DS (13 ) would like some advice about girl-trouble

[MrsFlittersnoop]

My DS would like some words of wisdom from you wise ladies. This situation has caught us all rather unawares, and we'd appreciate any suggestions about how to handle this tactfully! Over to DS:

Hello, I have recently become friends with the 13 year old daughter of the youth worker at the local youth club but I suspect that she is taking things a bit too seriously...

I have only known her for 2-3 months and she asked me to start going out with her a few weeks ago. In my exitement (and fear of not being able to show my face at the youth club in furture if I did not oblige) I agreed to her offer. She is a nice, sweet girl who has taken a serious interest in me but as she see's me as her boyfriend, I still see her as a friend.

I thought it might work out at first, but after a trip into town with the rest of the club, things started turning a bit pear shaped. My GF's best friend 'blabbed' to the other kids about our relationship. GF broke down into tears and told me she had ruined our relationship by telling her friend we were going out. I did not know what to do and all I could do was comfort GF.

Just today, when she arrived at youth club, GF beckoned me outside so that we could talk in private. GF suddenly started pouring her heart out to me explaining how she thought that I was the only reason she was still alive and how she hated her best friend and how she hated herself for 'ruining her life'. I have found myself in an even more awkward situation!

I do not know what to do now, I am only 13 1/2 and I am already having to deal with school problems. I go to an all boys school and haven't had much experience of girls recently.

I really like her, but she just likes me even more and has rushed us into an awkward relationship but I dont want to seperate in case she has a nervous breakdown, help!!

[colditz]

Could you talk to whichever parent of hers is the youth worker? Or maybe one of her friends?

Do you have a mutual friend who could talk to her?

Above all, please don't forget that you are NOT responsible for this girl's happiness as long as you are not deliberately unkind. if you don't want a relationship with her, it's important that you tell her that. She may never speak to you again but that has to be better than being emotionally blackmailed into a relationship you do not want.

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

Some girls like a drama and it sounds like she's one of them.

You say that you like her, well if you still want to see her just tell her (nicely) how you feel. That its freaked you out a bit.

But if you don't want to carry on seeing her then just tell it to her straight. You can't stay with someone just 'cos you're worried they may have a nervous breakdown.

[ChunkyKitKat]

I agree with Colditz and stripeyknickers, have a word with the parent youth leader.

She needs some help, but you cannot carry on a relationship because you are worried about her, the only thing to do is tell her as kindly as you can that you are unable to be her boyfriend. If you're worried about her reaction, maybe invite her round and make sure an adult is in the house to help.

[selectivememory]

I've got a nearly 14yr old DS too and he is my third teen. It seems to be that 13 year old girls take 'going out' with each other a lot more seriously than the boys and are far more dramatic about it. I would tell her you just want to be her friend, you like her but you are not ready for a 'proper' girlfriend at the moment, ((even tell a small white lie like you are not 'allowed' a serious girlfriend yet, sorry Mrs Flittersnoop ).

Some girls are under intense pressure to get a boyfriend as soon as possible, and be 'going out' with someone. I don't think many boys feel the same way. I have a girl as well and I wouldn't be too worried about the ruining her life comment, although she may feel it at the time, it won't ruin her life. Girls also fall in and out with their best friends a lot, much more so than boys, in my experience.

Could you introduce some more boys into your friendship group and then you could all go round in a gang rather than having serious GFs (that's what my DS and his friends do).

[selectivememory]

PS If you do get really worried about her behaviour, then you (or Mrs Flittersnoop) will have to alert her parent who is working at the Youth Group.

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Mrs F. here - many thanks for all your replies! NB - I'm going to C&P any replies to or further comments from DS - this is MY SPACE!

Bit of background - we moved to the other side of the country 3 months ago, and DS started at a new school (year 9) in September. He's had a very rocky start, he was getting bullied, but fortunately the school has been very supportive. He still hasn't made any friends at all, but is slowly starting to connect with other pupils.

DS is very shy. He is currently being assessed by the SENCO team for dypraxia and/or Aspergers and is fine one-to-one with other kids, but finds it hard to function in large groups, which has resulted in bullying at school. The local church youth club has been an absolute lifeline for him. The youth club worker (GF's Dad) took DS under his wing and encouraged his DD and DS to look after him, but we didn't anticipate this outcome!

I think he is enormously flattered by his GF's interest in him, although her feelings aren't entirely reciprocated. He is a v. good looking lad who looks a lot older than he is, and he can come across as more grown up (in a rather pedantic Aspie way) than his peers.

In reality, by his own admission he is far more interested in Lego, X-box games and Dr Who than girls. We are anxious to handle the situation sensitively because his only safe haven is the church youth club (apart from Warhammer club).

I've advised him to play it cool. I've explained about the volatility of girl friendships, and that 13 year old girls take relationships more seriously than boys of the same age. They only see each other at youth club twice a week where they are chaperoned by her Dad, they don't phone, text or chat on MSN in between times.

She seems to be a rather depressed lass with low self-esteem, and DS is a kind soul who wouldn't hurt a fly.

Oh lawks a mussy, I didn't anticipate this sort of palaver for at LEAST another 2 years!

[IloveJudgeJudy]

The same has happened to my son, who is not shy at all. He is just 15 and started to "go out" with a girl who was part of the group he goes around with.

He then stopped seeing her as, in his words, "she got far too serious and started dumping all her problems onto me and I just couldn't hack it".

I agree with the other posters, the girls seem to take it much more seriously than the boys who would much rather do other things (in my son's case, play football or just muck about).

[selectivememory]

If they are chaperoned by the dad then hopefully it won't become a problem, but you have my sympathies.

What a shame his lifeline has been 'hijacked' by this girl. Perhaps she will latch on to someone else if your DS carries on playing it cool. She may well lose interest in the long run. She sounds a bit needy. Good luck

[BertieBotts]

Sorry, I don't have any advice, just wanted to say Mrs. F, what a lovely lad he comes across as, a real credit to you