My 14 yr old ds is gay .. He doesn't know I know

(78 Posts)
cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:21:17

We have 3 fabulous dc. Our eldest, just turned 14, has always been a quiet, sensitive boy but also very witty, clever etc.
Bullying was always a major concern for me because he wasn't your typical "lad". He had a few problems with minor bullying in primary so since then I've monitored things online. He always leaves himself logged into Facebook on my phone, has no problem with me knowing his password. Last night I clicked onto fb on my phone and saw it was his account, he had left himself logged in again. I could see loads of messages flying into his inbox, being read quickly only to be followed by loads more coming in.
I had a look (I know, private messages but have already explained why I monitor them), it seems he came out to some of his class mates yesterday.
I can't say I'm shocked, think I always had an inkling and to be honest I'm happy if he is. He seems to have felt this way for a while now so assume its not just curiosity or confusion.
My question is this, do I wait for him to tell me himself? He knows I look at Facebook, he didn't delete any of the messages from last night, do I gently tell him I saw them and myself and his father want him to know we are totally cool with it?
Thanks, sorry it's long but could really use some perspective.

mumblechum1 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:24:15

I think that because he's practically invited you to look at his FB messages, by leaving them purposely open on your phone, that that's his way of telling you.

Maybe leave it a few days to say if he says anything directly to you, but if not, maybe just have a casual chat to say what you said in your OP.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:29:18

Thanks mumble, I have the same feeling. I drove him to school this morning and half expected him to say something, I'm desperate to reassure him that he needn't be worried about telling us. It's really hard to carry on as normal with him knowing what I know tbh.

snowmummy Tue 29-Jan-13 13:33:20

I agree with mumble. This is his way of opening up a conversation with you about it so, yes, I think you should now talk to him.

Suesue22 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:35:38

I think he might have done it in purpose to let you know without saying it to you. Otherwise he would have deleted them. I would casually bring it up that you read some of his messages and tell him your ready to chat when he is. He's probably trying to see your reaction and will be relieved that you are ok with him.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:37:56

I think he's quite trusting of me too though, he may not think I would go as far as reading his private messages. I should probably put this on the LGTB thread but there doesn't seem to be much activity on it and was desperate for advice.
He seems to have felt this way for a while, told other kids where we used to live etc. so maybe he's just not ready for us to know and I will make it worse by pushing him into telling me! So bloody confused!!

NatashaBee Tue 29-Jan-13 13:39:48

I agree with mumble, he probably wanted you to know but didn't know how to start the conversation. You've told him outright that you monitor his messages, I doubt he will be surprised at all. Hopefully all the messages he received are supportive ones.

HormonalHousewife Tue 29-Jan-13 13:41:16

I'm not so sure... he might not assume you will read them.

If it were me, I would just keep presenting the opportunity for him to open up. Random hugs and I love you's might be the starting point.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:42:38

Thanks for all the replies.. Natasha I was blown away with the messages and chats he was having with his friends... So
Mature and caring, really supportive. Can't believe how much things have changed since I was 14!

a friend of mine left a note for his parents to come out to them, while he went to a music festival with us for the weekend. he was 14 or 15 so I think it was a deliberate move by your son to tell you this way via the phone. You sound relaxed aout it so just be cool about not majing a big deal and I think he (and you ) will be fine. smile

sorry about the typos blush

FarelyKnuts Tue 29-Jan-13 13:45:34

Tell him you saw the messages, that you support and love him and feel glad he has great friends who love him as much as you do no matter what.

chicaguapa Tue 29-Jan-13 13:48:04

Maybe, rather than having the conversation about it, you can just act from now on as though you know. Then it doesn't have to be a big deal. Just behave as though you would normally wrt girlfriends, but using the masculine pronoun.

I have always wondered why gay men/ women have to 'come out' whereas as heterosexual ones don't have to tell the world that they fancy the opposite sex.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:48:17

Hormonal... I thought that too. I'm anxious for him to know I know but at the same time I don't want him sitting down on me.
Bigmouth ... Did you know for a while about your friend before he told his parents? Maybe that is the norm, they like to tell friends first and then tell family later.
I've tried ringing a parents helpline but they only open for 3 hours from 6.30!

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:49:51

Shutting down on me... Sorry

If you were him, now would you want your mum to react?
You sound lovely as does he btw

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:54:29

I think it's still a necessity to "come out" because his school friends are starting to date girls, there's a lot of talk about who he wants to "meet" at parties etc. I guess he just got tired of making excuses as to why he isn't interested in any girls in the class.

HormonalHousewife Tue 29-Jan-13 13:55:57

Long time ago but my friend came out when he was 21 over 20 years ago (and thankfully things look like they have advanced in those years)

It was a big thing for him to build up and say out loud (no FB or mobiles in those days grin ) but we all replied 'come on Stu did you not think we had guessed ??'

He said the conversation with his mum was the hardest to start but even she said she knew and was just waiting for him to say something.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:56:44

Thank you trucks, he's a fantastic kid.
I've asked myself the same question, I'm really not sure! I think I would be mortified to know she had read my diary for instance, even if she reassured me that all my weird teenage thoughts were ok!

We knew or suspected, slightly before he told us, we were a liberal bunch and approx 50% of my friends 'came out' as Gay or Lesbian between ages of 14 and 18. It was more comfortable for him to relax and be himself once people knew and in that sense coming out is useful though awkward for the person having to do it. That's why being laid back about it is important, no coming out parties!

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:03:26

Hormonal, I wonder if he wished she had asked him then rather than wait for him to tell her? I'd hate to think that telling me would be causing my ds anxiety or fear.

fubbsy Tue 29-Jan-13 14:04:20

Gay people need to come out because otherwise most (straight) people just assume you are straight.

IME it's quite normal for friends and siblings to be told before parents. At 14 I would have been dead embarassed if my mum had sat me down for a big talk. I would have preferred the indirect approach.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:07:08

Wow bigmouth, that must have been a great group of friends to have for those people. Amazingly(or maybe not) one of the messages to my son last night was from a guy in his class telling him he was bi but didn't know what to do!

sorry to answer your we were told b4 he left his note for his parents but only a couple of months before . This was over 20 years ago now so memory a bit hazy.

cassie42 Tue 29-Jan-13 14:09:51

I agree fubsy, people assume you're straight unless you tell them otherwise I suppose. He was in great form this morning, bright as a button heading into school. He must be very relieved that his friends know, I just want him to be relieved that I know now!

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