Is it ever acceptable to ask for money as wedding gifts?

(104 Posts)
RockinD Fri 11-May-12 18:56:09

DD proposes to do this and has a twee little poem to send out with the invitations to soften the blow.

I am appalled and we have already had one row about it. Her view is that as she and her DF live together they have everything they need and as they want a honeymoon and can't afford it themselves, it's OK to ask their guests to pay for it.

This makes me deeply uncomfortable. Am I just old fashioned?

D

vigglewiggle Fri 11-May-12 18:59:48

I agree with you. If they can't afford the honeymoon, then they need to wait until they can. If people choose to give them money (which lots probably will) then they can put that towards it.

Asking is rude, and those awful poems are beyond tacky.

Disclaimer - I'm fairly old-fashioned too!

It is never acceptable to ask for ANY wedding present.

One puts rsvp on the card, giving a name, address and crucially 'phone number of dm/some one who can be trusted to field calls.

Then people who want to get you what they want to get you will do so (and would have even without a grab wedding list, anyway), while people who actually care what you like/have no idea will call your nominated telephone answerer and ask, like adults.

Then all you have to do is make sure your 'phone answerer is either briefed with a list of nice stuff "(s)he secretly thinks you'd love", or has a convincing tale of how you guys have gathered all the household stuff you'll ever need, but are really scraping to save up for <insert luxury item/experience with big keepsake/memories cachet>. Your guests will then volunteer to contribute. And no one has had to ask for a present like a gauche child.

This is How It Is Done. wink

lisaro Fri 11-May-12 19:19:23

No, you're right, it is very rude and those poems just compound it.

BeeInMyBonnet Fri 11-May-12 19:29:10

Noooo not the twee poem! I'm always tempted to compose one back.

I don't think there's ever a good way to go about this, but outright asking for money - there's just no good way of doing it.

BerryLellow Fri 11-May-12 19:31:51

God no, cringe! Especially with a twee poem.

Definitely better to go with the phone number and if guests ask can be told by a third party what is being saved up for.

I can't stand any sort of gift lists to be honest, I'd be far too embarrassed.

ContinentalKat Fri 11-May-12 19:36:32

I find it perfectly acceptable to add something along the lines of "we have everything we need but if you would like to give us a gift we would be very happy about a contribution towards our honeymoon fund". Rephrase to your liking, but bin the poem!

BerryLellow Fri 11-May-12 19:39:50

Also, I think it's rude to expect Evening guests to contribute.

I had The Poem in an evening invitation, and it irritated me.

Antidote Fri 11-May-12 19:47:18

IMVHO if you are asking for money then it should be either

1. Donations to a specific charity, and a reason why.
2. A 'gift list' of activities for your honeymoon eg spa treatments, balloon rides on safari.

Requests for cold hard cash deserve to be met with coaster sets of pedigree pig breeds (still sniggering at very entitled 'friend' who was given these)

BeeInMyBonnet Fri 11-May-12 20:31:01

Mind you, my own feelings aside, if people do this (and we have an invitaton for next month for a wedding c/w with poem/request for money) I will do as they wish, so I guess it's the result they want. I'm not going to force a toaster on them to make a point grin

PorkyandBess Fri 11-May-12 21:14:11

I think it's very, very vulgar to ask for money.

Sickly little ditties asking for cash are nauseating at best.

Imo, if you live together already, you should not expect people to buy you gifts to set up your home, and asking for money because you have set your up home already is just bad manners.

Co-habiting couples should specify 'no presents', donations to a charity or just graciously accept any gifts or donations that come their way.

ContinentalKat Fri 11-May-12 21:37:28

Reading this and similar threads, I am happy we got married abroad!
We paid for the wedding ourselves and cash gifts ensured we broke even on the cost of the wedding.

My dh never mentioned that asking for money was vulgar, and it seems that our British guests must have been shocked into obedience grin !

