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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

AIBU or is DP?

19 replies

TheDishwasherFairy · 19/05/2013 18:24

I'm pregnant.

DP wants to take DSD to do lessons in a particular sport. And he wants to do lessons in that sport too. Her lesson would be an hour and he's talking about doing a two hour intensive lesson at the same time. I can't do this sport because I'm pregnant and it's a bit dangerous.

So he asked me would I drive an hour up to the lesson with him and DSD, wait for her lesson to finish then get her changed, feed her and then wait with her while he finishes his lesson. Then drive an hour back.

That's four hours out of my weekend that he wants me to spend hanging around just so him and DSD can do these lessons.

He thinks I'm being selfish and said to me 'if DSD was your child too, would you do it?' To which I replied 'no I still wouldn't bloody do it'. Because its not about me not wanting to put myself out for DSD. I don't like the assumption that my time is so invaluable, I'd have nothing better to do with four hours than just wait around for them both.

I said that he should do an hour at the same time as DSD. He maintains that because of all the faff with getting DSD changed and ready for her lesson, he'd be late for his own lesson. And have to leave early to meet her, etc.

So the only other solution is for him to take her for an hour on one day and he goes on his own for a separate lesson another day.

He hasn't said as much but is inferring I'm being selfish and not 'part of the family'.

I think he's BU.

Am I right?

OP posts:

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brdgrl · 19/05/2013 18:39

Well, DSD isn't yours, is she? So his question is pointless. If she were your's, perhaps you'd have had some say in the whole thing up to this point. Who is paying for the lessons? Why are they happening now when you can't participate? Did you guys decide together that it would be a great thing for DSD to do? Because I bet all those answers might be different too, "if DSD were your's".

Isn't he being a bit selfish, by wanting to save himself time on another day? I agree that it does seem like he is suggesting that your time is less valuable than his, and that has nothing to do with DSD at all.

brdgrl · 19/05/2013 18:41

Having said all of that, if I thought it was a good opportunity for DSD (not that fussed about DH, he can sort himself out!), I might agree to it in exchange for a similar time to myself on another day.

Smartieaddict · 19/05/2013 18:43

I would have thought that him doing an hour, when DSD does would make sense. It seems like an awful lot of faff for you, when you can't join in. I don't think I would be prepared to do that for my own DC, when their Dad could just do one hour instead of two, and save all the hassle.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/05/2013 18:46

yanbu

one of the things I don't do is make a commitment where I have to be somewhere sitting round waiting. All dd's activities can be got to by herself or with minimal input from me - and dh is interchangeable if he has to drive her.

There's no way I'd give up 4 hours on a weekend as an ongoing commitment - what happens when you give birth? One offs are fine for me.

mumandboys123 · 19/05/2013 21:47

welcome to the wonderful world of parenting. I personally do an awful lot of sitting around and filling in time whilst my children are ferried to and from activities, friends houses, their father's home etc. etc. etc. He has a point - are you or are you not prepared to make sacrifices for the sake of your children? You also have a point - you need to find some kind of compromise.

Earthworms · 19/05/2013 21:55

He wants her to do the lessons?

What about what she wants?

Does she actually want to do this sport? I can wholly get teaching your child to share an activity that you have got enjoyed for years, but separate lessons. Nah. If it was the kind of activity that needed professional tuition, then surely if he can't teach her himself then he would actively want to sit there watch her learn?

I've coached and competed at a few complex sports activities, if my Dc s want to learn them I will either teach them myself, or if not appropriate or possible, I would want to be there watching and sharing the experience as they learned.

Earthworms · 19/05/2013 21:57

And Laurie has a good point, how can he comit to such time consuming lessons when there is a baby in the way.

NotaDisneyMum · 19/05/2013 21:58

So he wants to delegate his DC to you so that he can do something he wants to do?

I certainly wouldn't give up 4 hours of my time to look after the DSC when they are with us so that DP can engage in his hobby.

You can employ nanny/child-escorts to fulfil that role -I'd suggest that to him if he insists on doing it at the same time as he's responsible for his DC!

purpleroses · 19/05/2013 21:59

I wouldn't give up 4 hours of a weekend for my own child to do an activity. And not for a dsc either.

