right so am now having to colour code dd because if I don't she's going to get bloody confused.

(31 Posts)
unrulysun Thu 15-Nov-12 21:06:22

Dd is 2.5 and mostly wears nice hard-wearing jeans and tops with animals on. Mostly bought in the boys section because of the pink thing. But not overtly 'boys' clothes. She has quite short hair 'cos it's practical. Again not very very short, just not in her eyes.

And now other children at playgroups have started saying things like 'You can't play with THAT <indicates doll or pink thing dd wants> you're a BOY'.

So I now feel like I need to put a hairgrip in her hair or give her pink socks or a T-shirt with a frigging cupcake on or something so that she doesn't get massively confused about her gender.

Fuck's sake. Am really really angry about this shit.

EmmelineGoulden Fri 16-Nov-12 11:40:48

OP I'm in the same position (and also in London). For the last 3.5 years I've been putting them in gender neutral clothes. Bright colours. Bold prints. Soemtimes trucks, some times flowers. But I avoided pinks and light purples (they had some, but no more than other colours), dresses, frills, bows and heart and princess motifs.

Apparently this isn't gender neutral. Everyone seems to think it's male.

They started to be called "boys" more and more by other children. I never cared about random adults, because they normally have the grace to accept when the girls replied "no I'm a girl". But kids often don't. They go on and on. And after two incidents that made them really unhappy I made a change.

Now I try to make sure there's some "marker". One daughter has had a growing affinity for pink anyway (thanks Peppa Pig hmm). So she now has a pink coat. They both have pink wellies. They have some hello kitty stickers on their blue scooters. I'm not prepared to grow their hair because even at the current short length it gets tangly and hurts. I can't bring myself to make them put up with pain to look the part. Am searching for hairstyles that will work better.

I hate it. I'm uncomfortable with it, and I don't agree with it. But I think you're right about the point being that they grow up confident. And I don't think they'll do that if they feel socially ostracised.

From what my friends with older girls tell me, the pink phase is just a phase and they mainly seem to start rejecting it at 6 or 7. But the pressure to be concerned with their looks does not fade, it gets worse. So I'm hoping as they grow to show them how to be aware of it and negotiate it as best they can. I'm also hoping I can convince them to see past "looks". But I think it's a big ask and I'm not sure it's possible, awareness may be the best we can manage.

ceeveebee Thu 15-Nov-12 23:18:58

I'm surprised that you all struggle to find non pink clothes. There are loads of non pink clothes out there. H&M do vests and leggings in every colour under the sun. My 12 mo DD rarely wears pink, usually red, purple, green. I get a lot of stuff from Verbaudet as well. In fact I don't think she has a single pink thing in her wardrobe other than the odd polo neck.

nailak Thu 15-Nov-12 23:05:43

my dd2 thought she was a boy until she was 3 and a half, we didnt avoid pink clothes, she wore some pink and some other colours, for us it has been quite easy to find striped, blue, beige, yellow, red girls clothes, although they do have pink and flowery clothes too. My dd1 loves girly stuff.

I am also in London, and I have no issue that dd2s favourite toys were cars for ages, and now she likes animals, and ds sometimes likes dressing up like a princess, likes dolls and pushing the pram, and the homecorner.

HolyBrrrrrrBatman Thu 15-Nov-12 22:49:16

I agree that the problem may be the playgroup rather than DD's clothes. I'm also in London and at the playgroups we attend the prams, train set, tea set, builder/cowboy dressing up, princess/fairy/tutu dressing up is used more or less equally by both genders.

ThisIsMummyPig Thu 15-Nov-12 22:42:16

To me the issue here isn't what you dress her in, it's who you are mixing with.

I have never heard a pre-school child judge another on his or her clothes, but again, we are up north. My kids wear a mix of clothes, and play with a mix of toys, so do all the other kids I know. I do feel very sorry for you though.

jiminyCrick Thu 15-Nov-12 22:32:48

Haha SilentMammoth, that's brilliant!!

kim147 Thu 15-Nov-12 22:17:57

DS (7) takes a lot of convincing that boys with long hair are boys.

I also struggle to find non pink cupcake clothes. That is why my dds wear mostly clothes from the boy section. It pisses me off though, a few weeks ago dd4 attended church wearing beige cords and a white t shirt. A teenage boy asked his mum "when is mammoth going to start dressing her like a girl?".

Op, I taught my girls to loudly declaim "don't you oppress me!"in that kind of situation. Nice nod to monty python whilst seeing the chauvinist s off.

RubyrooUK Thu 15-Nov-12 21:59:47

I did see a woman in the supermarket the other day tell her little girl - about three years old - that she could get a toy. The girl wanted a car and her mum laughed at her and said "that's a boy's toy! Put it back. You can't get a boy's toy." She was dressed as a small pink version of her mother.

Found it a bit depressing especially as DS was busy next to her wearing his girls' denim leggings and shouting about Peppa Pig while asking for a teaset.

jiminyCrick Thu 15-Nov-12 21:54:29

Be anti-modern! smile

Dang these new fangled kids.

unrulysun Thu 15-Nov-12 21:45:39

A woman in my ante-natal group said she didn't want her ds to play with prams 'in case he turned into a 'chufty''.

We don't see her anymore because she's a homophobic arsehole

Maisieskates Thu 15-Nov-12 21:41:27

It's tough I know, I have heard many parents say their DS shouldn't play with dolls, prams etc at playgroups. Not sure what they think will happen to them? Likewise most of the mums I know would never dream of dressing their DS in anything pink/ purple. Again, what will happen?

