My 14 yr old ds is gay .. He doesn't know I know

(78 Posts)
cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:21:17

We have 3 fabulous dc. Our eldest, just turned 14, has always been a quiet, sensitive boy but also very witty, clever etc.
Bullying was always a major concern for me because he wasn't your typical "lad". He had a few problems with minor bullying in primary so since then I've monitored things online. He always leaves himself logged into Facebook on my phone, has no problem with me knowing his password. Last night I clicked onto fb on my phone and saw it was his account, he had left himself logged in again. I could see loads of messages flying into his inbox, being read quickly only to be followed by loads more coming in.
I had a look (I know, private messages but have already explained why I monitor them), it seems he came out to some of his class mates yesterday.
I can't say I'm shocked, think I always had an inkling and to be honest I'm happy if he is. He seems to have felt this way for a while now so assume its not just curiosity or confusion.
My question is this, do I wait for him to tell me himself? He knows I look at Facebook, he didn't delete any of the messages from last night, do I gently tell him I saw them and myself and his father want him to know we are totally cool with it?
Thanks, sorry it's long but could really use some perspective.

almostanotherday Thu 28-Mar-13 23:21:38

How's things going now?

FellatioNels0n Tue 12-Feb-13 18:52:34

First of all I think it's fabulous that he has felt confident enough to come out to his school friends at such a young age. That never would have happened 20 years ago. I don't think it's a good idea to tell him you snooped, but I do think you should try to drop things into the conversation now and again, to steer the discussion in a direction that gives him ample opportunity to tell you without needing to work his way up to a big announcement.

johnnybear71 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:45:22

oh and remember, gay or not he's a boy and they don't do talking.....Personally I'd be "I know btw, its a good thing, I love you and whenever you're ready"...x

johnnybear71 Tue 12-Feb-13 18:40:41

"coming out" to friends is easier than telling family...tbh he knows you know and I would suggest that you just say you know and you're totally cool with it...that's all he needs to know for now. Once he knows you're happy with his sexuality I have no doubt he will want to talk to you, however you are his mum and do we really wan't to talk to our mums about that sort of thing? I'm gay and a single dad of 3 boys 17,19 and 20 and have a very open dialogue but I doubt they'd want to chat about that stuff.

https://www.facebook.com/ComingOutSupportPage?fref=ts

Maybe you could have a look at the above link. There is a lot of support these days and I wish you well....x

Greenkit Tue 05-Feb-13 04:30:53

I used to monitor my kids 'fb' or what ever group it was at the time, and then if I saw something would casually bring it up in coversation, in a 'what do you think of (insert subject) but not actually letting on that I had read anything. We had many an interesting conversation that way.

My DD is 16yrs now, after one of these converstaions she told me she was 'part time'gay, as she liked girls and boys, she was about 13yrs at the time. I have remained open about any subject she wishes to discuss with me.

I would just drop it into the conversation, just tell him how proud you are of him, and how wonderfully supportive his friends are, and of course how you love him no matter what x

mumsneedwine Mon 04-Feb-13 13:39:59

Think I might send a text saying 'I love you and am very proud of you.' He might think you've gone a bit mad if he doesn't think you know, but who doesn't love a random text with nice stuff in it.
If he doesn't say anything I'd just keep up the hugs and bit over the top love yous for a few weeks. If still no joy, I might send a text saying something like 'I know and I am the proudest mum in the world'. He might still ignore it but he will be in no doubt how you feel. And I think a cake sounds a good idea anyway !

SanityClause Sun 03-Feb-13 11:32:01

The trouble is, that's it embarrassing to talk about sex with your mother. I am 44, and I wouldn't like to do that!

I think he has found a way to tell you, and now wants you to take his lead. I think that is what your instinct is, as well.

Now, this instinct may be wrong, but the upshot of speaking to him will be that it's all out there in the open. You are fine with it, and can help him with any potential bullying specific to this aspect of his life. So, whatever his intentions, it can only be a good thing.

And if he is upset about the "invasion of privacy", you can clear the air about that, and take his lead on what level of privacy he wants from now on. Maybe he is still happy for you to check his Facebook page; maybe he now would prefer you didn't.

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 11:30:32

you could maybe email them when dd was 14 the best way we used to converse about stuff was text <rolls eyes> but whats just been said is make the noises about it even mention other gay people even on telly or something about how cool they are or brave for being who they are,

on a negative note and I dont want to scare you but do watch out for him joining gay websites for information and who he is talking to IYSWIM he is only 14 and with any teenagers they explore sexuality and hormones are all over the place, I dont mean to be negative or scare you

fantashtic Sun 03-Feb-13 11:29:38

I emailed one of my parents, at the grand old age of 25. Other friends have text, written letters and said it while a parent is driving (!)

It honestly sounds like you're being just lovely and supportive You know your boy and if there is some activity you do together regularly (cooking, walking) perhaps then would be a natural time to ask him if he's ok etc.

Good luck xx

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:28:49

Thank you wannabe! I'm so glad that my natural reaction is a positive one actually, I'm sure there are plenty of mums who would be devastated at knowing something like this and struggle to accept it.
I just feel if ds is happy then I'm happy, and there's no denying the positive effect that telling his friends has had.
Of course there will be less understanding family members to deal with but tbh at this stage I couldn't give a monkeys about their reaction.

WannabeWilloughby Sun 03-Feb-13 11:19:28

Cassie, you sound like a lovely mum.

I would leave it and wait for him to tell you, which I think will soon as you sound like u have a close relationship.

Maybe just make the right noises at home, so he knows you are cool with it.

Big up you though for being so fab x

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:18:13

Fantashtic, I'm using my phone and don't think I can pm from it?

