Is it ever acceptable to ask for money as wedding gifts?

(104 Posts)
RockinD Fri 11-May-12 18:56:09

DD proposes to do this and has a twee little poem to send out with the invitations to soften the blow.

I am appalled and we have already had one row about it. Her view is that as she and her DF live together they have everything they need and as they want a honeymoon and can't afford it themselves, it's OK to ask their guests to pay for it.

This makes me deeply uncomfortable. Am I just old fashioned?

D

garageflower Fri 01-Mar-13 23:25:19

I don't get why it's rude? It smacks of common sense and i have never been offended by this.

Surely it's ok to be open with the people you care about?

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 17:18:00

I've never turned up for a wedding empty-handed, but being told what to give as a gift is rude, crass, grabby and, well, like school in the Summertime: no class.

You're a barrel of laughs aren't you? Whenever I've gone to a wedding I've always wanted to give a gift. If people don't want to that's fine, we just want everyone to come along and have a good time. I'd feel like a cunt turning up to any kind of party empty handed and I don't see a wedding as any different.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 15:37:23

Hopefully the next trend will be to take the gloves off and just be honest: charge admission to your wedding and be done with it.

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 15:34:00

'We have a wedding website! Our guests can look up all the details, timings, maps etc for the wedding day and give us a few quid towards our honeymoon if they would like to. I'm sure that's considered by many to be the height of poor taste but I think it makes things easy for our guests.'

Yes, the ol' 'We're doing you a favour by making it easier for you to line our pockets! Aren't we fab?'

expatinscotland Fri 08-Feb-13 15:23:54

NO.

If you have everything you need you do not need gifts and certainly not begging people to pay for your honeymoon.

I don't see why asking for cash is worse than having a gift list. I went to a wedding with a gift list, it was incredibly unpersonal, you picked what you wanted off the long long list on the John Lewis website and paid for it and the couple got an email saying you'd bought it, then it got delivered straight to them after the wedding. I didn't even get to see it or wrap it up and give it to them. I actually think a polite note saying that cash is preferred is nicer.

poozlepants Tue 22-Jan-13 16:06:42

Someone I know sent their bank details with the wedding invitation. Didn't bother cashing cheques older people had sent her for months and got pissed off when they chased it up in case she hadn't received them.
She and her dh think they are classy.

harryhausen Tue 22-Jan-13 15:50:24

I just wanted to add that for my cousins wedding (we're not that close) we weren't only asked for money outright, but we were asked to send it by a given date so the happy couple could book their honeymoon beforehand. Depending on how much money they got.

Now that really is vulgar IMO.

harryhausen Tue 22-Jan-13 12:28:02

It always amazes me when young people who have lived together for a bit say they 'have everything they need'.

I've been married for 10 years and co-ha biting for 4 years and my DH and I STILL don't have everything we need! We could do with a really lovely, good quality set of towels for instance....just something we've never 'treated' ourselves to. We've also just have to buy a new dinner set, cutlery etc.

I don't like giving money as a gift but I have done it. I felt embarrassed putting a relatively 'measly' £40 in an envelope and I didn't get a thankyou for it.

So, I don't like it. I think it's a shame there won't be any 'objects' to look back on as a marriage gift - but I will do it reluctantly if asked.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 22-Jan-13 12:13:04

I do agree that asking for anything is slightly presumptuous, but money being worse than a gift list/a gift list being better than vouchers etc. is ridiculous.

sabbby82 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:37:54

It's quite normal these days and I don't see what the issue is?

spanky2 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:23:34

We liked the poem . My Dad even wrote a poem as a reply.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Tue 22-Jan-13 11:23:16

My cousin got married just over a year ago and we got invited she had included a little poem too. It basically said that they didn't expect any gifts and weren't registered anywhere but if we really wanted to give them something for their wedding then money would be best, to add to their honeymoon fund (spa days, trips out, etc). I didn't take offence or think it was rude in the slightest.

Imagine getting loads of gifts you didn't need or have the room for. Or imagine a member of your family getting married and wanting to get them a gift only to be told under no cirumstances were you allowed to get them anything as they didn't want or need gifts. Some people might take offence at that?

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with doing this if it is done in a polite way and not 'asking' for money.

spanky2 Tue 22-Jan-13 11:10:36

My cousin asked for money for a honeymoon and her dh went to Ibiza and she went to Canada ! We were expecting them to go together ! But whatever floats your boat . I was happy to give them the money .

EuphemiaLennox Tue 22-Jan-13 10:56:13

Also, alla this 'only give us money if you'd like to we just want you there' is crap too.

We all know they'll all feel obliged to give something, and will usually go only with your 'suggestion' even if they think it's v poor taste. It's not really much of a choice.

