After 6 Long Years without contact

[HappyDi]

DH has the chance to get in contact with his son from a previous marraige. His ex was given custody and he got access on a weekly basis, which never occurred, despite three trips back to court. DH accepted that ex wife would never let him see his son and he would have to wait till son asked to see him (he was 7 at the time).
Within 3 years, the son was in a residential school, sent there by social services (behavioural issues). The boy wanted contact with his dad (contact from mum was sporadic at best) but every time he tried to actually go and see him, mum has found out and kicked up such a fuss that boy is too upset to see anyone. We have 2 children (one with special needs) and I am hesitant to take on this child we have never seen and which his mum clearly cannot cope with (I am being scrupulously fair here) but she won't agree to us visitng the child to get to know him again. Social work are seeing the possibility of their £100 000 a year bill with the residential school disappearing, but won't fight mum unles we agree to take on the child as if mum gives him up he will then be in care all the time with little or no hope of another family. Is this making sense? If it were up to me, I would have him at home with us and we would work through his issues together (they are all issues that are best solved within a family environment, ODD, ADD etc) but DH is having more of an issue, citing concerns that we couldn't cope; that the other children would suffer or that his ex wife would then reclaim the child and put him through more trauma. DH is a wonderful parent to our children, but I don't know how he got on with his first son.
I know I am being sentimental, and the school is a good place (although he has made little or no progress in the 3 years he has been there, he hasn't got any worse), but I can't help but feel the best place for any child is with his family and if mum can't have him, we should.
What do you think we can do? Partial contact is not going to work, his mum has put paid to that.

[piscesmoon]

I wouldn't hesitate. The poor DS seems to have been really messed around. He needs to be with a loving family. DH is equally his father, I think he needs to treat him the same as the other DCs. As the ex seems unstable, and isn't working in her DSs best interests, I think you need to get SS on your side. Insist on meetings and support before you start and an agreement with the ex. Don't take him only to have fights with the ex and have to manage a disturbed DC with no expert advice to call upon.