13 years old doing drugs -need advice , please HELP!

[SpikeHairandFab]

We found out that our son smoking weed. I smelled on him and then serched his room , I've found some tabacco , rizzla and lighter, after that he still tried to deny everything by saying that it is not his etc. So I went through his mobile and there was everything as clear as fucking hell !! We are absolutely shocked! ! He is sensible , doing very well at school, well behaved (as the teenager can be) boy. Since we came back from holiday (last Wed) all what he did was trying to get some stuff and asking friends if they want to chip in, and they more than happily did. I know 2of them , but don't really knows the parents. What shall I do? Call the parents? Police? School? We grounded him till end of year, took away his mobile, laptop snd Xbox. I am pretty sure that he did this before as from txt messages seems he is advanced in this , although he is still saying no, that was first time. And that is what worries me even more - the lies , he lied about preety much everything and even when whole world saying that hes lying he will swear that he's saying true.
Sorry for the long post , can someone who unfortunately has any experience in this matter can help me? Thank you in advance.

[Ireallymustbemad]

I can't help really as haven't been there thankfully (DS1 is only 12 so it may well come).

I would point out to him though if he's asking friends if they want to chip in it sounds like he's getting it for all of them which would officially be seen as dealing. He may well be shocked at that. For that reason I wouldn't involve the police now but I may well threaten to do so if he ever does it again.

Good luck dealing with it, it's my idea of a nightmare. Thinking of you.

[omwards]

I'm not sure that grounding till the end of the year is the course of action I would take (and we have teens). It's such a long punishment, it doesn't really give much incentive to improve.

I agree this won't have been the first time.

I would speak to the school, let them talk to them about drugs. I would let him out to see friends apart from any you wish to blacklist. I would also work on the friends who were also involved - it might be an idea to speak to their parents, or at least say you are going to. I might also get a local policeman to come round and put the fear of god into him, particularly about supply. At that age, they tend to think the law doesn't apply to them yet.

I would also check up on him, every step of the way, perhaps even with drug testing kits and allow him back his privileges on the basis of a complete absence of any funny business. The next few months can be about him winning back your trust.

Sorry you are going through this. Take a deep breath and keep talking to him. Now is the time to work on your relationship with him, not just be horrified and alienate him with punishments that allow no room for improvement.

[WhenIWasYounger]

I smoked weed from the age of 12 and quickly escalated to other drugs. I wasn't a heroine addict or anything but up to my mid 20's did a lot of drugs including class A's. (I'm not saying this is what will happen to your son and I know many, many people who have the odd smoke and that's it)
The only thing I can put it down to now is I didn't have a close family life, but I had extremely close friendships and the drugs culture bonded us and I needed that connection. I was a good lier but I wasn't supervised at all really. I wasn't lectured or punished for my behaviour but i had been i cant see that it would have worked.
Maybe you could use the grounding time to really spend some quality time with your son doing activities he Enjoys. Draw a line under what you have found and try not to let the relationship between you be affected negatively. (I'm not saying you don't spend time with him, but maybe more quality time might help)

[specialsubject]

tell him a) to stop wasting your time with crap lies b) that drug dealing will get him in lots of trouble quickly and c) that you would like him to get some more useful and healthy hobbies.

[flow4]

Don't talk to school. DON'T. Most schools have a zero tolerance drugs policy. It is quite likely to result in his permanent exclusion. It will definitely result in them investigating whether any smoking or dealing has gone on at school, and if so, they will report it to the police as well as excluding him. Any future drugs activity at school will bring him under suspicion again.

Will post more later.

[valiumredhead]

I would ground for a long time. He's 13 you are able to have control and nip it in the bud hopefully.

Where's he getting his money from? That's what you need to stop/monitor along with phone and other forms of communication.

You need to come down on him like a ton of bricks imo which you have done.

I'm not sure about school, of be tempted to involve them. I don't think it would be exclusion here.

