Raising 2 boys

[SweetGrapes]

Hello ladies,
I have been lurking here for quite sometime and thinking about things. I have 1 dd and 2 ds's (4 and 0.4). I wanted some ideas about how to raise my boys so they are feminists (treating people equally - thats how I see it).
Raising my dd is just one part of it - but if things really need to change it's my boys (and all the others!) who need raising correctly, isn't it?
One thing was for me to go back to earning and dh to do housework visibly.
We thought of doing a boys cooking night and a girls cooking night so even though I do the lions share of the cooking, they get to cook with dad regularly.
Any other ideas please?

I've been thinking about this a lot as I have a DD (5) and a DS (18 months) and am having to do a lot of rethinking and analysing of the way forward. So far I have come up with.

Teach them that contraception is as much their responsibility as the woman they are sleeping with.

That no means no.

Allow them to play with whatever toys they wish and dress as they choose. One of my daughter's five year old friends loves nothing better than to wear a fairy outfit and my little son loves his pushchair and dolls but we have both had raised eyebrows over this.

My mum used to watch adverts and things with us and subtley deconstruct them. Watching TV with my children I have noticed that there is a lot of stuff that children absorb without us realising, so I try and take the time to watch with them and encourage conversation about things with are stereotyped or 'iffy'. She also used to tell us as children that the only thing boys can do that girls can't is wee standing up and the only thing girls can do that boys can't is have babies.

On a lighter note my brother has a healthy respect for women because I used to pummel him on a regular basis and win (don't you just love sibling rivalry) despite being lighter and smaller than him. I don't recommend physical violence though and we do get on soooo much better now we are not living in the same house.

I'm a feminist with 2 boys now 12 and 14. My 14 year old takes great delight in making incredibly sexist comments purely to watch me getting wound up.

Tip 1 - never let your 14 year old see that his witty banter does wind you up
Tip is not to make any comment about men should ... women should ... because that automatically triggers opportunity for a conflict situation but to focus on everybody fairness. Kids understand fairness better than politics!

e.g. if there is ironing and washing up to do, dog to be walked, lawn to be mown and toilets to clean then list the jobs and everyone takes turns to pick a job until there are none left. Golden rule is if one person is still working then the others help - you never leave one person working and sit down.

Good question. I have a DS and DD, and think about how to raise them as a feminist a lot. I intend to start by following my mothers example.

1. Expect both my son and daughter to help out with cleaning, tidying up, laundry cooking - around the age of 13/4 my mum mainly stopped doing our laundry and ironing and we had to work it out ourselves. Mine are little so just think it is a game to help mummy sort the laundry and load the washing machine -but is a start.

1. Play with any type of toys they want and congratulate actions of kindness, empathy, sharing... as well as critical thinking, asssertiveness in both. Right now both kids love Ben10 - but my son plays 'Gwen' and my daughter plays 'Ben' - who knows why, but I would love for this interchangability to last as long as possible (and I know school and peer pressure will undermine some of this).

1. As Slambang says - ignore the rebellious banter - my brothers (now in their 30's) still take pleasure in winding my mum up about what alpha male, sexist boys they are - inbetween cleaning the house, sorting out their families dinner, taking care of the kids, changing their careers to be able to cover child care responsibilies... we are not going to change everything in one generation ;-)

1. When they get older - as FirkyToodle says - no means no, importance of contraception, respect for their own and others bodies...

As with everything with parenthood, I guess we can never exactly know how things will turn out but it is important to try.

Lawrence Cohen has some good suggestions on this in his Playful Parenting book.

He talks about encouraging confidence, including physical confidence in girls, and empathy/sensitivity in boys etc....

Thanks a lot everyone! Will be getting that book - it sounds good.