An hour maybe but not 4.

Branleuse · 19/05/2013 22:00

why cant he take her

YoniWidge · 19/05/2013 22:10

Does she want to do it or does he? Sounds to me like he's the selfish one -organising both your and dsd's weekends round something he wants to do.

HalfBakedCleverCookie · 19/05/2013 22:13

Yanbu, he is being selfish.

breaktheroutine · 19/05/2013 22:14

I agree with earthworms, I can't understand why he doesn't want to watch her doing he activity. In not wanting to, he's proving its more bout him wanting to do his lesson, rather than it being about his daughter. So why should you put yourself out if he isn't?

Snazzywaitingforsummer · 19/05/2013 22:15

Another one thinking that this would not be practical anyway when you have a small baby around, so I wouldn't get roped into it now.

If he got there early, he could surely have enough time to get DSD ready for her lesson then go to his? And there must be a café/waiting area she could be told to meet him in afterwards? But that would require him to take a bit more time out of his weekend, which apparently he is not prepared to do.

TheDishwasherFairy · 19/05/2013 22:29

DSD is 5 so too young to wait on her own for him when she's finished.

I'm annoyed that he tried to make out I wasn't willing to put myself out because DSD isn't my child. When the fact is, he only wants me to do it because he wants to have this lesson for himself.

I'd never expect him to give up four hours on a weekend to wait around for me to do something he couldn't do. I'd arrange it so that I could do what I wanted to without it impinging on his time.

The fact the DSD is involved somehow means I'm suddenly obliged to do it. And if I don't then I'm selfish and my priorities are wrong.

OP posts:

Secretlifeofplants · 20/05/2013 03:54

OP, sounds like dp is getting ready to be really busy at the weekends once baby is here. Perhaps using dsd as a good excuse to get away?
Sorry, am feeling really cynical atm about own dh. Sod 'em.
All the best to you and your baby. Might not be a bad idea to establish a functioning network of supportive friends, relatives once its born, to make sure you have enough willing people to help.

Smartieaddict · 20/05/2013 07:59

I think you have summed it up quite nicely there OP. He is not prepared to put himself out for his daughter, by arranging his lessons around hers, but you should be! I think words need to be had about double standards!

spg1983 · 20/05/2013 08:04

I am in a similar position and I do go along with what DH wants. But there are lots of certain reasons which made me decide to help out: DSS cannot do any extra-curricular activities when with his mum as she is ill and can't commit to anything other than getting him to school and back.

Plus DH plays this sport at a national level (think equivalent to premiership football) and he is not having a lesson at the same time, he is coaching lots and lots of youngsters for free. I really admire him for doing that. DSS joins in with one of the groups and I go to help as otherwise DH wouldn't be able to coach before and after.

Plus my dd is 11 weeks and is (touch wood) the most contented baby in the world, very portable (!) and when I was pregnant I felt 100% fit to carry on with normal life, so I've been very lucky with that.

Lastly DH truly appreciates what I do and will regularly send me to bed early and take dd off my hands for a few hours to repay the favour. That, along with watching DSS doing something he really enjoys makes it worth it for me. I have to say I did ask myself if I'd do it with dd and the answer was yes, so that helped me make my mind up about doing it for DSS.

Hope that helps - it can work for you but you need to be doing it for the right reasons and you need to be happy with the arrangements.

Xalla · 20/05/2013 09:38

YANBU

I do it I've got to admit; take DSD to activities at the weekend, one in particular is an hour round trip and I do it twice on Saturdays. DH doesn't make me to do it though. It's my choice and I do it because DSD doesn't get too many opportunities to do much but stay home when she's with her Mum plus this particular hobby is something DSD is pretty good at; I think it could be a part of her future.

Saying that I drop and leave her, if I had to hang around for the entire morning I wouldn't do it. I've got DC of my own and it wouldn't be fair on them.

Your DP should not be guilt-tripping or emotionally blackmailing you into doing something for his child that you don't want to do. It's him that's BU.

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