Most women I know drive cars and wear very little pink. Most men I know are more than happy when they get a chance to push the buggy and don't wear head to toe blue/ brown every day.

Dress your DD however you like, I do, you will find yourself 'educating' people along the way. Your DD will witness this and mirror the way in which you deal with these scenarios. Fantastic lesson for your little one.

EverybodysSnowyEyed Thu 15-Nov-12 21:38:50

my dd is the same age, has short hair because that's all she's grown! She wears a variety of clothes, including pink and dresses, because I don't think you should restrict everything 'girly' just because it is girly. She wears a lot of DS' hand me downs too

Whatever she wears people think she is a boy. It's the hair. Children at that age are gender neutral unless they are completely naked! People don't look beyond the hair!

DD couldn't care less! But no one has ever said she can't do something because of her gender - I didn't really think little ones really had much idea about gender differences.

I tend to buy her clothes in GAP, M&S, the supermarkets etc, loads of their stuff is a range of colours/not too many motifs that are particularly girly. She's very rough and tumble so she needs practical clothing!

Mathsdidi Thu 15-Nov-12 21:34:07

My dd2 is the same age and is massively into dinosaurs at the minute. So ALL the clothes she is happy to wear are boys clothes, jeans and a dinosaur tshirt. She also has wellies with cars/trucks on and a blue coat. The one clue people have as to her gender is her slightly longer hair but her little friend who is a boy also has longer hair. When people mistake her for a boy she just laughs at them and says 'I'm a girl!!' She's perfectly happy and if she has to fight a gender battle she's fine with that as long as she's allowed to carry on wearing her dinosaur tshirts and socks.

unrulysun Thu 15-Nov-12 21:32:00

God knows how I'll reconcile her to not being a banana...

unrulysun Thu 15-Nov-12 21:30:57

It's all a bit Petit Bateau where I am biscuit So quite dresses and plimsolls indeed. And dd is more of a climber/roller/tumbler. Possibly because she doesn't have to worry about exposing thirty quids worth of frilly pants...

And Jiminycrick yes I think a modern thing. Which is why I worry...

RubyrooUK Thu 15-Nov-12 21:28:42

I don't think she'll be confused. I had never a single pink item growing up and wore mainly brown/blue. I went to a school where I was the only girl but still seemed to grow up pretty feminine and non-confused about my gender.

DS goes to nursery with a whole bunch of kids and only a couple of the girls are sparkly pink clothes wearers. DS' best friend is a girl and she wears his clothes quite often as well as a whole bunch of tops and trousers (occasionally a dress).

I think your DD's wardrobe sounds pretty normal and you should ignore the other children. Someone told my son the other day at nursery that he was a banana, so I don't think you can take these things too seriously. grin

unrulysun Thu 15-Nov-12 21:26:28

Arkady it's good to hear that it's not something he's bothered about. Maybe I just need to let her say 'I'm a girl'? Just worried that she should have to stress that when most of the other girls don't? Don't want her to think there's something not quite right with her confused

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 15-Nov-12 21:26:28

I'm in the NE, we're a bit rougher up here I think wink All the kids play rough and tumble, dresses and plimsolls just wouldn't work.

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 15-Nov-12 21:25:17

Mine are the opposite. Dd1 is very girly and image conscious. Dd2 doesn't care, so long as she climb in it, she will wear it, although she does like glitter but then so does my nephew.

jiminyCrick Thu 15-Nov-12 21:24:27

I had two big brothers and mainly wore their hand me downs (aside from for party dresses) there are pictures of me in crappy t-shirts advertising trucking companies! (parents were big on free stuff) Barely any girly stuff in sight. It did me no harm. Also, kids were mean to me, but they were mean to everyone, I didn't really care.

I was never bothered with playing with dolls, the best xmas present I ever got was a mini tool kit, I was more interested in making stuff, anything, clothes for my toys, play houses. There was no worry about gender specific anything. It seems like a modern phenomenon. If you had no choice in what you put her in, you wouldn't even be thinking about it.

Personally, I think the fact that what I was wearing didn't matter helped me to not give a damn about what people thought. I'm sure your DD is as sensible as you and will learn to stand up to the nasty bullies. You do whatever you want to do and damn it if some little kids will change what you chose to do!

I know you don't want her to be unhappy, but when she realises that they're being stupid, it could be good for her. I never gave into trends or fahsions as a teenager, simply choosing things that I liked, and I did it with confidence, and if anyone laughed at me for it, more fool them. If you give into them, it's not the best lesson in life.xxx

unrulysun Thu 15-Nov-12 21:24:09

Dunno - I live in London? And in real life I think... smile

Arkady Thu 15-Nov-12 21:24:01

My long haired and very pretty boy knows he's a boy, and has never thought he's a girl. Even though random strangers constantly do. He spends a lot of time announcing "I'm not a little girl I'm a big boy", but it doesn't seem to bother him.

Sadly as so many other people do colour code their kids, many of those kids will believe that someone not in head to toe pink can't be a girl. Particularly kids who believe that boys can't play with dolls etc.

LadyofWinterfell Thu 15-Nov-12 21:23:43

Sainsburys have got some nice bold blue and red stuff in at the moment among the pink, I bought DD1 some today and I struggle to get things in the colours she (and I) like!

DD2 however is a lost cause.

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 15-Nov-12 21:17:23

Oh dd2 is not keen at all on pink and fussy, her clothes have to be suitable for tree climbing and sword fighting with sticks. Boots, jeans and tops. She likes dressing up for parties but that's about it.

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