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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Not sure what to do

11 replies

noddyholder · 08/09/2008 13:12

In the grand scheme of things this is probably not major but I just feel a bit sad for ds atm.He is 14 really sweet boy good at school popular etc Most of his friends are 15 already this summer and he was only 14 at the very end of last term.There suddenly seems to be a big difference between him and some of them.One was having a party sat night with cider etc and he didn't even ask to go as he isn't quite at that stage yet.I am worried he will get left behind and can see him struggling a bit.He is quite small still although has filled out a bit since last term but the others look huge and have girlfriends etc while he still loves his skateboard.He spent the weekend with us watching films and eating pizza!I don't want to make him sound sad at all he isn't and is always out and about but I know this is bothering him and not sure whether to chat or leave it.I noticed on msn (wasn't snooping he left it on)that when someone asked why he didn't go to Jacks party he said he was ill and he wasn't .

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mumblechum · 08/09/2008 13:22

It sounds as though he's maybe losing a bit of confidence, but that there's no need. What I mean by that is that, if his mates expected him to go to the party (and I'm assuming he had an invite), that they don't see him as being too young or too small, but that he's got it in his head that he is.

So far as the girlfriend/drinking thing goes, I'm sure there isn't an official start day, and that not ALL of his mates will be into those things yet.

Maybe you could drop into the conversation that if he ever got invited to a party where there was going to be alcohol, you'd be ok with him having a cider or two, but that if he doesn't want to yet, and you're certainly not encouraging him, that it would be fine for him to go without drinking, maybe saying that he has an early start the next morning or something.

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noddyholder · 08/09/2008 13:33

Thanks mumble.He has had a taster of drinking in the park with some girls in teh summer and he is an outgoing party type so maybe I am just worrying.he was invited and everyone seemed keen for him to go judging by the message i saw.I just want to make sure he is ok and like you say not losing confidence as he has always been quite confident.

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Remotew · 08/09/2008 13:40

You worry if they do and worry if they don't. DD also 14 isn't confident and doesn't mix with mates at the park, or get invites to parties. Shes isn't unpopular but just doesn't show any interest. I'm trying to coax her out of it a bit and have encouraged her to go to a parade in the next town where there will be a mixed crowd.

Everyone tell me to leave her be and she will go out in her own time. Be grateful you know where she is etc. Which I try to but she still shows no signs of changing.

When I look back it's not that unusual. I was out all the time at her age and had had numerous boyfriends but many not did not. Some started at 16 even 18.

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noddyholder · 08/09/2008 13:50

My ds is always out but i thinkm this next stage scares him.I think the thought of being in a situation where lots of people drunk and snogging etc freaks him out a bit.He has had the odd kiss but his friends are becoming more active in that dept and he isn't ready.

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Remotew · 08/09/2008 14:00

Snogging and drinking at an unsupervised party! The thought scares me too . He is right not to go into a situation when he isn't ready yet.

I was quite a girl and in the thick of it at this age and I shudder when I think back. I had a steady by 14 so observed when boys were under pressure to get to 2nd/3rd base etc and how they acted when they weren't mature enough to handle it.

I'm so glad that my DD won't be one of the girls to be practised on.

He will get there in his own time. Don't worry but be pleased that he is taking a step back.

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noddyholder · 08/09/2008 14:03

you're right.He doesn't seem unhappy in any way but I know the hideous insecurity of being a teenage and feel for him.

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mumblechum · 08/09/2008 14:06

A lot of it will just be because he had a very late birthday, so by the time he gets to the end of year 10, things will probably have evened out a bit iykwim.

If it's any help, my ds has just turned 14 but is the eldest in his year, so in theory he should be blazing the trail in terms of alcohol and girls, but he has no apparent interest in either, and nor do any of his mates so far as I'm aware.

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Remotew · 08/09/2008 14:11

I feel for DD too. But she is happy staying in her comfort zone atm. She doesn't look up to her peers that are out drinking, (although she is allowed a drink on special occasions) smoking, snogging and more. I can tell. We often chat about it and agree that it is generally (not always) the ne're do well's that are on such a mission at a young age.

I will worry a couple of years down the line though if she doesn't mix socially.

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cory · 08/09/2008 14:19

I stayed in the comfort zone until I was 18 and moved from home, and I do not regret it.

For one thing it meant that when I did start partying I really enjoyed it; I wasn't pushed into it by other people.

Also, by that time I was with friends I had chosen and got on with, not just people who happened to be my age.

And it meant I now don't have painful memories of having embarrassed and upset my parents.

It did not mean that I've stayed anti-social and lonely all my life. But I'm glad that I wasn't pushed into a stage I wasn't ready for, either by my parents or my classmates. Some people just need to develop slowly.

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Tortington · 08/09/2008 14:21

i dot think its anything to worry about - but how to get your ds to realise this?

my 15 yo ds didn't have a girlfriend for ages. and went through the same stage as your ds. He also didn't like alcohol and didn't see the point of being drunk.

his views on the latter have changed a little in the past 8 months.

and he has gotten over hs awkward fear of having a girlfriend and all things sexual by going out with a posh bird who is a good girl - as a mum your know - and i know.

i really honestly believe that he has this girl stringing along becuase he thinks he should have a GF - like he should have a skateboard

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noddyholder · 08/09/2008 14:36

Thanks all Custy he is not averse to the odd cider but i think the full on teenage thing has kicked in with some of his mates and he is still mad on skating and not much else!Will let him get on with it I think He is what he is and I will prob be gutted when he does start!