My god teenagers can be so scarey!(16 Posts)
These games can really consume their every waking moment if allowed to, try and limit this for their own good.
To all of you with boys and the difficulty of getting them off the computer. My ds (now 28) was like this as a teen. The computer games that they play REALLY suck them in, I really believe it's another form of addiction.
I read somewhere that children without boundaries feel unloved as they interpret this as though nobody cares.
I don't know how true that is, but it is certainly something I kept in mind as my DSs went through the more trying teenage years.
Whenever I heard the words "It's not fair" I would ask them whether they would prefer it if I didn't care. Alright, they may have only grunted as a response - but they never said "yes".
My DS2 was in full flow the other night, and argument about parental controls on the computer, he was stood over me screaming with rage (he couldnt access a game he wanted, and then the computer shut down as he'd reached the set shut down time). I was sat in the chair saying in a relativly calm voice albeit through gritted teeth, that I was not going to remove them, go up and have your shower etc. DH (who has AS) came in and said "You are not "doing" anything, just letting him scream and swear at you, get him under control!" Well, as you can imagine, this did not go down well with either, as I now had 2 males shouting at me, so at that piont I dissolved into frustrated tears and said "well YOU deal with him then, I,m going down the pub!" and walked out. I came back an hour later to an apologetic, son, and an even more apologetic, sheepish DH.
Nope. I never really cracked that one. Paying him to go to school (£2/day) worked for quite a while, but when he went to college last year, it stopped working. We had a couple of major incidents when I tried to get him out of bed, and he lost control, and I ended up having to call 999... Then I decided I wouldn't try any more
Thanks for the quick replies, I am on BT and will definitely do the access control thing. Anyone got any ideas how to get him out of bed in the morning. Thats my next dilema! LOL...
Are you with BT broadband lorra? If so, you can control the internet access hours on every computer/mob/playstation in your house (individually, with different times on each if you like) by using the BT Access Control on this page: bthomehub.home/. I guess other providers will probably have something similar.
You can discuss or lay down rules, deciding when DS can be online, and then set the controls so it just automatically switches off at that time. You don't have to get him off - you can just tell him it will automatically switch off at whatever time. He'll moan and probably shout at first, but you don't have to engage at all. I find it takes the heat out of arguments.
lorra this sounds like his teenage hormones kicked in overnight, like the jekyll and hyde thing! As for the computer, perhaps you can pick a calm moment (if there ever is one) to discuss with him when and for how long he can use the computer, then you both know the boundaries.
Same problem with my 14 yr old ds, I dont know what has happened to him in the last 6 months, from being a lovely lad and me thinking how lucky I was, he has changed into a nasty selfish brat,who wants to spend all his time on the computer, and when I try to get him off he is like a kid possessed. He really does scare me sometimes. Im on my own which makes things worse, although I do try to be tough and stick to my threats, but I find myself blackmailing him into doing as he is told...where do I go from here, I am starting to feel like I should just give up and leave him to it. but on the other hand, I get worry about what he will end up like if I do.
Poor you febel. I hate conflict and find my teenagers' rage scary (ds15, dd11) but as the responses above say, you must stand your ground and see it through. I too am trying the lowering my voice technique as battles in who can screech the loudest have limited results!
My ds tbh is not that bad and basically is open to reason, however recently I had to re draw the boundaries as the incessant squabbling between him and dd got out of control and I threatened him with cancelling his w/end get together with his mates (on the Sunday). I said I'd phone the hosts mum and explain, he didn't believe I would. He contravened his final warning and he then watched me ring said mum and I told her he wouldn't be coming. I then had to endure all friday evening, all saturday and sunday morning, with ds on the one hand trying to ingratiate himself by helping with chores, saying sorry etc etc and on the other flying in to renewed rage when I wouldn't give in. It was SO hard not to give in, coz the anger was palpable and also underneath it all he is a lovely lad really, but I knew I had to make this a lesson. I stuck to it and in the end we had a nice sunday at home!!
I have since, (and this is the useful bit and the reason we create these boundaries), had to remind him of that incident and point out that if pushed, I will see through my warnings again. He knows now (for the time being) that I mean what I say and he backs down and sees sense.
Interesting references flow . In my experience too teenagers can be very scary.
As Ds 's voice gets louder I try to make mine quieter... >very challenging when he is being a completely and insanely unreasonable nob< I do find that as I speak quieter it makes him lower his voice a bit too in response. I also try to sit down rather than bigging up to him.
Yes, I have often been scared of my son. Especially since he is now 6 inches taller than me, and much stronger.
If both of you are shouting, it is worth bearing in mind that she will probably be feeling as frightened as you. I remember (in a calm moment after an argument) once pointing out to my DS that he didn't realise how frightening he was when he was angry. He didn't believe me. And he was totally convinced that I was the scary one.
Research studies show that teenagers don't perceive facial expressions in the same was as adults or younger teenagers. They seem more likely to perceive fear as sadness or anger, and sadness as anger, and disgust as (guess what?) anger. Basically, this means they often think we are angry even when we're not, and this makes them angry and afraid. So it becomes a vicious circle.
Since I discovered this, I have made an effort to stay calm and not act angry even when I am. I also find that 'naming' my emotion helps - saying things like "I am upset you didn't call me. I get scared when you don't come in at night". And I do seem to get better, calmer responses from DS.
I agree! I have just finished shouting at my daughter after asking her (nicely) to do something. It can be terrifying. AmberLeaf is right though I'm pretty sure it's their hormone surges. Not backing down is the only way. I've just told her that the clothes I bought for her birthday in December are going back to the shop - she doesn't believe me as I rarely carry these things through but I am going to be strong. If I have to incur the wrath of her temper once more then so bit it. She needs to learn that she cannot speak to me as she does! Indeed she has (in the past) just taken the piss.
I think she will hate me and resent me too Febel but it is only for this short time (3 years or so!!!!??) that they behave like this! My fingers are crossed!!!
Oh and Ive also had to nicey 'sorry.................can I have ,my xxx back now' soon as I say no because the punishment hasn't be fulfilled, he would go back to being a rude git, so never fall for that!
He has calmed down a lot recently and seems more acceptiing of being called on his actions.
The blow ups are IMO partially due to hormone surges, I think for some teens, their teenage years are like a 3 yr long episode of PMT!
She will probably resent you now, but tough! she needs to learn.
You are doing it for her own good as she needs to learn that actions have consequences.
I understand to an extent as my 16 yr old DS can be volcanic when 'in a mood'
If you back down they will just take the p1ss!
Anyone else scared of their own child when keeping to punishments? My nervousness and dread is the shouting, screams and nasty words.
Phone taken off her last night (there was HUGE row over something she should have done..the usual..said I was nagging cos had asked her nicely several times,..and not for the first time which escalated, ofcourse as it always does with her as she gets into a spiral of rage and seems possessed and the final straw was the f word) so ..phone off her,as previously warned cos it's the only thing which makes any difference. I went out as previously planned, leaving her with dh..apparently more rows throughout evening, got back at 10.15, she crept down v sorry..and this morning asked for phone back. Rule is 24 hours (not much point being 12 hours overnight, esp when most of it taken up in shouting..poor neighbours..must think we are the parents from hell as NEVER heard loud words from them or their teenagers)
I find it scarey coming up against her, don't like rows myself..feel like going with the dog and hiding!!! sometimes think I am an awful mum and she WILL hate me and resent me for all her life in a corner of her mind.
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