Too fast

(6 Posts)
keelyboo Wed 17-Apr-13 11:11:02

Im not a step parent, my ex has a gf of 5 months, kids have spent maybe 6 (not all full) days with her. They are struggling he wont discuss his relationship with them dd got told "its none of your business" basically hes took them to a strange house and expected them to get on with it (ages 2, 7, and 9)
Ive spent since sun sticking up for him telling them he DOES love them and no one else comes first (ie gfs children) and trying to persuade them to give spending a weekend there another chance..and im still the bad guy and making things awkward for him.
I know i have no rights in stopping her from spending time with them, infact i dont want to but im getting them home miserable and they just relax spending time with me and it all starts again dd1 is withdrawn and unhappy, ds (aged2) comes home clingy and tired and dd2 (7) comes home telling me her dad doesnt care about her.
cant speak to the gf for whatever reasons ex keeps us apart, no need there is no jealousy im happy in a relationship and just want the children happy, theres lots of tension between her children and ours which hes refusing to see, and i just wondered if any step parents had been in this situation and how you dealt with it?

background info, they met her one afternoon, spent a day there not long after then 2 weeks later slept over, 2 weeks later spent the entire weekend there hes only been with her 5 months aswell and these visits happened in the last two months and i totally get he just wants to be with her and he misses her if he cant but he wont talk to them about it, dd refuses to because he doesnt listen (know how she feels) and this was in response to some upset that her wii games are at dads and "well we wont ever go there again and i just want my stuff and and.." lots of crying, i just want to help them adjust because its killing me to see them unhappy but what can i do if he just wont listen?

KarmaBitch Wed 17-Apr-13 11:26:51

Have you tried to talking to your ex yourself about how the children are feeling?

Can you explain to him that they're confused about what's going on because they've been told 'it's none of their business'? TBH you need to tell your ex that it is every bit of their business if his gf is going to be spending a lot of time with them.

Are you able to ask your ex if the pair of you can sit down together with your children and explain the situation together?

IneedAyoniNickname Wed 17-Apr-13 12:23:10

Hi also not a step parent, but my ex did exactly the same thing, with the added fact that his gf was pregnant within 6 weeks.

Ds1 took it especially hard, and when tried to speak to ex about it he said ds1 (8) had to stop being childish and get over it!

Not really got any advice, but am hoping someone will come along soon who has . X

keelyboo Wed 17-Apr-13 13:00:20

He wont talk to me, well he does like just now and says im causing issues where there arent any and projecting my feelings onto the kids, when infact ive done nothing since sunday but stick up for him and try and assure them that everything will be ok!

hes not the 2 yos real dad has always brought him up (short split etc long story) and has now said if the kids are that unhappy the only solution is to not take ds, not sure how he works that out but that about somes him up takes the path of least resistance and whatever will be easiest for him!

devastated and feeling very hurt for ds right now x

Alwayscheerful Wed 17-Apr-13 13:18:24

Keelyboo - you sound a lovely Mum and very reasonable and thoughtful, the problem is their end, when your little ones are with them there are 7 children and 2 adults in the house and they are in the throes of a new relationship. I am not sure if space is an issue but time and attention will definitely be in short supply. Harsh and unfair as it may seem I suspect the new GF is overwhelmed and has probably pointed out that your Ds (2) is not even his biological son. Whilst I can see her point of view it will be heartbreaking for you to see your baby left out, perhaps he is better at home with you, he is lucky to have you as a Mum. Hopefully someone can offer more cheerful advice.

keelyboo Wed 17-Apr-13 13:32:37

thanks always, if ex can happily put someone elses feelings above the child he says he loves then ds is without a doubt better off here with me, and thats fine its not an issue just extremely upsetting.

space isnt too much of an issue although one of her dds has t give up her bedroom EOW so my girls have somewhere to sleep ds was sharing with her ds so i think some of the anomisity stems from that its strange for them all but if i point it out im unreasonable etc, the fact he said ds not going is his only solution suggests to me hes fed up of looking after him or gf like you say has pointed out they dont have to which is very true but the fact he could just hurt ds like that without a backward glance is quite disturbing to me after loving him for 2 years

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