Mumsnet Talk

Yes, I agree with that cory. I know ds would be different if he didn't have Asperger's, but I would put up with a little bit of difference if I could make him "normally" happy, iyswim.

Unfortunately we (and they) have to play the hand we are dealt.

Do you think she will improve joint-wise as she gets older? Because there is a lot of evidence the mh issues tend to even out when they grow out of the hormonal stage (though it can be later for kids with mh issues than for others), so hopefully a lot of the depression/anxiety will ease as she hits 18 or so - you just have to tread water until then .

I would be happy if dd was normal in the sense of without mental health problems. I can even see that she could conceivably keep the same personality, the same essential her, just without the crippling anxiety and depression. In the same way as I don't think her personality would be spoiled in any way if her joint disorder could be cured.

But wishing for this isn't going to magically make it happen. The joint problems are genetically determined and there is good evidence to suggest that the same gene may be causing at least some of her mh issues.

Cory that's a good point.

I have no wish to be normal, which to me equates to dull and boring. I'm quite happy with DD being fiesty, and opinionated, and too tall, and lazy at times, and beautiful, and untidy, and kind in ways that shock me. She is just HERSELF.

I assume even the OP would see the absurdity in a thread headed All Adults Are Normal People or All Humans Are Normal People.

Even s/he would realise instantly that no, they are not: some are psychopaths, some are severely disturbed, some are mentally ill, some are quite simply deeply unpleasant.

So what does s/he think is different about teens? Are they not real people, but some kind of Build A Bear that you can stuff and dress into whatever character you want?

What's with all the unwanted advice on this topic all of a sudden?

Whichever would work best! Maybe both!

Is the for them or us??!

Is the secret lots of ?

What's your agenda then? Surely you can't think gliding gracefully on here telling us that we are all parenting wrongly will go unchallenged?

Yeah Chris, fess up.
Is this pyramid selling?

Sorry but not me..

Yeah Chris, fess up.
Is this pyramid selling?

Yeh ... what's the secret OP ?

Lolololololol

still waiting for the mysterious secret- heaven knows we could do with it around here

"DD1 doesn't push boundaries it's not her style. She's far too bright"

My dd pushes boundaries big time. Is it because she's thick or summat?

How nice that things are so nice for you, Startail.

I too expected things to be nice too and dc to be sensible and relaxed, because dh and I are such sensible relaxed people. Dd is just out of hospital after her second suicide attempt in six months.

She has no problems at school, we have never had a serious disagreement since she entered puberty, she is respectful of authority and pleasantly behaved and gets on with everybody around her and has a great sense of humour.

But a combination of mental health problems and painful physical health problems means she has sudden moments when she feels she cannot carry on. It only takes a second...

This could happen to any one of you.

You can be the best parent on earth- THERE ARE NO BLOODY GUARANTEES!

And even then she had the sense not to fall, not to break things and not to run into roads.

I love the idea of toddlers on steroids.

Now if DD1 was a hyper version of herself at 2 I would want to swap.

She climbed everything, fiddled with everything and ran off if not on reins.

Believe me the teen version is a 1000x more relaxing.

DD1 doesn't push boundaries it's not her style. She's far too bright. Knows she gets far further by working with people than being rebellious.

She was born with a grown up head on her shoulders. Doesn't always go down well with children her own age as she can't be arsed to fit in. She's a quirky dyslexic, to fit in she'd have to consciously try and be someone she's not. I think she bothered for a week at preschool.

DD2 likes the world to revolve around her, but she also likes to feel safe and loved.

She does like to fit in with the outside world, but she likes to come home and chill too.

She'll kick boundaries, I'm sure, but we live in the middle of no where so she's pretty stuck.

Yes she could decide to get in trouble at school, but she just wouldn't.

She's as law abiding and as respecting of authority as her dad. She might kick off at home, but never ever in public she'd be mortally embarrassed. Also she has to get better marks than her sister

Seriously the only cheeky rebellious on here is me and I'd grown out the worst of by 11.

Like DD1 I knew my parents would be on my side and give me a fair degree of freedom as long as I wasn't stupid.

(And yes my DDad would have come down like a ton of bricks if I hadn't).

Haha that's my new mantra Flow4! Thank you MuchBrighterNow. Cory I agree, I actually meant the situations are on steroids, gone are the days when bad behaviour was dealt with by time out on the naughty step etc. The everyday power struggles that happen in the teenage years are an absolute nightmare.

Startail you don't believe in rewiring brains, have you ever heard of cognitive behavioural therapy?.

Does this "they are nice if you expect them to be nice" work with other age groups too? Adults? Geriatrics? Will Auntie Muriel or Uncle Bill or the controlling parents on the Stately Homes threads suddenly turn into nice people if you just expect them too?

What a little Pollyanna you are to be sure, OP.

I don't think my 16yo is a toddler on steroids, but she's not a lump of clay in my hands either. She has a personality and a life of her own, she has experiences I cannot control, she has her own responses to them, which again I cannot control.

As it so happens, she is a nice person. But she is not a happy person, and I cannot turn her into a happy person however much I try. Not everybody is a nice person at 16, any more than everybody is a nice person at 35 or 69.

spot on bootsy and very eloquent !

flow

All you need to know to survive the teenage years, in 8 very special seconds of video.

Startail are you seriously saying that you expect your teenagers to be nice therefore they are?. Your either into some funky voodoo shit or living in DENIAL!. The only things I can agree with is the fact that teenagers aren't aliens, I can't agree with your teenagers being lovely because I don't know them. Most parents expect their children to be lovely if they've put the effort in raising them. Most parents think their children are lovely (even if grudgingly admitted under severe interrogation), we as parents after all love them unconditionally (*disclaimer this clause does not apply to the toxic parent).

Teenagers are like toddlers on steroids, all the pushing boundaries power, double the strength. You don't wake up one morning mature, responsible and adult it's a hormone drenched struggle for the teenager and a right pain in the arse for anyone else caught in the battlefield.

If you choose to live in the land of sunshine and lollipops where teenagers seldom disagree and cut out the middleman by taking our advice and learning from our mistakes then good for you. In my world toddlers are not to be negotiated with, teenagers however like to think that their needs and wants have been taken into consideration before a level of compromise has been agreed. They need to feel that however small a victory they have indeed achieved a better deal than the first offer. For their part in this bizarre dance they play the perfect well adjusted young adult card to perfection (this works best on gullible types) which isn't rocket science it's just a clever manipulation technique used to lull the gullible parent into the land of rainbows and unicorns, the ultimate smokescreen to draw away attention from what's going on behind the scenes.

That's my theory anyway.......

I have 26. They vary.like people of other ages.