Babylon1 Fri 11-May-12 21:47:59

When DH and I got married, we didn't have a wedding list, nor did we ask for a cash alternative, we did however have charity buckets for Marie Curie Cancer care in the marquee and dotted about the reception.

People gave very generously which was fantastic, so imagine our surprise/delight on opening our many cards the following day, we received almost £3000 in monetary gifts, which paid for a wonderful 3 weeks in Dominican Republic all inclusive smile

Ps, we didn't tell our guests there would be charity buckets, but most guests came expecting to buy drinks, even though we had said to bring a bottle. There was s lot of beer etc laid on, so our guests donated their "beer tokens" to Marie curie smile

PorkyandBess Fri 11-May-12 21:50:38

that sounds lovely Babylon1, and very dignified.

Babylon1 Fri 11-May-12 21:50:38

We got given a toaster as a wedding gift grin

It even came complete with crumbs hmm

We still sent a very gracious thank you note, and we don't half laugh about it now smile

Annunziata Fri 11-May-12 21:51:20

Only for charities instead of gifts. Poems exceptionally twee. Sorry!

Babylon1 Fri 11-May-12 21:52:25

Thank you porky, we thought it a nice idea, we'd already lived together for 3+ years and had DD1......

I don't like asking for money, I find it quite rude and embarrassing really but I guess that's my upbringing. smile

ajandjjmum Fri 11-May-12 21:55:29

I don't get this sending out the wedding list or gift request with an invite. It's just rude. You invite people to join you to celebrate your wedding, and then if they wish, they ask you about gifts.

No doubt when the DC are thinking about marriage, my old-fashioned ideas will be thrown out of the window though!

chocoroo Fri 11-May-12 22:00:17

Poems are horrid. I don't object to people asking for money for a honeymoon.

However, I'm in a minority on here in that I think gift lists and the like are perfectly sensible. Who wants to RSVP and then call the Bride's mother to ask her gift suggestions? Utter nonsense.

ajandjjmum Fri 11-May-12 22:06:27

I understand chocoroo that it's much easier to include lists/gift requests with the invitations - I just don't think it's polite.

My age I suspect grin.

my DBro and (future) SIL have decided to do this...it made my teeth itch when i read it...
a cutesy quip-y poem badly disguising the begging money request. i refused to do this even though dh and i were already mortgaged homeowners and had DD

we graciously accepted the regifted 70s punchbowl set and the 2 kettles...we also recieved almost £2000 in cash gifts and vouchers and paid for the honeymoon and new tvsmile

i think that it is so presumtuous and ungrateful to tell people what is acceptable as a wedding present! generally DH and I have little spare cash nowadays and if i was to put cash in an envelope i would feel bad if it were to be £10 or some small value. its too much pressure for us cash-less folk

BigFatHeffalump Fri 11-May-12 22:22:40

I am appalled and we have already had one row about it.

Who died and made you bride? hmm She has enough stress that she doesn't need her mother poking her beak in and if she is going to have a nosy mother at least she will have one less stress of having to field loads of questions from people insisting on giving her a gift (like I did).

And she'll have a lovely holiday at end of it. Her friends won't blink at the request so just leave her to it.

EdithWeston Fri 11-May-12 22:29:26

I am so sorry that you have a DD who thinks a poem will improve things grin. On the other hand, it might be a missive to treasure.

I think soliciting cash always plays badly in UK. But if it really is her choice, it can be softened a bit by not asking directly, and that is most neatly achieved by having bride's parents as official hosts on th invitations, then you field enquiries ('they have already set up home, so they don't need any household things. They are however saving up for XYZ and their honeymoon, so contributions to any of those might be best"). You also need a few actual items they want to recommend to those who you know will be really uneasy about giving cash, or any who clearly don't like the sound of it when it is first mentioned.

TheFallenMadonna Fri 11-May-12 22:30:18

I have no problem with lists or requests for money. But no poem.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 11-May-12 22:31:58

Agree with BFH - she is the bride so you only have an advisory role I'm afraid.

I do hate the money as wedding presents thing though.

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