If you really only want them to come, just invite them. Don't mention a gift unless they ask.

EuphemiaLennox Tue 22-Jan-13 10:53:03

Oh I went to a wedding she we were asked to buy them honeymoon 'experiences' which they then posted pics of on FB so you could see them enjoying what you'd bought.

I thought it was utterly cringeworthy.

They'd already booked the v expensive safari, so don't pretend it's only going to happened, or you won't get that massage or bottle of wine, unless we cough up to expand your bank balance.

If a couple really can't afford a honeymoon, they either shouldn't have one, or a very close relative may give money specifically for this, but to ask all your guests to chip in for your hols is just a ridiculous state to have reached.

Or to reimburse you for the money you've already spent, or are going to spend anyway, is even worse.

noviceoftheday Tue 22-Jan-13 10:51:45

No, I think it's vulgar. Having said that, we had a John Lewis gift list because it was just easier to do so with 150 guests. Lots of people were exceptionally generous and a small handful came empty handed. Everyone got thanked either way for their presence and/or their presents. I just wouldn't dream of having the brass to ask for cash though!

We have a wedding website! Our guests can look up all the details, timings, maps etc for the wedding day and give us a few quid towards our honeymoon if they would like to. I'm sure that's considered by many to be the height of poor taste but I think it makes things easy for our guests.

EuphemiaLennox Tue 22-Jan-13 10:44:57

When people ask for money I always feel they as saying ' we want/expect a present but don't want to be saddled with the shite you might choose. We don't want your kind thoughts or time in crossing something we just want the stuff we want, so just give us the money.'

Rude.

To give money is the choice of the gift giver who may chose to do so, becaus they don't know what to get or because they know your house is kitted out. That is then them being thoughtful with their choice of money as a gift.

You can't ask for it though. Well you can but many will think you rude. Some people like to choose something individual and want the choice to do so, or to ask for guidance, to give money should be up to them.

We had a gift list for our wedding; only for those who specifically asked about one wanting guidance. About half the guests did, half just chose something. No one gave money.

We got a lot of 'things not quite to our tastes' but didn't matter, we were overwhelmed with people's kindness.

Ninetyninepercent Tue 22-Jan-13 10:32:53

I have absolutely no problem with buying a gift from a requested list, giving cash for a holiday fund or whatever. Invites usually mention that it is just your presence that they would like but if you were thinking if a gift here are some suggestions.... I find that helpful rather than rude. I would be getting a gift anyway I would much prefer it was something they actually wanted - toaster or £ to spend on their honeymoon. Not too keen on twee poem but its her wedding and her friends and family - if people are going to take offence then pfft to them.

A friend did this for honeymoon and costed it up - you could buy them a cocktail on the beach, trip to volcano, dinner at xx, or just vouchers towards flights etc... I thought it was a lovely idea.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 22-Jan-13 10:19:36

"Someone said vouchers for particular thing would be better. Money is the best voucher in the world. Some strange and arbitrary lines are being drawn, based on out-dated cultural norms."

Couldn't agree more.

BadIdeaBear Sun 06-Jan-13 23:29:13

I don't see it as rude or vulgar - I think traditions may be changing. I hesitate to say that that's generational. As has clearly been demonstrated here, that's not the case, but there seem to many groups of friends and family who prefer the more pragmatic 'seriously we've got all the toasters/ coasters/ linen we need' and I think as long as it's phrased in a way that makes it clear there's no expectation (as per poster ContinentalKat on page 1 of this thread) and as long as it contains no hideous poem, I can't see that it's anything less than useful for guests. It has never offended me, anyway.

sashh Wed 05-Dec-12 08:06:25

I think it depends on the situation. If you go to an Indian wedding the invitation often says "no gifts", which is shorthand for "we would rather have the money".

Poems = puke

I've given money a couple of times, one was an indian wedding - you wave the money over the couple's head and have a photo taken.

Another friend was skint - she had the reception in her own home and her wedding ring is silver. Argos sells wedding rings for about £20 but they didn't have that spare.

They asked for money to buy a bed as they didn't have one.

That was fine, no problem.

I think the honeymoon thing is a bit, well, naff. They always seem to be for far flung places (Babylon I don't mean you here, you didn't ask) and never a week in Cornwall or a weekend in Paris.

Scheherezade Sun 02-Dec-12 20:32:29

I agree that its fine. I'd hate to go to a friends wedding with a toaster/gravy boat, only to find they already had two, and now have A further twenty to give away.

I'd rather my gift as useful and appreciated. We went to a friends wedding who asked for money as they already owned their own house. They sent a lovely thank you with pictures of the honeymoon.

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