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Step-parenting

DS 'scared' of DP - help!

10 replies

descendingintomadness · 21/11/2009 20:25

My DS is 4 and spends roughly 50% of his time with his dad (flexible throughout the week as we work shifts). When he comes home from being with his dad, even if he's only been there for a few hours, he refuses to go and see DP or even go in the same room, saying that he is scary. Once he has been home a little while, he is absolutely fine with him again. We have no idea what is causing this, and DP is understandably quite upset by it. Ex-H has been told before about bad-mouthing DP in front of son. Please help!

(background - ex-H and i separated 18 months ago, DP and i now have a 4 month old daughter, and up until very recently DS has been absolutely fine with everything)

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descendingintomadness · 21/11/2009 21:43

Anyone?

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mrsjammi · 22/11/2009 12:21

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Surfermum · 22/11/2009 17:12

I agree, it's completely normal for children to play up when they've been with the other parent, and I wonder if this is just a form of that.

He's still very young and it might be that he's finding his way around his feelings about no longer living with his Dad, your dp moving in to replace him (not that he has, but in the sense that he is the man living with mum) and now a new sibling.

Maybe he's just feeling things he can't verbalise and this is one way he's showing it. If they otherwise get on really well, and if things are back to normal after an hour I wouldn't worry about it and I'd say to your dp to not take it personally.

I'd be very careful of mentioning anything to your ex about badmouthing, just in case he hasn't said anything. It may not be that at all.

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mmrred · 22/11/2009 17:31

Mmm...I empathise with your DP, as this used to happen to me with my DSS - I could tell if his mother had said unpleasant things about me or his Dad from the way he greeted me as he came in the house (or rather, didn't greet me, as he used to ignore me) But as others have said, we are the adults here and you just have to let it lie, be normal and bright and breezy until it passes.

Now DSS is a bit older he can explain a bit more about what is going on, and you realise how incredibly difficult it is for the child to hear this stuff - a lot of the time he feels really guilty about everything, and confused about what his Mum is saying as he knows it isn't true, but equally not wanting to upset her.

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Surfermum · 22/11/2009 17:38

That's a good point. If his Dad is saying stuff about your dp and your ds's experience of things is completely different then he will feel really confused.

And I always think that when things are confusing for them, or they're feeling angry, the easiest one to take it out on is going to be the step-parent as they wants to remain loyal to they're parents.

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descendingintomadness · 22/11/2009 17:39

Thank you for your responses. DP is very new to all this parenting lark, and this is the first time i've had an 'issue'. DS is normally such a happy child, and still is once the initial 'Y is scary'. One thing - DS is still very innocent in the ways of the world (as absolutely a 4 year old should be!), so i'm sure he would have told me if it has come from his father.

I guess we just ride it out

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descendingintomadness · 22/11/2009 17:46

X-posted, Surfermum.

That was a big issue initially - Ex H didn't take the split well (still doesn't, 18 months down the line), and was very vocal about my new DP from the off (saying he was trying to take his place as father etc). My son was too young to understand at the time, i had serious words with ex-H telling him to keep his opinions about it to himself around direct earshot of DS, and DP and i were consistent from the very beginning with my son and as parents. He is very much loved by both of us, which is why DP is hugely upset by DS's recent comments.

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mrsjammi · 22/11/2009 20:37

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mummynumber2 · 23/11/2009 13:21

I wonder if your DS is feeling a bit insecure when he arrives back after being away from you. Maybe he's getting to the age where he realises that life goes on without him, Mummy carries on with DSD and the baby so where does he fit into this?

In the past I think all 3 of my DSC's have been through a phase of not wanting me around when they've been with their DM for a while, despite having a great relationship with all of them the rest of the time. I dealt with it by just leaving them alone with their dad for bit and letting them have some special time with him. It didn't have to be any more than 15 mins or so but really helped everything.