Mumsnet Talk

Hi all,

DS is 12 (yr7) and although mature, still sometimes naiive and still sometimes very obviously a child. I'm posting here because you're all further down the line than me and I'm looking for some of that "older and wiser" advice

His mother and I split when he was only 5 months and he came to live with me 15 months ago. She lives 150 miles away and he sees her every other weekend. Her new idea is that he make the train journey (Midlands city to Cumbrian village) on his own with me putting him on the train at this end and her meeting him at the other.

My long term other half says "yes, he's old enough and mature enough" the ex says "I used to get the tube to school every day on my own" (as I did) and it will save her a lot of money on train fares if she doesn't have to come to collect and return him on the train.

But... I just have reservations about a 12 year old sitting on a train for two hours on his own. The train stops six or seven times and who on earth knows who he'll be sitting next to, get talking to, showing off his card tricks to or sharing his iTunes account with !

As a father, part of me says "no worries - a bit of independence is good and you need to learn to rely on yourself" and the other half says "he's only twelve" and (to quote every grandmother alive) "there are a lot of funny people about".

So all and any views and experiences gratefully received.

My son got a plane from Dublin to London by himself at 12. There is no "accompanied minor" system, so I checked him in, but he did security, found the gate and got on himself.

dh got delayed, so at Heathrow, he had to go through security, find the right bus and get to the airport hotel.

He managed fine and was quite proud of himself.

I think 12 is quite old enough for a direct train route. What is the worst that can happen? As long as you teach him to make sure he is in a carriage with a family, not to stay on his own in the carriage if everyone else gets off (unlikely on a crowded train) and not to actually hand his phone to anyone, he will be fine.

Kids aren't stupid, he's not going to get into trouble in two hours.

I also think he'll manage fine. Presumably this is the same journey he's been making for some time, accompanied by his mum?

PS I am a granny lol!

My (just turned) 11 year old got the train from Reading to Sheffield - 3 hours, but direct. He had a reserved seat, and it starts from Reading, so we had plenty of time to settle him in etc. He was met on the platform by friends. Then came back a few days later. Since then he's also gone to Cardiff, about an hour and a half. He tells me that the train is his favourite way to travel

My 13 year old has gone to Pembrokeshire by herself - about 4 hours on the train including a change.

What does he think? If he's nervous, I wouldn't make him do it. But if he's keen, then why not try it?

Has he travelled on trains himself before very much?
My ds2 is 12 (nearly 13) and I would certainly be happy for him to do such a journey on his own if he needed to, and if he was being met/dropped off at both ends. He's been on trains loads since he was a tiny baby and uses the service bus to school daily as well.

I travelled from York to Bangor by myself as a 10 year old without any problems. I think your son will be fine

12 is fine for this

I think he will be fine. I used to do this sort of thing much further and much younger between my parents and there were no mobile phones then! The potential for disaster was huge in comparison, but I was always fine.

You need to do the journey there and back with him once perhaps (unless he has done it many times before with his mother and she hasn't usually driven him) and make she he knows exactly where and when to go, to sit, to get off, knows all the stops etc, and always has a charged mobile phone with him, some emergency cash and a contingency plan. He will be fine!

Carriages are all open plan these days and much safer than they used to be.

I agree with others. My son did lockerby to the midlands when he was 10. If he is happy with it and it is a direct train it will be fine.

I'd be fine for my 12 year old ds to take a journey like that. Not too much potential for something to go wrong with a direct train and a parent at either end. I'm not surprised his mother is keen on avoiding spending eight hours on the train every other week. I'd say give it a go at least and see how he does.

I have an ex-boyfriend who was a trainspotter in his youth. For some reason his dad wasnt' that keen on accompanying him for his hobby so from the age of about nine till he was twelve and grew out of it, he travelled round the country on his own spotting trains every weekend. I was a bit when he told me, but he had a great time and not once did anything go wrong.

A few texts or phone calls en route might reassure you. You might want to consider doing one trip with him but sitting further down the carriage. That way you can see how he gets on for yourself

Like other children of the 70s, I travelled alone from age 7, for 2 hours by train.

