wrong dog for us?

[Thewomanwithnoname]

Sorry this is a bit long winded. We've always had dogs up until 6 yrs ago we had gun dogs but when the last one died we decided to have smaller dogs who aren't such a massive walking commitment. We are an average happy go lucky family and our dogs reflect this; cheerful easy going and well behaved; just happy dogs. They are a large part of our family life we take them with us on walks trips to the beach etc etc and the dogs know to behave and we all mix in happily together. Coming from a farming background we care about our animals and look after them but we are not overly sentimental. We've always had two and from puppies and also always dogs. Last year one dog died suddenly at a young age leaving the other bereft without him. I wasn't mad keen on getting another puppy so approached the breed society rescue for the dog we have and was very quickly offered a bitch same age as the remaining dog owned by a breeder. I went to see her and was told that she was a little shy but she seemed friendly enough (her two companions were very in your face) I agreed to have her on a one month trial. The breeder told me she was used to children had been extensively shown but a little wary of strange men. At the end of the first month she was not shy with me and stopped barking at every minute noise/leaf falling out of a tree etc and I thought she would steadily settle down but now seven months later she has not really moved forward from this point
Frankly she's driving me round the bend. She adores me and would follow me to the end of the earth but she just about tolerates my DH but positively hates/is terrified of my teenage son. Every time he moves anywhere in the house she barks and growls day or night when she sees him she runs frantically round the two rooms they are allowed in barking and growling. If he comes on a walk with us I cannot let her of the lead as she runs off and and if he lets her into the garden and I'm not here she will not come in, the other day she sat in the rain for three hours rather than come in. She will not be in the same car as my DS either growling at him all the time (she's behind the dog guard in the boot) and trying to get out of the car. My DH cannot get near her either and if I put her on the lead she will not walk with him holding the lead unless I'm there as she panics! We all work funny hours so the dogs are never left for more than three hours but we all participate in their care/exercise/feeding etc. she will only eat if I or my DH are in the house. This is not a dog participating in family life my DS initially was very patient he's now just lost interest in her and ignores her he thinks she's just a neurotic waste of space.
I've spoken to the breeder whose not keen to have her back as she's elderly and thinks I should persevere, a friends whose extensively involved in a very well regarded local rescue thinks its just the wrong dog for us and that we should give her to them and they will try and find her a more suitable (male free) home. My only concern is that the breeder has now told me she's has had three homes in the past (she says she was ill treated by a man in one) and knowing how devoted she is to me that another move will really upset her.

[ThatVikRinA22]

how old is she?
and how long have you had her?

she will probably get over it if you can persevere. we got a rescue dog same breed as our first dog - she was a nervous wreck, to the point where i thought there was something wrong with her as she drooled so much.

we then found out ours had been mistreated - but she did eventually learn to trust us and learn that we would never, ever, hit her no matter what she had done.

the only thing she is still wary of is the hoover pipe (i think she may have been hit with one)

i think the breeder in your case is irresponsible and an arse tbh.

[ThatVikRinA22]

(oh and i would not give her back to the breeder on any account)

[Pedigree]

Honest answer? I much rather upset the dog by rehoming her than putting up with dog behaviour that makes family time stressful when she is around, especially if it will last for years to come.

Frankly, do you want to miss hours of the company of a son that may move out in a few years time to protect the feelings of the dog? On the other hand, surely that dog would be happier if found a men free home?

[Thewomanwithnoname]

She's seven and we've had her for just over seven months but as I say no improvement for the last six months and having made a big effort when she arrived in the last month or so my DS now completely ignores her. Luckily she's not afraid of the hovers or anything like that although this would probably be more manageable.

[Thewomanwithnoname]

We have never had a "rescue" dog before and after this experience I am reluctant to get one again. All eight of the dogs I've ever owned in the past have been very carefully chosen; I've researched the breed requirements carefully, met the breeder and the parents etc and of course bought puppies which have learnt to fit in to my/our families life without a hitch. All our dogs have been normal well behaved happy dogs genuine family pets. This is why I'm so upset.

[havingabath]

All but one of mine have been rescues, the one from a pup was a sociable reliable friend. The other 8 contained one gentle sociable boy and 7 variously neurotic and aggressive beasties...sigh. It has been a learning curve!

After a month you know what you have but unless you change what you do they don't change so much. Mine have changed in direct proportion to what I have changed/learnt. Having pups and rescues is pretty different, I would get a decent behaviourist in and go from there. This sounds like a situation that could be improved.

[RedwingWinter]

Don't give her back to the breeder. If you decide you really can't manage with her, go through the friend from the well-respected rescue. However, I think you can still make a big difference to the dog and the way she behaves. It can take a rescue dog a long time to settle in, especially one that has been mistreated in the past and been through several homes in quick succession.