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:17:08

Thanks ladies, it's a difficult one. I can barely control myself not to approach him when we're alone and my instincts are telling me to talk to him, particularly as he's so young. Typical teenage boy's lack of ability to communicate with his mum ( well not in the way I'd like) so a gentle opener might be the way to go.
The lady from the helpline said they often find it difficult to actually say the words so find different ways of doing it. Text, email, cakes! Maybe this is his way?

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 11:09:00

I wouldn't be suprised at all if he's thinking 'just ask me!'

probably this ^ ^ teens sometimes want us to just ask them, I have had this int he past with mine

fantashtic Sun 03-Feb-13 11:07:18

Cassie, I would ask/tell him you know. Only because, it's so hard to say those words out loud the first time (even if you expect an good response). being unsure whether you'll be rejected for what you are is crippling.

I think if you said something like 'name I'm sorry but a message popped in on your Facebook when I went to go on on my phone, about you coming out at school. you know, if you are gay, it's totally fine and I will always love you to bits.'

I wouldn't be suprised at all if he's thinking 'just ask me!'

You sound lovely and I wish some of my friends had such open and understanding parents. PM me if you like smile

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:07:03

I know.. Lovely to see. It makes me feel sorry for all the people I've heard about over this past week who have never come out to their families, people in their 30's still pretending... Must be horrendous for them

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 11:03:30

that is fab cassie he must be so relieved to be who he wants to be now smile

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 11:01:44

Yes it seems to be common enough for them to go to their friends first. I'm sure some of his friends have told their parents about him, I just hope they encourage their kids to tell him to come to me soon!

I won't leave it much longer though, if telling his friends has had such a positive effect on him then I know telling us will be a huge relief for him. I'm so incredibly proud of him and amazed at his bravery too. He was always a shrinking violet socially but he's like a new person this past week... New haircut, clothes etc.

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 10:53:52

He probably will when he is ready cassie my dds friend is gay his mum doesn't officially know yet well I dont think so he came out at school first .

on a positive note I think it is wonderful young people are confident enough to come out at such a young age,
My ex friends son came out as Bi sexual at the same age she was awful and biggoted about it we had words we havn't really spoken since.

you sound a lovely mum I would just keep talking to hihmh e will tell you when he is ready,

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 10:46:25

Yes I've been wondering too, I was just a bit worried though that he presumes I don't read his private messages. His fb page is the only "in" I have at the moment and would worry that he'd change his password and block me or something if he knew.

mrsjay Sun 03-Feb-13 10:38:13

I think that because he's practically invited you to look at his FB messages, by leaving them purposely open on your phone, that that's his way of telling you.

^ ^ this of course he wanted you to know bless him I would maybe mention it to him

cassie42 Sun 03-Feb-13 10:34:19

It's great to read about older children who are happily out and happy. I have seen such a change in my ds in this past week it's incredible! It's as if by telling his friends and getting such a supportive reaction has literally removed a weight from his shoulders.

I finally got to speak to a mother from the parents of gay children helpline. Her advice was pretty much the same as I've received on here, that it's very common for kids to come out to their friends first and to give him some time to come to us.

Somebody mentioned the story about the 15 year old who iced a cake for her parents with "I'm gay" and left it for them. It appeared on my Facebook page since and I shared it, ds is a friend on fb so he will see it, I hope it encourages him to open up.

I must say I'm very glad that I know, I have been able to process things and prepare a little so that when ds does come to me I won't be dealing with the initial feelings of worry I had.

DD1 has always be quite a private person and I think she needed years to get her own head round it herself. She told me later she didn't want to accept that she was gay because she wanted 'the norm', but the couple of (very nice and both oddly effeminate!) boyfriends she had, showed her that she simply liked girls.
In retrospect the fact her room was covered in posters of girls might have been a clue blush but it just didn't register with me.. or her sister with whom she is very close! I wish she could have told me earlier only because we could have supported her then!
She is now, finally, happy in her own skin. She is studying medicine at uni and thankfully has found everyone totally accepting .. there are an awful lot of gay people out theresmile She is very sure she wants children of her own and I'm sure will find a way too.
I do sometimes worry that life may be harder for her in some ways, having babies, perhaps socially at times, but I know she will find her way.
Incidentally her best friend is gay (male) and he still can't tell his family because they are very anti.. I find it so sad for him because he has to pretend to live a life that just isn't his.
I shall be waving my flag in the mother's parade at Gay Pride this year :D

cassie42 Thu 31-Jan-13 08:58:00

Thanks medusa, I feel the same. I don't have any negative feelings about it at all, apart from fear for the harder road he will find himself on. I'm glad I know before he told me, gives me time to process it and prepare myself for when he does. I do feel he is very young though to be dealing with this on his own and wish he'd confide in me.
I wonder would your dd have preferred you had found out earlier or do you think she needed those years without you knowing to come to terms herself?

My DD1 came out as lesbian about a year ago... she had known for certain since she was about 14 or 15 but she was actually nearly 20 when she told us.. she did it via her blog..sent me a link (she's at Uni)

Her brother, sister Dad and myself all simply sent her texts saying 'that's cool, love you ' 'now go find a beautiful girlfriend' (and in her brother's case ''oh bring some hit chicks home grin) and it was that casual! She was so anxious about telling us.. no idea why as we had always made it clear we absolutely didn't care about our childrens' orientation. We had no idea at all btw.. she had had a few boyfriends because she didn't want to be different, but in the end she had to be who she is!

We had a little chat about it when she next came home.. casually..and she now is in a relationship with a lovely girl and is truly happy. Her friends have all been totally cool about it and she is involved with a thriving LGBT society at uni.

I felt a little head spun at first just because I was surprised, but not in a negative way..more 'wow'!!

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