think I have just over reacted

(37 Posts)
dontwanttobefatandforty Sun 03-Mar-13 19:48:51

and dont know how to turn it around or even if I should.

Have discovered tonight DD 15 has had a friend this weekend pierce her ear when we told her no. We have been slowly coming round to allowing her to do these things, we let her have her belly button done a few weeks ago as this can be hidden but said no to visible ones just yet.

I have discovered she has been drinking to excess and smoking while drinking! (she saw my aunt die of lung cancer!)

I have insisted she take the piercing out, have grounded her, taken her monthly money off her and said I will put money direct onto card for school lunches now, said she cant go Wakestock with her friends in the summer (music festival) we were considering it.

I have told her its more the lying and deceit, I feel completely disrespected by her. But now Im wondering if I have overloaded the punishments or am I being too soft?

nickstmoritz Wed 06-Mar-13 11:18:13

Sympathies. I have 2 teenage dds. I agree with a bit of back tracking and in a quiet unstressed moment have a heart to heart. Apologise for freaking out with her but explain that you were shocked and felt disappointed. Talk to her about the things you are worried about and why. For me it would be not having any more unhygienic piercings and that she MUST be careful that she does not get into vulnerable situations when experimenting with alcohol. You would prefer her not to drink but if she does then be careful where and who with and how much. Hopefully your DD will not get into smoking but just wanted to try it. Expensive, smelly, addictive, you know the spiel.

I would suggest that she can go to the festival if she can build up your trust and be a bit more honest with you and make it clear that you really do not want her drinking alcohol yet. I would take her to get her ears pierced safely and choose some nice earrings together. You have then showed her you can compromise but do feel strongly about her safety and well being. If she is in GCSE year say that if she can put her head down and work hard for the next couple of terms you can agree a reward...you pay for festival/a gig/some spending money etc

ps don't feel too hard on yourself. I have filled up the punishment pot myself before with various groundings, removal of devices, no computer time etc When you feel really annoyed it is hard to be rational about it.

Could you get her to look at the piercing from another perspective - if she's going to be looking for a Saturday job in 12 months or less, what impact does she think a piercing at the top of her ear will have on prospective employers? ditto a belly ring and smoking? If she wants to work in customer service, she can't reek like fagash Lil.

I can understand your fury on the smoking thing though. I have never smoked because so many of my family have died of smoking related illnesses in their 40s. My DS is too young to smoke yet, but I suspect that by then, the threat of being sent to tell grandad he's smoking, when grandad lost his dad at 47, his brother at 47 with two children, one aged 5, and spent a year being the non-smoker who may or may not keel over at 47, would be enough to put him off.

Is there anyone else closer to her aunt who could help discourage her from smoking?

Still18atheart Wed 06-Mar-13 11:39:35

I'm confused is the ear piercing just the lobe or higher than that?

If it's the lobe then you are really overreacting.

As for the punishments I think your overreacting.
Who's paying for the festival you or your daughter, i.e been saving up for it or has she got a saturday job?

nickstmoritz Wed 06-Mar-13 11:41:52

FireOver Babylon I was going to suggest talking about part time jobs too but I do also feel that teenage years are about rebelling a bit and looking daft so a bit torn on that one.

GreatUncleEddie Wed 06-Mar-13 11:49:58

Is she's already drinking it's hardly likely she will go to Wakestock and not drink.

nickstmoritz I agree, it's the time to try green hair etc but its also the age when you tend not to think of the repercussions of your actions - that shoplifting as a dare with your mate can have an impact in jobs / university if you get caught, that you can't turn up for a job hungover etc.

ATJabberwocky Wed 06-Mar-13 11:51:08

I think to allow a BB piearcing and not an ear piercing is odd.

It seems pretty normal to have a kid drink and smoke at that age, although it's frustrating when they do

I'd backtrack, although I understand you feel disapointed, and explain why you reacted why you did

Give her opportunities to show she has listened and demonstrate she has improved her behaviour and earn back her privilages

I also agree with BettySuarez:

Dab it with TCP until it starts to sting

Still18atheart, the OP has said about the piercing:

"I allowed the belly button as that can be covered up, her ear [sic] is half way up her ear and could never be covered."

so I'm presuming it's a G or A in this picture.

neolara Wed 06-Mar-13 11:55:40

I'm a bit shocked that so many of you think the OP has over-reacted. Her response seemed perfectly reasonable to me. But then my eldest is only 8, so what do I know.

nickstmoritz Wed 06-Mar-13 12:19:50

neolara sorry but 8 is very different from 15 and what most people here are trying to say is that with a teenager you have to pick your battles and negotiate some very choppy waters.

MrsMushroom Wed 06-Mar-13 13:33:46

FireOver I still don't get how she'd allow a body piercing but not ears...as though people look at a 15 year old with earrings and JUDGE them or something as a "wild one" or a "Fast girl" grin it's a pair of earrings ffs not a facial tattoo!

MrsMushroom Wed 06-Mar-13 13:34:46

Fire that typo should be "Her hair is halfway up her ear"

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