My mum would always ask around if anyone was going to the same destination, and ask that person to keep an eye on me and make sure I'd get off at the right stop.

That bit was embarrassing, but I remember that people always took this request very seriously. I would.

See if you can spot a "mother" on the train who would keep an eye out?

He will be fine-much better if he has to be responsible. Do not secretly do the journey because a, if you tell him he is going to act normally and b, if you don't tell him you will be like some spy story!
He doesn't have to change trains so there isn't much potential for going wrong-and if he has a mobile he can summon help anyway.
People on trains generally keep themselves to themselves on trains-especially if they sit next to 12yr old boys! Even if they do engage him in conversation and he shows them card tricks etc does it matter? They are in a public place. Make sure he doesn't give personal details and promise any contact afterwards-but I would have thought that by 12yrs you would have mentioned that anyway.

Do a few 'what if.....' scenarios with him.

Not only is it fine It is actually really good for him and will improve his self esteem to be trusted and manage.

sorry a meant if you tell him he will act in a way that he would if he knows you are watching.

All the 12yos I know are allowed to go for unaccompanied shopping trips to town. Surely no more funny people around on trains than in a city centre? And if he stays in his seat and there are other people about, there won't actually be much scope for things to happen.

I'm very pro independence "training" myself . My yr8 12yr old travels by bus and train within the city and has done without any problems since yr7. However we started practising before that.

I'm just thinking she'd be OK on a train to london this year (she's been with her older siblings on the train).

If I were you what I would plan is a journey where he is "on his own" but you are also on the train in another carriage in case of dire emergency. I would even "wave him off" from the starting station and not say bye at the end- though I might find that one hard as I'd be getting off to tuirn round and go back again at the same point.

In 8yrs of kids travelling by train and bus (that's 8yrs DD1 plus 6yrs DS and 2Yrs DD2) we have had 2 notable incidents.

Firstly about 6 weeks into year 7 the bus was stopped after and accident infront and everyone turned off "and we don't know where we are" . THat was solved by phone (umm you are bright girls in a city find a road name! and someones dad picked them up).

Secondly at 6 at night DS (returning from rugby practice) was grabbed by the neck by the guy in the seat in front who tried to strangle him. A bystander helped. REported to police- no CCTV so no case (argh!!).

But no train issues and TBH i think you can't live your life to avoid a "random nutter" .

My train travel tips are:
Don't sit in an empty carriage sit with other prople- perferably kids and mums, and if anyomne makes you uncomfortable move seats/carriage and don't be scared to ask said mums/female travelers if you have a problem.

Oh an make sure they know who to contact if the train is diverted etc and how to use a phone box/ask for help at a station if they are landed in the middle of nowhere with no battery on phone or no signal on phone!

Thanks for the input.
OK I geddit.... Stop worrying.
So I did and I have.
He's on the train on his Jack Jones next time.
Tickets bought and advice given (advice was met with half interested "Yeeaaah...." )
Ho Hum...

Oh well done .

Don't get me wrong, the first time I let ds go on his own I texted him about every half an hour, until I got one back saying "this is ds's abductor, I'm using his phone, and I'm just letting you know I'm about to murder him".

I got the point .

hee hee - I love mumsnet!

He will be fine (and I would be neurotic!).

Just make sure he knows to be in a carriage with a couple or family (and move carriage if needed), not to have headphones so high he is totally unaware of what is going on around him. Mobile charged and with an ICE number.

To be honest all the kind of stuff I guess you are teaching him for going around the corner alone never mind miles!

I love the fact you were worried, love that you posted and love that you bowed to the hive mind (on this occasion). I have a feeling your son will be fine.

I'm so glad I've seen this so thank-you Mini for posting. I have a similar issue and actually had said No...much to scary for my 13.5 year old but I'm now reconsidering thanks to this post.

I actually think I would have less problems with flying since it feels more secure - passengers checked in, security, flight attendants.

Can I also suggest that he has contact numbers written down just in case he loses his mobile or for some reason it has no power.... This happened to my DS and now he always travels with phone numbers in his wallet.
Hope he enjoys the journey..

You're braver than me - I don't think I would...but clearly I am in the minority