PLEASE HELP, my teenagers refuse to come home & my mother refuses to bring them home.(20 Posts)
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My mother refuses to send my two teenagers home (aged 13 & 14) after I agreed to an informal arrangement where they stayed with my mum & Dad for two weeks while I was in hospital.
This was on the condition that my son came to our home on a daily basis to feed his cat. She has made various cruel unfounded accusations against me & arrived at my home today to inform me that my children won't be coming home because "they are uncomfortable in their own home & my son (aged 14) heard me making love to my partner & talking about babies"
During the two weeks that they were with her, she has split them up, sending my son to stay elsewhere, my son hasn't been once to feed his cat, none of their school books or my daughters medications have been collected and she has broken a court order & taken my son to meet his father.
Any ideas please???
Phone your mother and tell her to send the kids home. Phone the kids and tell them to come home. Tell them if they are not home by midnight you are calling the police.
Rehome the cat (who has been feeding it?)
Phone the police.
(oh and don't have loud sex with teens in the house - its embarrassing)
Indigo this sounds incredibly stressful. I feel for you.
It doesn't make sense. I feel like there must be some 'back story', and without it, I don't know what to advise... I have so many questions...
Why would your mother behave like this? Do you believe her reasons, or is there something else in her head, and are these just excuses? Is she deliberately undermining you? Why does she not trust you with your own children? Does she have mental health issues? Do you? Why have your children not been seeing their father? What is the court order? Does your partner live with you? Is there anything about him/your mother's relationship with him that could be affecting her actions? Where did she send your son? Is he back with her now? If not, do you know he is safe? If so, are both your children safe with your mother? Have they been going to school? If not, what have the school been told, and could they have involved social services already? Will your daughter be ill because she has not had her medication? Are you recovered from your hospital stay now? Have you spoken to either of your children in the past two weeks? If so, when, and how did they sound/what did they say?
I'm sorry. Of course you don't have to answer any of these just because I'm asking.
The straightforward, obvious response would be for you to call the police and social services now... But would you not have done that already? I can't help wondering whether there are complications and history here...
I told her to bring them home & she refused saying that she couldn't do that because she'd promised them, I told the kids to get home & when they refused my mother said I had to leave as it was obvious "they're not coming home & you're upsetting your father" I've told her that I am not agreeing to them staying there & will be having them removed by the police. She said, "you can't do that." As she won't let me near my kids, but hasn't acted on any of her claims, I suspect she's out for monetary gain & is trying to bully or scare me into submission. I've messaged my son & apologised for the embarrassment . My partner was feeding the cat, when he checked on my house every night. I've already borrowed a cat box to rehouse the poor thing.
Have you called the police?
Why don't the DC want to come home?
flow4 Your reaction was exactly the same as mine. It doesn't make sense, and I told her so, even explaining to her how I found it strange how all of my cousins constantly complain about their children & her response is always "aww, don't be upset sweetheart, we all go through it, it happens to us all, if you need a break you know where I am", yet when my two teens act out (as teens do), her response has been to keep them from me, turn up on my doorstep (first time with a witness) & without asking anything scream at me that I'm an obviously despressed mother in need of social service input. She repeatedly denied saying this to me until her witness told her that she had. She claims that "something VERY seriously wrong is going on in my home" but won't say what exactly & I've had no visits from social services. The school have told her that they believe that the kids are being teens and at most some mediation with me in school (away from her) will sort the problem out. She is deliberately undermining me, she always has, the school are aware of this. She is not a nice person, very manipulative, and vindictive. Whatever reasons (excuses) she has come with for not trusting me with my own children, the social services have told her they are not interested, & that 13 & 14 year olds will refuse to go home.
I have no mental health issues (my GP can confirm this. I have taken antidepressants twice in my life, once when I was 15 & living with her & once when in an abusive marriage to my childrens father). She on the other hand is on antidepressants.
