Step daughter doesn't accept new baby sister

[Sheen4272]

My 11year old step daughter has told her dad (my husband) she doesn't want anything to do with her 3 day old sister. She lives with her mum and younger sister (8) and has yet to see the new arrival. Over the last 6 months we have tried to include her and ensure she knows nothing is going to change but as the birth has drawn nearer she has become more insecure. The younger sister wants to see her and has asked lots of questions. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

[geordieminx]

I guess you need to just sit back, give her space and hopefully she will change her mind soon. Its all very daunting for her and I suppose at 11 she has all sorts of hormones begining to fly around.

We told dp's dd(16) when I was 3 months pregnant - she stopped speaking to us and only just got back n contact 2 months ago - feel very that she has missed the first year of her brothers life - although they do live 400 miles away which complicated things.

Sorry, that probably doesnt help you, she will come round though. Does her little sister want to see the baby? Could you perhas send her a pic in the hope she will see hpw gorgeous and squidey she is?

[Youcannotbeserious]

That's sad, Sheen... But, how is she going to deal with the weekends she is with you and your DP? Isn't she going to HAVE to deal with the baby then?

I can't really see how much effect the baby will have on her for the other 12 days out of every fortnight...

I'd just give it a bit of time, to be honest and, if you can, try to get her to open up regarding why she feels that way....

Hope you can talk to her!

[Heated]

Congratulations btw on your new arrival .

Babies have a habit of inveigling their way into ppl's affections without much help from anyone else; particularly if they give their first smile to that person or similar

Dsd's feels insecure, as at least she was numero uno child in her father's eyes even if he didn't live with her but now she's not (at least, she fears she's not) and it's quite instinctive, almost toddler behaviour.

I wonder if the tactics they advise for introducing a new baby to the house on a young sibling would work? In baby books they suggest: you not holding the baby when she first comes in (baby asleep in moses basket tucked to one side so not centre of attention or in another relatives arms), that it's evident you're really pleased to see them, focused on their news, no-one tiptoes around the baby, no one forces baby on them but let them be curious if they want to be. In ds' case baby had even got him a present. Involving them in helping look after the baby - e.g. bath time and praising their assistance to all and sundry.

Hope it goes well.

[pinata]

ah - poor you. going through a similar non-bonding thing with my 11 year old DSD. DD is nearly 5 months and it was particularly hard when she was new born, as she was obviously did little but scream and sleep

we're nowhere near out of the woods yet, but i would advise, as others have, to let time take its course. children say things they don't mean - once she meets the baby when she visits and watches her grow, maybe even gets rewarded with a smile or 2, i'd be surprised if she doesn't change her mind

in our case, the problem is that DSD's mother is encouraging her to be disinterested. is something similar happening with you, or is it all just coming from her?

[FrayedKnot]

We also experienced this with then 17 year old DSD.

It caused lots of problems - mostly when I was pregnant. Once DS was born I think curiosity took over a bit and in fact once DSD decided to visit she was very taken with DS.

But since we had him (he's 4) contact with both DSD and DSS has been very sketchy and I'm sure us having DS is at the root of it.

Funnily enough my two stepchildren already have a half sibling who was born when they were much younger, and who they have always lived with. I don;t think they had similar problems.

I suspect it is more threatening when it is the "absent" parent's new baby.

I think Heated's suggestions are very good, actually, esp the not holding the baby and focussing on them.

[Sheen4272]

Thanks for all your comments. A couple of days after my post my two step-daughters came for the day and THANKFULLY all went really well and the older one fussed over the baby - even clearing up some baby sick.

[Youcannotbeserious]

Ahh.... Glad it went well!! Good luck!!

Glad it worked out!

[whitesheep]

Sounds good Sheen. I'm pleased for you.

In our situation, we just maintained our relationship with DSD (aged 12 when my son was born) and didn't expect anything from her related to the new baby. She came to our house to see her dad (primarily) and the rest just followed.

Good luck - it really sounds like you'll work this out.

[madeindevon2]

my ds is nearly a year old and his 14 yr old half brother has never seen him. refuses to having anything to do with me or his half brother. (his dad and i have been together 8 years, married past 2) his half sisters are ok alhough they have only seen him about 4 times. (they are 15 and 17) (none of them will come to our house..)
we live an hours drive from them in a different town so DH spends every other weekend seeing them in their home town. my ds and i stay at home.
tough situation.
im not looking fwd to telling my ds he has a half brother who doesnt want to know him.