Thought I was going to have a heart attack. Can't go on like this

(84 Posts)
Shagmundfreud Fri 08-Feb-13 20:34:29

Tonight 13 yr old dd got me up against a radiator, swearing and shouting and threatening me because I told her she couldn't go to a friend's house. In front of her friend. Pushed her face in my face saying 'You think you're hard, what are you going to do about this then? What? What?' And instead of getting myself away and shutting myself in the bathroom or something, I pushed her away, slapped at her and shouted 'don't you dare try to intimidate me in my own home'. Shoved her down the hallway towards her bedroom and pulled at her hair to get her to move backwards. She weighs 10 stone and is STRONG, and I thought I was going to have a heart attack.

I shouldn't have done it. sad

She then stormed out the house. I now know she went straight round to SIL's. DH has come back from work and is now round there to pick her up. I spent the first hour breathless and sobbing after she'd gone. Phoned parent line in between comforting my other two dc's (7 and 9). (they stuck their heads round the door and fired a nerf gun at me. I looked at the bullet and saw they'd stuck a note to it saying 'We are sorry for you' smilesad).

I can't go on like this. We have tried to put some basic rules in place (hand over phone at 10pm on a school night, do homework, get to school on time) and she just flouts them day in and day out. Tonight's conflict started last night. I went into her room at 9.30 last night to remind her that she needed to be in bed at 10pm, and I would be taking her phone. However, I then got caught up and ended up not going in to take her phone until 10.15. At which point she was sitting fully clothed, straightening her hair. I said she had to go to bed, and to give me her phone, at which point she looked at me and said rudely 'You'll have to wait - I need to message some people' and carried on doing her hair. My response to this was to point out that I'd come in at 9.30 to remind her and that if the phone wasn't in my hand in 1 minute she'd lose it for the next day. I walked off and eventually she came in to the sitting room and threw her phone at me, arguing with me all the time about how unreasonable I was etc. Then she came and took it back off the table and went back up to her room.

DH took the phone when he came back and told her she'd lost it for the day, which resulted in her shouting in the hallway at 7am this morning. Anyway, she came back from school at 4pm and asked for her phone. As she was being polite and had apologised I let her have it. Big mistake. As soon as she had it she asked if she could go over to a friend's this evening, and when I said 'no' the above happened.

I can't take the verbal bullying and aggression and physical intimidation. She WON'T take 'no' for an answer from me. She's defiant with DH but not nearly so much as she is to me, where it's her 'rule' to challenge everything I say, and ignore pretty much all instructions. Tonight I really thought I was going to fall to pieces - I realised I'm frightened of her, and that she knows it and is being deliberately abusive to me.

I wanted to ask if anyone here would recommend family therapy for a situation like this. Really something has gone badly wrong and I'm struggling to parent her. SIL phoned me and said she thought that DD must be being bullied at school or something, for her to be so angry and so confrontational with me. I'm not so sure. I've not seen any evidence of it. I feel that we have a terrible dynamic going on - that dd is having a tough adolescence and its manifesting itself in a total reluctance to grow up. She is constantly pushing the boundaries Can't get her to see that growing up involves more freedom AND taking more responsibility for herself, and she can't have the first if she outright refuses the second. She's so profoundly uncooperative with us - I really do think it goes beyond normal teen laziness and rebelliousness. Things are really unhappy at home, and I'm wondering how long we can go on with this daily conflict - the shouting, refusal to follow even the most simple and basic rules, the attacks on me, the contempt. sad

FannyFifer Fri 08-Feb-13 20:46:30

You poor thing, I have absolutely no idea what to suggest.
Just bumping this for you and hope others have advice.

Allicando Fri 08-Feb-13 20:46:51

Gosh I don't have any advice I'm sorry. It sounds like a really sad situation. It must be so worrying for you. Here's some thanks for now sad

TotallyBS Fri 08-Feb-13 21:01:11

If my DCs treated me in that manner I would have taken a hammer to her phone. Yet she still has her phone!

When you are 10 stone at 13 you are more likely to be the bully than than the victim. It sounds like she has added you to the list of people who she is going to take lunch money off.

Unless you treat her as you would a bully then it's not going to get any better.


It is you that has the power. You pay her phone bills, give her pocket money, cook for her etc yet it is her that intimidates you???

Take away her phone for week. No 'parole' even if she is nice or apologize. For the next offence make it two weeks.

mummyplonk Fri 08-Feb-13 21:02:02

Hope someone with good advice will be on soon, really feel for you OP, I was a horrible 13 yr old girl lying, sulking but think this is fairly normal and yet still hard to deal with as a parent without the verbal abuse and intimidation that you are experiencing. This phase will pass, you show what a good parent you are by looking at all solutions, keep your chin up.

thenightsky Fri 08-Feb-13 21:08:21

Been there with my DD too. I'm out the other side now thank God.

No way would she still have that phone if she was in this house. Any back chat and computer would be removed. Another good thing to remove is the hair straighteners - they feel that one!

I've ended up down to mattress on floor and door off too.

Shellywelly1973 Fri 08-Feb-13 21:09:57

Didn't want to read & run...

At least your admitting the problem. I would look into therapy /counselling/ mediation.

She's 13- its a horrendous age & you've got to take some control in this situation. Good that your dh is supportive, your both going to have to have find some way forward.

Take care.

MaryMotherOfCheeses Fri 08-Feb-13 21:14:54

"When you are 10 stone at 13 you are more likely to be the bully than than the victim."

Sorry no, that's simply not true and it's actually quite offensive.