The kids don't see their father because after 6 years of court cases, CAFCASS reports, etc, they issued a court order stating no contact until the children are 16, even though I asked if supervised contact could be considered. He was poking them in the head, every other weekend on the one day he saw them, leaving them with relatives & swanning off to to austrailia for 6 months, etc without informing me. It was deemed he had a vendetta against me, stalking me, threats to kill me & previous partner who ended up hanging himself to which my mother has said to me in front my children "no wonder * hung himself, having to put up with you" When I went to my mother with my 2 kids with bruises and fingernail marks around my neck from where the childrens father tried to kill me & throw me backwards over the bannister, she stated "well, don't think you're moving back in here" & shut the door in my face, so the police took me to a refuge.
My partner doesn't live with me & I've purposefully not introduced her to him, because the only relationship I have with her is the fact she is the children's grandmother. He has just bought a house and we were planning on becoming a family together there, so we would be moving. I suspect my kids are seeing me really happy and may see my partner as a threat & have told their Nan, we're moving & my mother thinks I may take her Grandchildren away so is giving them anything they want and doing anything they say in a bid to carry favour with them.
She sent my son to her sister-in-laws (who is childless), and although I am confident that he is safe with her, I do feel he will 'play' on her to get sympathy. He has been attending school, but has been boasting on facebook at doing homework during lunchtime.
I don't believe they are safe with my Mother because she is a full time care for my father who has many health problems, including severe parkinsons. I thought they had they own beds, but have found that apparently my brother who claims to be homeless but on full benefits is sleeping in the spare room, whilst my daughter is sleeping in a double bed with her Nan & 5 year old niece (who I've found out my mum cares for overnight for at least three nights a week, free of charge).
My daughter has asthma and eczema, & has only recently had a week off because she was refusing to take her inhalers & got a huge viral infection so I took a week off work. If she doesn't put her cream on, her ezcema becomes infected. This is mainly what my daughter is complaining about to her Grandmother, that I'm nagging at her "ALL THE TIME", "IT'S NOT NORMAL TO NOT BE ALLOWED FOOD & DRINK IN THE LIVING ROOM", "NOTHING I DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH" (as in half washed dishes, bins not taken out when she's agreed to do it, not coming home on time from school, or for meal times, you get the drift of where I'm going with this)
I've told both the kids that I love them, telling my daughter that I understand being a teen can be very confusing & if she wants to talk to me, she knows were I am, and have told my son I'm sorry he overheard me & my partner, that I understand his embarrassment, that I overheard his Nan & Grandad lots of times when I was younger, that I'm happy for him, that he's seeing his Dad again & hope they both stick at it, and that I both want & love them very much.
Ive spoken to the police tonight, they said the parent is always the bad guy as I'm the disciplinarian, and get accused of all kinds, that kids 'play' the grandparents, and that grandparents over react. They can go & get them if I report them as absconding and will tell them that if they don't like it at home then go into care, & when you're sleeping in piss-stained mattresses, & you have no playstation, no xbox, no tv, or dvd player & no pocket money or phone credit, you'll think 'shit' - I really had it good at home. Howeverm they have advised me to phone social services in the morning instead, LOL
The police have said to sell all the kids stuff while they're not here, get rid of the cat, & have a holiday with the proceeds. When they've got bored of leeching off their Grandparents & come back, give the brats a book as entertainment, when they've finished with it, give them another, until they show appreciation and respect for me & I restore the fear of punishment. hahahahahahaha
The police said that?
I really don't know what to suggest, Indigo. Your mother's behaviour sounds utterly outrageous. Your struggles with your kids sound perfectly normal.
Phone social services and see what they say.
And I personally think you should ask the police to go and get your kids. But you do know that the 'advice' you were given last night is dreadful, don't you? Unrealistic, cruel, vindictive, immature, unhelpful, probably actually abusive and harmful... You need to find a different officer to talk to, who will treat your situation seriously, not like it's an episode in some fantasy soap.
I don't believe the police said that at all
flow4 I think he was trying to cheer me up tbh, & give me examples of other situations. The advice that I did take seriously from him was that as the legal guardian I should phone the emergency social worker for support who will arrange for the police to remove them if they're at risk.
Unfortunately my Dad married a narcissist who thrives on drama & who has exploited many situations with many family members throughout the years for her own gain. One of her younger sisters had contacted me & warned me to be careful because my mother had been complaining to her that she had no money prior to the informal arrangement that they came up with (I didn't want them there).
My main upset is that I didn't want my kids near her but was somehow persuaded that it's the children's right. I feel she's taken advantage of a situation to ride rough-shod over me.
