Help! 12 year olds party ended in disaster ..

(29 Posts)
nortonmumoftwo Mon 15-Oct-12 13:54:16

any help/advice you can give me would be much appreciated -

briefly my now 12 year old daughter had a party at our home and later had 3 friends to stay. To cut a long story short I was awoken at 230 am on sunday morning to find 2 of these girls gone! They had left and walked a couple of streets to one of there homes! I rang one of the parents of these girls and they had arrived safely but I could sense they were not happy. The two remaining children (one being my daughter) were extremely upset and crying. Apparently they had all had a row and sided off into 2 teams so to speak. The 2 girls that left threatened my daughter in our kitchen and she couldn't get out of the kitchen to get me and the other girls that if they did not unlock the back door they would be 'smashing the place up'. There was also a lot of quite hard core swearing from one of these girls. After calming down I got the girls back to bed. In the morning it seemed what had happened was as I wrote before. I was expecting a call from the parent whom I rang and I got it around 10am! After the initial accusation of being a bad parent it deteriorated into a heated row! I gave back twice as bad (regarding the threats and swearing)and it all ended around 20 minutes later! I haven't heard fromt he other parent and have no number for her either.
Basically now daughter is back at school.. I have informed the school that there may be a problem and they have spoken to my daughter today re - remaining civil, staying with other friends, etc which all seems good.

My question is to anybody - did I do the right thing - should I have stayed up until they all went to sleep at aged 12? Any experiences of parties going wrong?

LaQueen Tue 16-Oct-12 10:02:18

I think you're perfectly safe having a few girls over for a sleepover, assuming the girls aren't prone to threatening behaviour, or pulling ridiculous stunts like insisting on leaving the house.

I just don't know any young girls who would behave like this. And, it's not something I have ever heard about from friends with young teenage girls, either.

Plenty of moans about how they were chatting until 4am, or chocolate stains on the bedding, or someone crying because they were homesick etc.

But, never, ever this sort of aggressive, threatening behaviour.

I think the OP needs to encourage her DD to get some nicer, friends, to be honest.

izzywizzyisbizzy Tue 16-Oct-12 09:58:47

Boys must be easier, Ive been hosting sleepovers for 8 boys every year, for 11 years and I have never come across anything like this!!

They all sleep in sleeping bags in the front room, (started age 5).

I probably didn't stay awake once they hit 10.

nortonmumoftwo Tue 16-Oct-12 09:54:33

thanks notyummy - thats a good idea about the letter. Funnily enough the other child's parents I haven't heard a thing from! They are probably aware what she is like. You're right about it being common - a lot of her friends have sleepovers of 10 girls! and let them all sleep in the lounge. My daughter just wanted the same. I wouldn't say they were rough friends but the two girls in question were definately 'the leaders of the pack'. They are older in looks/and ways than their years which I why I think they are so popular.

thanks again - best advice yet!

Witchety Tue 16-Oct-12 09:48:31

My girls are now 16 and 18..... Your mum is right, and you will laugh about it one day!

notyummy Tue 16-Oct-12 09:44:47

Tricky. I am not sure you could have done much more if you had effectively 'put them to bed.' The other girls sound pretty rough tbh, and I am a bit gobsmacked that they can go from best of friends/invited to birthday sleepover to threats of destruction. Shocking. If I knew where they lived i would be tempted to write a short letter detailing the facts as you are aware of them, backed by other witnesses, but also apologise for the fright they must have got when they realised their daughters were out and about in the middle of the night. Effectively explaining quite what little **s they were, but acknoeledging why the parents would be alarmed. And then leave it.

I had a sleepover for my 12th birthday btw - 8 girls. Not much sleeping, but nothing akin to this. We all had a great time and watched a dreadful video (Purple Hearts) and ate fish and chips and birthday cake. I don't think you were wrong at all to allow it - I think it is quite common at that age.

nortonmumoftwo Tue 16-Oct-12 09:39:21

PLANS FOR HER 13TH are definately 'on hold'!

