doubt onto him. I need to take a step back and talk to him about it if it's the former.

To answer what a couple of people asked - yes, in all fairness I think we probably do get roughly the same amount of downtime overall.

buffy, I agreed with everything you wrote.

badguider your point about the way I view my job is interesting. In truth, I'm proud of my job, it's unusual to get into the situation I'm in, hence the decent wage. However when people ask me what I do, the short answer is not so impressive (and the long answer makes me sound full of it). I don't really care on balance, I took the job knowing this and it's a job I can do really, really well without it eating into my home hours very much at all. It's flexible, I'm well regarded at work, the stress levels are low and, well it's perfect at the moment. I hadn't realised how much I link my job title to my identity.

basilbabyeater that's good advice, again I agree with a lot of what you've said.

The other thing which bothers me at the moment is that I'm now at an age where I really do need to be thinking about how I'll cope financially in retirement (I buried my head in the sand about this one in my twenties and I'm shamefully unprepared) but, although I'm saving a little, I'm not really in a position to do this. I believe that relying on someone else is foolhardy and I lose sleep over this one.

Getyoursocksoff can you speak to a financial advisor if you are worried about finances?

I have spoken to one, the one we use as a couple. He didn't have a great deal of advice other than investing in an ISA, but without the disposable income to put aside I feel a bit stuck.

This was also the guy who told us my salary wasn't worth consideration when looking for a mortgage (just to reiterate, it's a decent part time salary)... This was not long after DD was born, I was still in a sleep deprived fog, and I have PTR (post traumatic rage) that I didn't give him the absolute mouthful he deserved. WTF.

Should just add that we didn't take out a new mortgage in the end so in practice it was irrelevant, but still. It didn't help matters.

ISAs are crap. They give hardly any return at all and you have to move your money a lot to take advantage of the interest rates if you're going to stick with them long term. He sounds worse than useless.

The guy selling the mortgage needed a serious flicking on the nose. Even 15 years ago, when i last went for a joint mortgage, the lending level was based on 3 times one salary, plus the other OR 2.5 times the joint salary - whichever worked out best. That's obviously changed, now, but he was being bloody rude. he should be grateful that you were restrained.

I have a private pension (self-employed) and we take my contribution to that off my income before calculating my contribution to the family finances. After all, dh's pension contributions come out at source (he's paye).

I have a great ifa called "independent women" - she is mainly my ifa but does advise dh too but she doesn't dismiss me and my concerns like some male ifas do. She quite rightly says that women's finances are more complex.
Try googling for ifas for women in your area?

The one place where you can really, really make a difference to feminism is in how you bring up the next generation. You don't mention your childrens' genders - although actually thats unimportant - but really thinking about how you parent (not suggesting you aren't) and bringing up boys and girls in the right way is so, so important. And you can do this while living in a couple who have traditional gender roles (much to my surprise I also find myself in this situation) too.

It may well be that things change for you in years to come.

I have been a ft wohm on a significantly lower salary, then dh's job went tis up and he didn't get paid for a couple of months. Then we moved to the US and I was a sahm as I couldn't work. Now I'm wohm ft again, AND I run a very part time business, AND I'm doing an MA part time.

I like to think that dd will be proud of all the things I've done in my life: raising her, my education, and my work.

The main point about feminism isn't that you have to do a certain job, but that you are given as much respect and freedom as all people, birth by yourself and the world around you.

10 years from now your life will be different and you may change your work patterns gain. It works for you now. Be proud that you have achieved the things you have done in your life and have respect in yourself.