What I'm upset at is the grey area whereby if they're not deemed to be 'at risk' by their standards and classed as safe, they'll be left there which just feels so so wrong to me & I feel what's the point of having 'parental control' when the only time it seems to mean anything is when the kids go off the rails because she won't care as long as the money's coming in then at 16 she'll kick them out for me to fix, labeling them as 'my problem'. (she kicked me out at 16 until I got a job then she persuaded me to go back only to demand that I pay my brothers keep on top of mine then made me give her money to buy a car which she then presented to me in front of all her work colleagues, telling them she'd bought it for me for my 17th). I left at 18 to follow a career in nursing.
I feel my kids (especially my daughter) are 'at risk' of being emotionally manipulated & scarred from her apparent love for them, but because of their teen behaviour they can't see it & any attempts by me will be seen as being petty & trying to destroy her relationship with their GrandMother. I am adamant that I find it very wrong that she thinks it's fine for my daughter not to take her inhaled steroids (which where recently increased and shouldn't just be stopped) or apply cream to her eczema twice daily but is encouraging her to draw up and inject her nan with insulin, claiming that she's supporting her grand daughter in her goal to be a nurse but then telling the benefits agency that her arthritis is so bad that her grand daughter has to do her insulin. My response was to insist she get a district nurse in to do it, my mother told me to 'shut up'. I feel totally powerless over this.
The day my partner hung himself, I found him, cut him down, resuscitated him and then stayed with him when the Dr's switched the life support machine off. I left the intensive care unit, went to my Mum's & she said, "there's your kids, get on with it", and I have without any help from her at all. Now it seems that my own business is taking off, I've found happiness again with somebody new, etc, etc, I've suddenly become fair game for her again.
I know it may sound as if I'm coming across as an embittered daughter but even when she tried to claim for disability allowance, she was took to court & proved to be 'quite obviously a liar and extreme exaggerater'.
AnyFuckerForAMincePie & starfishmummy He was just trying to cheer me up, and stop me crying. I know him through work, I've put the LOL's to show it wasn't serious advice and that I didn't take it seriously. I apologise to you both and anybody else for any offense and will delete.
His official advice as a police officer was the parent is always the bad guy as I'm the disciplinarian, and get accused of all kinds, that kids often 'play' the grandparents, and that grandparents tend to over react & be over protective. They can go & get them if I report them as absconding or I state that they are not safe, otherwise as their legal guardian it would be better to contact social services.
Indigo, this all sounds really incredible. If things really are as you describe, phone social services NOW. I think you should have done it already.
Tell them your mother has taken your children without your consent, and that you want them back. Tell them about your concerns. Tell them about the medication that's not taken, and your DS being shipped off to another relative, and the bed-sharing, and your DD being used to inject insulin, and your concerns about your mother's mental health, including her narcissism (if it is diagnosed) and the DA tribunal finding.
They should take action promptly. If they don't, keep 'phoning them, and the police.
Bear in mind SS can't/won't make your children come home if they don't want to, but they can/will do an assessment of their needs, and remove them from your mother is they judge that things there are really as bad as you describe.
"They [the police] can go & get them if I report them as absconding or I state that they are not safe" << DO THIS. I don't understand why you have not done it already.
Why did you send your children to stay with your mother?
Given that all you say is true, and why wouldn't it be?, then it indicates a serious lack of judgement on your part to send your children to stay with her.
And I am sorry but a text to a child "Sorry you heard me having sex" does not cut it. It again indicates a serious failure to realise the impact of your behaviour on your young children.
Either call the police and report them as absconding and get them brought home.
Your mother sounds like a poisonous witch, get your kids out of there today.
I've contacted Social Services and they have said this, "your mum has effectively kidnapped your children, her reasons for not returning them are ridiculous including the (very regretable) overheard sex part and the police are returning them to me.
Good - I am very glad to hear it!
for everybody's comments.
Oh that's good, Indigo
And don't let yourself be tooooo guilty about the sex noises. OK, so no 14yo boy likes to imagine his mum having sex, let alone hear her; but you are allowed you know... It isn't a crime or a sin for you to enjoy sex, just a bit of an embarrassment for your DS - but he'll live!