OP, aside from that, my goodness, it does sound hard.

If your SIL does think there's bullying going on, does she have a good enough relationship with your daughter to chat to her about what's going on.

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac Fri 08-Feb-13 21:18:57

Oh shag sad, no advice, only hold the line, keep talking to her.
Really hope things even out for you all soon.

This all sounds like a horrible situation and I feel for you. If the confrontations between you have escalated to a physical level then I really hope there is some help and support out there for you both.

How awful for all of you sad - I really feel for your younger DCs, but also for you. And I'd imagine your DD cannot be happy with herself/the situation either.

I have no experience or wisdom to pass on, but am aware of parenting classes specifically for parents of teenagers - would it be worthwhile to try something like Positive Parenting??

[hugs]

timidviper Fri 08-Feb-13 21:23:17

I am no expert as my DCs were quite easy with hindsight but I have sympathy for what TotallyBS says. Teenagers will always try to push boundaries and you do have to police them hard sometimes. I think I would be stepping up the withdrawal of privileges until I saw better behaviour and, sadly, until you can re-establish control I fear you will not see that.

MuchBrighterNow Fri 08-Feb-13 21:25:34

sorry you are having such a hard time. ... there's lots of good advice on Maryz thread for dealing with hard headed teens.

CheerfulYank Fri 08-Feb-13 21:33:42

Oh honey. I don't have any good advice but I'm sure someone will. I do agree with taking her phone, though.

wine?

Oh gosh, yes, Maryz has seen it all. Here is her thread.

Shagmundfreud Fri 08-Feb-13 21:45:01

She's come back from DSIL and has phoned Childline.

She's told DH that I attacked her. I assume she's told Childline this too.

CheerfulYank Fri 08-Feb-13 21:55:06

Oh Shag. sad

Tortington Fri 08-Feb-13 21:58:28

i told my kids if they assaulted me i would phone the police

and i never ever cared about social services involvement.

my dd was about the same age and had a vile spew of shitness shouting at me, i walked past her calmly went to the kitchen, poured a glass of cold water , walked back in to living room and promptly chucked it in her face. then in very low calm tone said " don't ever talk to me like that" she was so shocked - it was priceless - i'll never forget that image of eyeliner running down her face.

they can be vile

sympathies

call the police if she attacks you - i mean she can do what she wants becuase there are no consequences - well life isn't like that as an adult - so you aren't doing her any favours

oh and remember, she wants your love and attention - i'm afraid mine comes with conditions

i am not a perfect human mummy - if i get treated like shit, i will withdraw my touchy feely, fun, smily side. and be simply functional.

Sorry but be it DH or one of the DCs assaulted me, well anyone at all, I would ring the police.

Everyone needs to understand that their actions have consequences and the consequence for physically attacking someone is a chat with mr plod.

Believe I work in Camhs and this will only escalate. No it in the bud now.

cjel Fri 08-Feb-13 22:09:50

This is horrid, a wise woman once said to me about my dd that she would wake up one day and remember how we brought her up and she did she is 30 now with dh and 2 dcs and I see her or speak to her every day,
Your dd is very unhappy either at home or outside and needs love, love love!! Trouble is now things are like this it is very hard. Do you spend any time on your own with her out of the house where you don't have to tell her off? is there any home time when you are not asking her to do something?Please don't think for one minute that I am underestimating your struggle, We had abortion at 14, runaway at 16 baby at 17 with ours. BUT as the parent it is our job to show love.

The best way forward in my view is talking. Can you text nice msgs(through gritted teeth) eg, what time you home want to do favourite meal/ any chance you could help me choose top in town sat.I also used to buy cards with lovely daughter verse on (she has admitted now that she used to get them out to read)
Also if its too hard then counselling with third party is great, once you find route of anger you can work on sorting it.
Sending you big hugs and a good nights sleep.

ledkr Fri 08-Feb-13 22:10:52

Yes go on maryz thread. I had three teenage boys op and wouldn't have my life back to relive it again. You do realise that you cocked up by giving her phone back undermining dh and showing her you are weak.
I'd also get tougher actually and if she assaults you call the police. She needs to get real.
Like custardo I was not having it and when ds 2 15and 6ft clenched his fists at me I bopped him on the nose and sent him to bed.
My eldest was not coming home on time so I locked him out. He slept in the garden (summer) he stole I sold his stuff. At one point I stripped his room back to just a bed and took the PC mouse and the sky card.
Plan your attack with dh and stick together on it no matter what.

cjel Fri 08-Feb-13 22:14:02

just read madams post above and as working in camhs would only see them when they get out of hand. I also have worked and volunteered in this field and if handled properly does no way need to escalate or get worse.

ledkr Fri 08-Feb-13 22:17:49

Op I am in social services and we know the difference between tell tales and genuine abuse.

CheerfulYank Fri 08-Feb-13 22:18:59

This just happened recently in my family...my little cousin (just turned 13) was screaming, spitting, swearing, and punching her mother. My uncle (her DF) hauled her off and shoved her into her room...she stumbled, smacked her eye on the doorknob and got a horrific bruise.

She told the nurse at school and CPS were called in...my uncle and aunt were honest about everything that happened and it got sorted in the end.

Yes they get worse because they attack their parents and the consequences are not comparable to the offence.

The kids who attack their patents and end up with panic buttons in their houses are the ones that didn't have to police visit them to make them understand the gravity if their actions.

It may surprise you but we actually get quite a lot of background information on these kids and it is that I am basing my opinion on.

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