I agree with havingabath, I think a behaviourist could really help in this case. Make sure you pick one that uses positive reinforcement training.

How long has your son been ignoring the dog? In some ways I think that is the right thing for him to do, because it makes him less threatening. Your son and DH should both try to be as unthreatening as possible - for example, if near the dog, they could stand sideways in stead of facing her; they should let the dog approach them rather than go to the dog themselves, and so on. Your son could throw treats for the dog so that she can get something positive from him without having to go near him. If the dog is in the vicinity of your son and being calm, reward her with lots of treats or cuddles (or whatever she likes). Anything that lets her have a positive experience without getting scared.

Funnily enough one of my cats (also a rescue) wouldn't eat unless I was in the room, for months. Eventually he had settled in enough to feel comfortable eating on his own. It was stress, I think.

[Thewomanwithnoname]

The problem is my DS being a teenager has no interest in this dog now and therefore no interest in changing his ways to fit the dog. He doesn't like the dog and frankly doesn't understand why I've kept it. He knows that I'm not usually a sentimentalist don't usually advocate keeping farm animals that are not doing what they're meant to do! He does 25% of the care of the dogs.

[Thewomanwithnoname]

My DS (whose very tall and gangly with a deep voice) never even looks at the dog or even tries to go near it. He just lets her into the garden and leaves the door open hoping she'll come in. He's tried treats but she growls at him and wont even take them if he throws them at her; she runs away from them. When he's in the same room as her she literally runs frantically round and round growling and barking and she pants all the time when he's around he completely ignores her. The other day she was sitting in front of a kitchen cuoboard and she was frozen to the spot when he tried gently to move her she panicked and and somehow in the process got in to another cupboard where his breakfast cereal was and he couldn't get her out or get to his breakfast so had to go off to school without having anything to eat! So its hardly surprising he's not interested!
My other dog adores him and he adores the other dog.

[Pedigree]

What do you want to do? Don't feel the need to justify your answer, you are the one living with the dog.

FWIW I have a rescue dog who was apparently mistreated by kids. She did all the growling, etc your dog does even if the children were playing in the street. Yes, we went the behaviourist route, she calmed down (after a good few 100's pounds spent in training, etc) and she managed to accept our new born and became very protective of him, and they are great friends now after 6 years, but... I wouldn't leave her alone with any other child EVER. Many of the other problems never improved even after the nearly 15 years I have had it, 3 trainers, and a lot of TLC.

I love the dog to bits, but frankly, I think the dog would have been happier if it had gone to live with someone with no kids. That would have also saved us many years of stress and lots of money. I was too attached to let it go, but looking back I regret not having it re homed when such an opportunity presented itself.

[Thewomanwithnoname]

What prompts me to post was finding some old photos of us with the other dog taken last year. In everyone are the two dogs. We all laughing together and so are the dogs IYSWIM. I said "oh we haven't to .... for ages" and my DS quickly said "that's because of ..... we can't take her and as it's a whole day out we can't leave her behind on her own." I hadn't really noticed how she was stoping us doing things as a family and it's made me rather sad.

[AllergicToNutters]

i do feel sorry for the dog but I also feel sorry for you. It sounds to me me that the dog seems to be very unhappy living in fear most of the time. She has not yet learnt that no one will harm her . Surely, in this instance, it would be fairer to rehome the dog to an all female environment where she can relax and calm down. It is dreadful that she has had 7 homes so far but she obviously has 'issues' and it is unfortunate that you are left to deal with them. It is not your job to rehabilitate her at the expense of your family harmony. I would rehome

[daisydotandgertie]

What breed is she?

I can understand how restricting she is, but I couldn't give up on her yet. She sounds absolutely panic terrified of your son; I can hardly bear to think about what has happened to her to make her like that.

I second the behaviourist suggestion. You need some on the spot specialist help.

I would also try some herbal calming measure for a while to see if it helps her with her general level of panic - either from Dorwest or from CSJ. Or even a what used to be called DAP collar from the vet.

Poor, poor dog. Already three homes and what sounds like a terrible experience in one of of them. I honestly would have to put in more work to helping her; there will be a wonderful dog buried under there.

[RedwingWinter]

She is very scared if she won't take treats when your son throws them in the general vicinity (not at her, I hope!). A behaviourist will be able to work with you on desensitizing her in a way that keeps her below the threshold where she starts to react. For example, you would take her to some distance from your son where she doesn't react to him at all and give her a treat, and gradually reduce the distance. You could read up on counter-conditioning and desensitization yourself, but tbh you'd do best to see a behaviourist. They'll have experience at this and will be able to make a big difference.

If you have insurance for her, it's worth checking the policy because it might cover a behaviourist.

It does sound hard for all of you at the moment. Good luck and I hope it all works out.