Never again - I'm still getting over it now!

My mum says one day I will look back and laugh at this - I think I will shudder personally.!

Witchety Tue 16-Oct-12 09:36:43

Blimey!!

So,op, what's the plans for her thirteenth? grin

nortonmumoftwo Tue 16-Oct-12 09:34:46

I do live in a large house(not a mansion) but our bedroom door was shut (for obvious reasons). I admit I didn't hear anything until I was awoken and neither did my husband or second daughter. I'm putting myself in the angry parents shoes and no I wouldn't be happy about my daughter coming home alone at 230. BUT I certainly would tell her off for walking out in the first place without me coming to get her. If they were younger It would have been a different story but I thought (naively) at age 12 they would have more sense. I expected them to be up late chatting, etc but never expected this. Also why did the parents not come and pick them up or contact me after receiving a mobile call from there daughter? I do feel feel responsible and if it wasn't for the threats and verbal abuse involved I would have apologised for my part in letting them go. There was no common ground with this other parent. Everything was my fault and her daughter is the 'victim'.

School is another obstacle as girls have just started secondary and are in the same class. This other child is 100 times stronger (physically and mentally) than my daughter and my duaghter is receiving the expected backlash which we are trying to deal with.

This is all very stressful. It doesn;t help knowing that I brought it on myself.

takeonboard Tue 16-Oct-12 09:05:54

I don't think you were naive and stupid to have more than 1 child to sleepover or that you have done anything wrong/should have done anyhing differently. It sounds like a row that got totally out of hand, if the 4 girls were good friends then you are not BU to expect them to get on.

I would be more concerned about what the row was about - something serious to cause 2 girls to storm out in the early hours and if it is serious and hasn't been resolved how are they handling it at school?

Sounds like the hot-headed one gets it from her parent!

wannaBe Tue 16-Oct-12 09:04:47

I don't think this is about someone being a bad parent per se. but...

As a parent I would be fuming if my child turned up at my house at 2:30 in the morning, having walked home in the dark without the knowledge of the adults under whose supervision they were supposed to be.

Threatening to smash up someone's house is of course not on, but if this row was as heated as the girls say it was, how on earth did it go by without your knowledge? Unless you live in a mantion, surely four girls having an explosive row would be heard? I know that if I've had kids over to stay I wouldn't have slept soundly in case one of them was ill/needed anything/and I would have had an ear open to potential noise from them at any rate.

I don't think you can blame the other parent for being annoyed tbh. Their child was supposed to be under your supervision, and you failed to keep them safe. What if something had happened to either of those girls while they were roaming the streets without the knowledge of any adults?

Yes I think it's a case of lesson learned, but I also think you owe the other parent an apology for allowing their child too leave your house unchecked.

nortonmumoftwo Tue 16-Oct-12 08:48:27

Morning
Yes the rule was that at 1030 they were to stay in their rooms and any problems to knock on our bedroom door. They all knew they weren't to roam the house.

The parent who called me in the morning was fuming to put it mildly. Her main bone of contention was that her daughter said my daughter had 'thrown' her out of our house.In fact it was the opposite my daughter wouldn't hand over the keys to the back door which is when the threats started and things got heated. There were 2 other girls (1 totally independant and friend of other daughter) who witnessed the whole thing and verified my daughters story. I guess the girl in question is snow white! I don't think I have been a bad parent - my first reaction was to check the girls were safe. Although I feel I have been naive/stu[pid in having more than 1 child to sleepover. I will definately learn from this situation.

safflower Mon 15-Oct-12 15:24:28

What did the parent who called you in the morning actually say? Why were you a bad parent? I fail to see that you have done anything wrong.

LaQueen Mon 15-Oct-12 15:17:06

Agree with Lindor and Joe my DD1 is nearly 10, and at her sleepovers, the rule is that they're all in PJs and comfy in her bedroom by 10pm (I don't expect them to actually sleep, obviously).

