What rules (for want of a better word!) do you have for your older teenagers? Finding it impossible to agree with DH on what's reasonable...

[soweary]

.....and it's making life at home really unpleasant.

I'm very much of the "don't sweat the small stuff" school of parenting with both DS1 who is 17 and DS2 (11) but DH is more of the "broken windows" type and notices everything. (BTW DH is the boys' stepfather and we've been married for 5 years).

It's got to the point where DH and DS1 barely acknowledge each other because DH thinks DS1 is "taking the p*ss". DS1 is rarely at home as he has a summer job in a restaurant working most evenings til 11pm plus he spends a lot of his time at his girlfriend's and out with his friends.

What DH objects to is that when DS1 is at home he leaves a trail of mess behind him and does nothing to help out (loading the dishwasher, putting the bins out etc)but probably the biggest cause of friction is that DS1 often comes home late after we are in bed (sometimes because he's worked til 11pm but it can also be because he's gone out with friends after work) and disturbs us which does annoy me as well as DH. It came to a head last night when DS1 phoned at 11.20 pm to ask for a lift back from work when DH and I were already in bed. I told DS1 I was in bed so couldn't pick him up. He then arrived home at midnight, having forgotten his keys and decided to climb in his bedroom window waking the whole house.

DH summed up how he feels with "what does he contribute? It's all take on his part". I can understand some of DH's points but take the view that DS1 is just a typical teenager who has lots of good points (for instance he will look after DS2 with a bit of notice if we want to go out)which balance out the bad ones.

So, MNers, I need your help. What do you expect from your older teenagers or grown up children who are still at home? Do they have a "curfew"? Do they help around the house?

Reading this back, it all sounds a bit trivial but there is such an atmosphere when they are around each other. I'm living on my nerves and getting to the point where I feel like just curling up in a ball and hoping it will all go away.

Thanks.

[justaphase]

I don't think your DS1 is being anything but a typical teenager, tbh. He actually sounds much better than me or my brother at this age.

I do think he is being terribly inconsiderate waking the house late at night and not cleaning up after himself and I think he should be told off. But I don't think this will solve the problem.

It sounds to me that your dh has a bigger issue in that he resents your ds for being your ds. Children are children and they are selfish and they take more than they give by definition. I don't know if your dh has other kids but if not this may be very difficult for him to understand.

Bottom line - I think you have a minor problem with your ds and a bigger problem with your dh.

I think maybe you should try and speak to each of them separately and reach a compromise.

[susue]

He sounds just like my DS1, sorry but he's a typcal teenager. My DS1 works full-time during the week 8am to 5pm, he comes home for a bath, eats his tea, goes to collect his girlfriend, they go to his room and then he takes her home at 10.30pm. His room is a mess and he leaves towels on the floor in the bathroom BUT he does things for and with DS2 for us, he keeps the noise down, he knows when to come in at night and be quiet when he does. He doesn't drink and drive, he doesn't take drugs, he practices safe sex and he doesn't smoke. He's my baby and I can overlook the towels and his room and see all the other good qualities he brings to our family. My sons life ,like your sons, is taking off, he has a job, friends, money, freedom and a nice home,to him he has no worries and thats how it should be. I would discuss him always having his front door key and being quiet when he comes in, he needs to be respectful of other people on that issue. Good luck,

[Carmenere]

Well I have a dss who is 18 and it drives me crazy that he leaves a trail of mess around. It is your job to house train him so that when he does leave home he knows how to behave.
Your dh is being a bit intolerant but your ds is being a bit immature and childish. He's 17 he should be able to clean up after himself and remember his keys.

[saggarmakersbottomknocker]

My ds1 is 18 and doesn't have a curfew. BUT he's expected to say when he will be home and stick to it. And he knows that I consider anything after midnight unreasonable unless it's a Saturday/clubbing thing.

He works evenings too (til 10pm) and is expected to:

Make his bed, load/unload the dishwasher, hang out any washing left out for him, iron his own stuff, hoover and generally keep the place tidy.

He pays 10% of his wages as board. And fills the car up once a month.

ds1 knows what's expected of him. Maybe your ds needs some clear guidelines as to what you want from him. Otherwise IME they take the proverbial

[soweary]

So sorry for not coming back to this before now - was posting from work.

Thankyou for all your replies.

justaphase - "It sounds to me that your dh has a bigger issue in that he resents your ds for being your ds." Sadly, you're not the first person by a long shot to say that and, deep down, I do wonder if you are right.

susue, Carmenere and Saggar - DS1 was at home when I got back from work today so I sat down with him and told him he needs to behave with consideration by picking up after himself etc but most importantly by remembering his key and being quiet when he comes in. Basically, to behave like an adult if he wants to be treated as an adult. He seemed to listen to me so we'll see.....

On reflection, I do tend to be over-tolerant, mostly because things were unreasonably strict at home when I was a child / teenager. I had a step-father with whom I didn't get on with at all (what an understatement!) and I always swore that things would be very different for my children but history seems to be repeating itself with DH and DS1.

I agree, Carmenere, that DS1 should be "trained" for when he leaves home and I can see that if I find it hard as his mother to deal with the mess and noise it must be doubly hard for DH as a step-parent, especially as he has had limited experience with children ( he has a daughter who he hasn't seen (not his choice) for over 4 years, since she was 8 years old).

I know this sounds trite but all I want is for everyone to get on and be happy. Thanks again for all your advice.

[dragonstitcher]

Interesting. DH and I are the other way around with his boys. I is too easy going on them and I wish he would be firmer. Yet it is the same way as you with my girls, he is too hard and I wish he would ease off.

BTW 19yo stepson had DH take him take him into the city, arranged for him to pick him up again at 11.30pm, changed his mind when DH got there and then phoned begging for a lift home at 2.30am when we were in bed. DH obliged. He clocked up 80 miles that night. He says 'What was I supposed to do? Leave him stranded?'

[fizzbuzz]

Sounds like normal step parent/stepchild relationship. Well,no I don't exactly mean that. What I mean is:

I have 2 ss. I was initially much harder on them than on ds. It wasn't intentional, and I made a huge effort to stop when I realised what I was doing.

But, if you read about dynamics in stepfamilies, this is one of top problems. Step parents can be much harder than natural parent. I think it is down to evolution and protecting your own genes.

I think your son sounds like a better than normal teen tbh. He has a job, and a girlfriend, and yes...ok..he leaves a trail of mess. But they ALL do that. We are always having a go at ours about it, but it seems to be hardwired into teenage brain. I believe they do think they are being tidy, but somehow spoons, glasses crumbs etc don't seem to count.

Your dh has the problem, but from a lot of stepfamilies that I know, it is a very common problem. HTH