Mumsnet Talk

That's it, in a nutshell, but the longer story is this.

DD is 13. A friend (A) confided in her today that a second friend (B) is very depressed and is self harming. A is not supposed to tell anyone, and DD is not supposed to know, and not supposed to tell anyone. Obviously she has told me. B does not want her parents to know, as they are part of the problem, apparently.

I need advice on what to do. I have rung the counselling service that serves their school, and they have told me that this would be a confidential situation. DD is going to speak to A to try to get her to encourage B to go to the counsellor. So, that's a start.

This seems a bit ineffectual, though. I would really hope that if was happening to my daughter, and other parent dulls knew, they would do something.

However, I am constrained by the fact that neither DD nor I are supposed to know.

I feel quite upset about this, and hope there are some useful suggestions.

(I have namechanged - a bit paranoid, but I don't want to risk being recognised.)

I would ring someone like Young Minds
www.youngminds.org.uk/

I had to ring them about a young relative of mine, they specialise in MH issues in children, you ring them anonymously.

I can see what a difficult situation you are in

I found out my DD was self-harming by accident - I found her on a website and read a thread which she was typing. However, the website was Childline and I would strongly recommend you tell your DD tells friend A to tell Friend B to get straight on that website.

DD was horrified that I found out. Absolutely horrified. But she is now on the CAHMS priority list for counselling and seems a bit more relaxed about things: Christmas was awful as she was in such a weird mood all the time.

But the other thing that occurred to me is that the number of teenage girls who self-harm is on the increase and is very prevalant. So in our day, we would just have a quick fag and raid our parents' drinks cabinet to blot out the misery. Today's kids are taught to shun fags and booze, so it occurred to me that cutting themselves is their way of finding a quick fix release and blotting out misery by causing themselves pain. after all, for those who have smoked, the early fags weren't pleasant.

I dont' mean to demean self-harming, my poor little girl has been in a terrible state and it's going to take a very long road to recovery, but I can really see why they do this now.

The other thing to tell friend A to tell friend B is to keep the wounds clean to avoid infection. We had a counselling session the other day and the nurse basically admitted that if you can't stop the cutting, at least do some damage limitation.

I can understand that you are feeling helpless, but maybe offering advice down the grapevine might help.

Thank you so much for posting. DD and I are reading, and will keep discussing what we can do.

My DS friend is doing this too, he confided in DS , I asked Ds is anyone else knew and he is in counselling for it, DS asked why he did it and he said the pain he had from cutting himself was better than the pain he felt inside, he didn't say anymore as to what it was about, very sad. Around the same age too.

My DD was self harming 18 months ago, she was 16 at the time, It was obvious to me, though she said it was the dog scratching her, I kept a close eye on her, I kept finding bent paperclips and bloody toilet paper in her room. I kept asking her about the cuts and after a month I let her know that I knew what she was doing. She has stopped now, I did make an appointment with her GP, as she was over 16 she could go herself, which I believe was the right thing to do, I still don't know why she did it, maybe it was exams, growing up who knows, but the confidential talk did the trick. She has scars on her upper arms but they are fading now, but I do have a sneaky look every now and again, just in case. The worse thing is to ignore, let them know that you are aware, ask them to talk, they probaly won't, never shout and say you don't understand.

coat that's spot on. And I'm glad you've come up with the smoking analogy. I didn't want to minimise it when DD was doing it, but I did feel that it was an extreme response to norm teenage feelings. She also engaged with CAMHS, who were excellent, and also concluded there were no underlying causes for concern. Teenage girls today are taught that their emotions are to be valued and know a lot about different ways of acting out, but there's actually very little awareness of what's normal and ways of staying mentally well, stress avoidance, how to access support, etc.

Thank you for posting.

DD now has a plan. She will speak to their form tutor, firstly without giving names, and ask him if he will speak to friend B, as if he has noticed she seems sad (she does, according to DD). He is quite young, and the students seem to relate to him very well - DD told me about another situation he has helped to resolve for another girl in the class.

So, if either A or B don't go for the counselling, DD feels she has a way forward to help her friend, as do I.

I will definitely get her to mention the cleanliness aspect to A, to pass on - not something. I would've thought of.

it's a difficult call. My DD was a quiet, hard working, popular girl, and started self harming at 14. The school found out,kept it confidential, but didn't have the training to help her, and she attempted suicide, before I had any idea what was happening.

It's the depression which is more dangerous than the self harm, which can be for many reasons, but it can escalate quickly without help.

In clinics and units, you are asked not to show shock or panic around the actual self harming, as its the underlying problem which need to be dealt with. Self harm doesn't always lead to something more serious but it may need professional help to identify this.

Hygeine is important, and also suggestions of other ways to let the pain out, like snapping elastic bands on wrists, ripping up paper. http://www.siriusproject.org/alternatives.htm

However, in your position, after our awful experience, I would speak to the school, and explain that within your daughters class self harm/depression is possibly an issue and that the girl herself, and her friends need some support to handle this. Let them make the call about the parents as they will know them.

This is the age, parents dont realise is the most dangerous when teenage hormones have kicked in, and mental health issues present themselves. We wait for the cigarettes, alcohol, drugs dangers, and young teens have no idea why are thinking the way they do. My DD is now much better, and is campaigning for mental health education in years 7,8, to help sufferers and their friends.

Thank you so much mindful. I was just going to ask parents whose DC had self harmed if they would want an adult to act, even if it meant breaking a confidence.

Thank you for the link.

I did know that the self harm is a symptom of the main problem, and not the problem, its self. I will reiterate this to DD.

The girl (B) has told her friend (A) that she does it so she won't do anything worse.

My heart is just breaking for her. She's a lovely girl, fiercely intelligent, and very talented.

Just an update.

I rang the school, today. The teacher was very grateful for the "heads up" and promised to be discreet as far as DD is concerned.

In fact, she said she knew about it, but when I checked the name, it was actually another girl in the same class, so there are two in the same class. (Obviously, I don't know who the other one is - she didn't tell me a name, I told her.)

I feel so relieved. It really did sound like the school would be able to deal with this.

Thank you to everyone that has shared their experiences. I do wish all the best for your children, going through difficult times right now.

it sounds to me the right action and the school will have support in place and will have dealt with this before. It can be the case that there is a cluster(not in our case) but it means they can support the rest of the class too. thank you for taking the time to listen and notice what is happening with your daughters friends, creative, talented and fiercely intelligent is often a common thread in these sensitive girls.

I've just spoken to DD and she was very relieved that a) I had spoken to the school and b) the school had promised not to tell anyone it was her.

Another girl had actually noticed the cuts, and has also been very worried, so it was good that they were able to talk to each other. They have been really scared.

DD has sent the Sirius project link to friend A to pass on. It looks excellent.

Thank you once again, everyone who posted.