My 14 yr old ds is gay .. He doesn't know I know

(78 Posts)
cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:21:17

We have 3 fabulous dc. Our eldest, just turned 14, has always been a quiet, sensitive boy but also very witty, clever etc.
Bullying was always a major concern for me because he wasn't your typical "lad". He had a few problems with minor bullying in primary so since then I've monitored things online. He always leaves himself logged into Facebook on my phone, has no problem with me knowing his password. Last night I clicked onto fb on my phone and saw it was his account, he had left himself logged in again. I could see loads of messages flying into his inbox, being read quickly only to be followed by loads more coming in.
I had a look (I know, private messages but have already explained why I monitor them), it seems he came out to some of his class mates yesterday.
I can't say I'm shocked, think I always had an inkling and to be honest I'm happy if he is. He seems to have felt this way for a while now so assume its not just curiosity or confusion.
My question is this, do I wait for him to tell me himself? He knows I look at Facebook, he didn't delete any of the messages from last night, do I gently tell him I saw them and myself and his father want him to know we are totally cool with it?
Thanks, sorry it's long but could really use some perspective.

We were the college wierdos grin all into obscure music and European cinema - it did mean my mum kept asking me if I was gay too, whch got old v quickly (she wanted to be supportive bless).

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:11:26

Doubt I could wait a week let alone a couple of months for him to tell me! Lol

HormonalHousewife Tue 29-Jan-13 14:12:25

I dont know and its too late to find out now as mum is no longer with us. Like I say things were very different 20 years ago and his mum was from old school stock and these things were far harder to discuss back then.

Thats why my initial thoughts were to promote the loving nurturing environment which you obviously have.

In any case I dont think it will be long before he makes his move, especially with such a positive feedback from his peers. And you are ready and forewarned, so its all good smile

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:22:02

I know, I could hug all his friends for being so supportive to him. Thing is, when it goes viral and more kids start to find out I'd say he'll have to deal with much less sympathetic opinions.. He has only just turned 14 and I worry he won't have the tools to deal with it. That's why I want him to know I know, so he can come to me when things get tough.

showtunesgirl Tue 29-Jan-13 14:33:25

OP, you sound lovely. smile

Lostonthemoors Tue 29-Jan-13 14:36:24

I think you sound v nice too as does your son smile

We have a family friend who is still not out to his parents at 30 sad

ParsingFancy Tue 29-Jan-13 14:39:07

Why not talk as if you've always known?

"I saw you came out to your school friends yesterday. Are you pleased with how it went?"

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:46:59

Thank you so much for all the replies ladies, it's really helping.
Parsing, maybe you are right. Just suck it up and casually mention it. Are there any of you out there who've had similar experiences? Either in coming out or being the parent of a gay teenager?

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:49:33

That's do sad lost...sad

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:50:07

So sad, not do... Bloody phone lol

CMOTDibbler Tue 29-Jan-13 14:50:30

I think Parsings suggestion is great - he knew you'd see it, so treat it that way

Well whatever you do Cassie, it looks like you are going to continue to have a great, open and loving relationship with your boy - well done! Sounds like he has great friends and great parents - if only it were so for all GLTG kids.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 29-Jan-13 15:01:29

I wouldn't mention it yet.

He trusts you. He knows you monitor (or at least he knows you used to) his facebook page, but as you say, he might trust/hope/assume you wont read his personal messages. Just because he stayed signed into facebook, it doesn't mean he necessarily wanted you to read his messages.

I think, right now, he needs to trust you and I wouldn't be in any hurry, whatsoever, to risk damaging that.

I would just give him opportunities to 'come out' (ie talk about relevant things in the news/on the tv etc) and remind him often that you love him and hope that he always feel he can talk to you about anything - whether that's about school, future, career, peer pressure, sex or anything and that you are there to help him make decisions or deal with the consequences of the decisions they have made, not to judge them.

Be very obvious 'gay friendly/supportive' - but not tooooo obvious smile

He sounds like a lovely lad with great friends, try not to worry too much - he'll tell you when he's ready smile

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 15:05:57

Thank you Paula, that's lovely. It's day one on a very different path to the one we expected to be on. I fear for him so much but at the same time have immense pride for him. I think I probably need to talk to him sooner rather than later, even if i don't directly ask him the question I need to open the subject up for discussion soon. I'll keep you all posted as to how it goes but, of course , if any of you have further thoughts on this please let me know. It's my first post on here in a very long time, I'm so glad I did now xx

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 15:07:53

Thanks myhead,

That was what was stopping me... The trust issue. It would be horrendous if he got upset, stopped communicating etc.

beachyhead Tue 29-Jan-13 15:40:28

Do you know any of his friends parents so you could have inadvertently have heard there? Then you can avoid the reading messages issue?

MrsFionaCharming Tue 29-Jan-13 15:54:48

I waited 6 months after getting my first girlfriend before I came out to my parents. They said that they'd kind of guessed, and I do wish they'd just asked, so I didn't have all the build up of worrying about the right way to tell them.

(Amusing story: I saw online someone made a cake and iced it with 'I'm gay' and left it for their parents to find. Turns out the parents were completely cool with it, so they ate all the cake and chatted about it. Maybe you could do the reveres and ice it with 'I'm fine with you being gay')

monstermissy Tue 29-Jan-13 16:05:32

My ds came out at 14, he sent me a fb message as he said he didn't think he could make the words come out. He told his friends and anyone else that asked he was always truthful.

He's 16 now and he's been fine, I think because he's very out and proud no one really bothers him. He is head boy too so is happy to put himself out there, he dosent hide in corners etc. He has some great friends too that I know have been a great support. I'm very very proud of the way he's dealt with it. He did say he was going to wait till college to come out but he said it became a secret burden he didn't want to keep carrying around.

We always knew just had to wait for him to figure it out in his time. I would wait till he comes to you. Pm if you want to chat anything through smile

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 16:06:52

Awww gribbet, that is a fantastic story. Thanks do much for your advice, I really hate the thoughts of him worrying about telling us too.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 16:09:46

Monster what a wonderful outcome for you. Just out in the car at the moment but I will pm you later if that's ok? Thanks

monstermissy Tue 29-Jan-13 16:13:12

Of course smile

Just asked my ds what he thought and he said to let him come to you. It's a big moment and it needs to be in his own time. Assuming he will know that the likely hood is you will be fine. Leave him be. (Disclaimer that's just his opinion everyone is different)

Speak to you later

If you were him, now would you want your mum to react?
You sound lovely as does he btw

Sorry to post twice.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 19:54:54

Monster, thank you so much for that. It is invaluable to get your ds's opinion. I have shown this thread to my DH and he is also so grateful for all the replies and advice given. I'm on my phone and can't seem to be able to pm from it? I am trying to get a quiet moment to call the helpline number, it's for parents of lgtb kids , and will talk it through with them too but we both feel your ds's advice to give him time to tell us himself is the way we'll go for now. I intend to subtly drop the subject into conversation now and again, let him know where I stand on the subject and just hope he can open up soon. (disclaimer noted lol) thanks again.

Frostyfoxy Tue 29-Jan-13 20:24:25

My friend, Richard Harris, has written a book called "closets are for clothes" it might help in the days, weeks, months to come perhaps.

Sounds like he has a good friend base around him and a suuportive family too though which will help him a lot! smile

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