[valiumredhead]

I absolutely agree about bonding/ close time. I was the same.

[valiumredhead]

I think I'd want some sort of family counselling too.

[flow4]

The only way of being sure, Valium, is to read the drugs policy of the individual school. Some state they will exclude only for use at school, some for use "under the school's authority" (ie including any time a pupil is in uniform or truanting), and some specify they exclude for any confirmed drug use at all.

A lot of what I'd say here I said recently on this thread .

[SpikeHairandFab]

thank you all for your time reading it and reply. We have very busy family life,but I agree he might feel be lonley,as he was only child in the big family,then his sisters came along and two nephews, and I guess I was sometimes too busy with the little ones to have time for him,but I think we are close. I spend last two days talking with him, trying to point out what he might loose ,and all the consequences of doing drugs etc. I will not go to school,as Im worried he will be expeled,but I will get our local policeman to come and talk to him. Also i spoke to people from Call Frank line and they gave me a few good advice,so I hope we'll sort this out...somehow. He accept that he is grounded until New Year,and I think it wilk do him good,as he loves going to skatepark,and meeting friends,but I am worried I will never be able to trust him again /-( and the most worrying thing is he told me he really liked to be high!!! how am I supposed to react to this one?

[SpikeHairandFab]

and he got pocket money,for doing little chores around house,like taking rubbish outside,move the grass, hoovering etc. its usually £ 7-10 a week,but while hs grounded he will not get any.

[ll31]

Can u maintain a grounding that long tho?

[Weegiemum]

One of my students (I teach basic skills to adults) got a 4 month prison sentence for this kind of dealing (oh yeah my friends gave me the money ...) though this was on her 3rd offence.

This is the bit I'd really crack down on. Convictions for dealing could follow him his entire life.

[AlfalfaMum]

The thing that would worry me most is that it can affect brain development; I know of quite a few people that started smoking weed regularly at this age and it's had long term effects on their mental health (my brother being one of those people, sadly).
I think is would try to educate him on the facts, he will probably be surrounded by people saying "oh it's just a bit of weed", and granted its not heroin, but it's definitely not harmless either.

[AlfalfaMum]

See here.

That's website might have some good info for you, too.

[AlfalfaMum]

Sorry, I just read above that you already rang their helpline :)
Anyway, show him that page if you haven't already.

[flow4]

Spike, a lot of teens smoke cannabis or skunk because they like it. The only possible thing you can do about that is make sure he has a lot of other things in his life he enjoys, that give him an equal or better buzz.

The biggest risk to grounding him for so long is that you remove his access to fun but you do not remove his access to drugs. Cannabis is present in very many schools. Even back in 2009 - and it's more widely available now - a Joseph Rowntree Foundation study showed 43% of young people who smoke it at all smoke in school. My own son was given his first few splits (I found out later) on the school bus in the morning. :(

Beware of letting your DS get bored or miserable or disengaged. I know some people will think that would be appropiate punishment, but that's exactly why young people develop problems with cannabis. Give him good, positive reasons for wanting to 'keep his head straight' and lots of opportunities for enjoying life in other ways.

[flow4]

'Spliffs' not splits.

[omwards]

Oh, yes, perhaps going into school might not be the best idea.

If he has accepted grounding and is not angry then maybe he was scaring himself a bit, and is happy you are back in control.

It sounds like your relationship is close if he has been able to express his feelings about being high. You could maybe talk about other ways of getting that feeling on endorphins and adrenaline. If he likes the skatepark there may be a parcours club there or something similar.

[funnyperson]

I think this is scary.
I do not know what is best. These things are easier to talk about than to treat.
Here are my suggestions
1)keep the lines of communication open
2)do not blame yourself
3)be prepared for irritability and lies when he goes cold turkey and stick by him
4)get him off drugs.
5)if necessary take him away for 2 weeks to get him off them.
6)pick him up from school or the school bus every day for a term, take him to an after school club and keep him grounded till Christmas.