They know that once DH and I have come to bed (about 11-ish) then the noise has to be kept low, and no one goes downstairs, unless it's really necessary. Any problems, then they come and knock on our bedroom door.

I certainly don't have them roaming the house, after we've gone to bed.

PropositionJoe Mon 15-Oct-12 14:47:46

Yes, I'd expect them to have been put to bed too, and told that they could chat but they weren't to go downstairs again.

MmeLindor Mon 15-Oct-12 14:42:50

Did you go to bed and leave the girls downstairs?

Tbh, I'd have been cross about that. I'd expect the girls to have been 'put to bed' (without much expectation of sleeping).

Saying that, the girls' behaviour was dreadful and you certainly shouldn't be blamed for that.

LaQueen Mon 15-Oct-12 14:35:16

I don't think this is really about what type of parent you are.

What sort of parents do these other girls have, that they have raised them to think stunts like this are acceptable - and to make aggresive threats, including smashing up someone's home, for Heaven's sake???

PropositionJoe Mon 15-Oct-12 14:33:08

Can't you get the phone number for the parent that rang you from the phone belonging to you that the call was received on? I'd want to smooth things over, even if you still feel that she was in the wrong, to model that behaviour to your DD. I imagine many parents would be less than delighted, though really she should be carpeting her own child, not you.

lljkk Mon 15-Oct-12 14:29:29

The girl who threatened to smash the place up, is she normally a hot head?
I can't see that you did anything wrong.

perceptionreality Mon 15-Oct-12 14:22:10

I expect it was because they got excited and over tired, I don't think you did anything wrong OP - you weren't to know what would happen!

To be honest I think more than 2 girls at one sleep over is a really bad idea because they don't settle to sleep and get cross with one another. My dd who is 8 went to a birthday sleepover in the summer holidays where there were 8 girls and she came home exhausted and crying and said she did not enjoy it and that the other girls had also been crying!

nortonmumoftwo Mon 15-Oct-12 14:21:47

You live and learn I suppose - never encountered anything like this - the worst part was the girls mother ringing me and blaming me for whole situation. She didn't believe me that her daughter could have possibly said those threatening things and sworn as she did! Also if it was the other way around - I don't think my daughter would have the guts to go out in the dark in the first place. If she had rang me I would have come and picked her up not left her to walk the 2 streets home in the early hours.

QuickLookBusy Mon 15-Oct-12 14:16:00

For what's its worth-FWIW

Don't beat yourself up. Even if you had stayed awake until they were in bed, I doubt they would have fallen to sleep until the early hours and it could still have all kicked off!

nortonmumoftwo Mon 15-Oct-12 14:13:10

thanks still feel its all my fault and i've been rather blazee about whole thing

nortonmumoftwo Mon 15-Oct-12 14:12:19

thanks for replies - it happened on saturday for 12 year old's birthday. The girls involved were all long time friends of my daughter and had been over many times before. Definately no alcohol involved. All the girls had mobiles so thought that bit was ok. However didn't know too well the parent who rang me - I guess I do now.
I think they all got very tired and things escalted pretty quick and things maybe said in the heat of the moment. It is true though I was naive to think they would get along. I don't know about the 2 other girls but mine and the other friend are fine - they seem to have taken it in their stride.
P.S sorry but please explain FWIW as first time poster

QuickLookBusy Mon 15-Oct-12 14:11:59

I would have stayed awake until the party had finished and then until the four who were sleeping were in their PJs and ready for bed. At that age I didn't want them hanging around downstairs until the early hours.

After saying that, what's done is done and I think you handled the parents and school very well.

Onceortwice Mon 15-Oct-12 14:06:34

FWIW, though (and again speaking as a SM), I wouldn't have a child over to stay unless I had a contact number.

Not saying it's something a parent would naturally insist on, but as a SM I didn't feel it was OK unless I knew the parent.

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