Any SM's out there with a DSC but not children of your own

(14 Posts)
K8eee Mon 01-Apr-13 10:13:11

Basically as it says above, and how have you dealt with the situation. Did you have any difficulties, awkward ex's of your partner.

Just seeing how other SM's deal with DSC and how their relationship is smile

VBisme Mon 01-Apr-13 12:03:58

Hi, I have 2 DSC and none of my own (not likely too either).
I've been in the kids lives 5 years and we share 50:50 care with their mum.
Kids are lovely, and we get on well most of the time (just heading into teenage years, so it could be a rocky road from here).
I leave DH to do most of the parenting, but I cook, help with homework and take part in outings or games. Occasionally I'll step in around bedtimes etc because sometimes DH is a bit slack about it and dealing with tired children next morning is a pain.
I have no relationship with their mum, she's only met me once, but that doesn't stop her sending DH horrible text messages about both of us, (I wasn't anything to do with their split, she dumped DH for someone else, who didn't stick around).
My biggest issue is changing contact, it happens regularly, generally she wants us to have the kids more (which we always agree to), but around Christmas we generally get less time.
For example we were supposed to be taking the kids back this afternoon, but she's asked us to have them a couple of days extra. We can, but as we are both back at work full time tomorrow (she doesn't work), we'll have to organise some childcare, (usually my family).
How are you finding it? smile

K8eee Mon 01-Apr-13 12:20:33

Wow you make it sound a doddlesmile I take it you live quite local to dsc mum? Did you find she was very jealous at the beginning of your relationship? Do you get in well the big sc?

Well I'm newly married, DH has a child and we have been together nearly 2 and a half years. (Yes I know quick to be married! This happened in feb) dsc lives with his mum. DH didn't introduce me to dsc until 5 months into our relationship. I did find it hard to bond with him at first but things have got better and I feel we are a little family when the three of us are together. I must admit, I do feel DH x has a lot of influence over when we have dsc and where and when we pick him up. Do things get easier as they get older?

VBisme Mon 01-Apr-13 12:35:03

Yes, we live close to their mum, which is great for contact with the kids, not so great for seeing her out and about in our local town (never any direct contact, but if looks could kill).

It's difficult to say if it's getting easier, we have different problems coming up, teenagers are such hormonal beasts sad I'm glad that ESS and I had the opportunity to build a relationship before he descending into Kevin-Dom.

All you can really do is parent as a team with DH, (this is vital, you must stick together), and be as supportive of their relationship as possible.

The kids are now old enough to let their mum know if they think she's being unreasonable about contact, but I'm not sure this helps anyone, so we try to keep the kids away from any conflict. As its mostly is having extra contact it isn't much of a problem.

Enjoy being a step mum, it's really hard, generally thankless, but can be very rewarding, and your DH will be eternally grateful grin

Lilypad34 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:13:31

Sounds like you're both living my life!! No children of my own and never will have, everyone says it's different when it's your own but I'd rather not find out!! DSD is 10 this year and I am looking forward to when she's a bit more independent.

I get on well with DSD, I don't have anything to do with the ex I've met her 3 times once she refused to acknowledge me (I was stood right in front of her!) We all live close by each other and she still likes to wade through our lives by insisting on specific days to have DSD which are non rota, If we can do it we will but I do ask DH to tell her no from time to time.

All in all life is good, DSD and I have a good relationship and I hope that it continues to be that way.

SorrelForbes Mon 01-Apr-13 19:02:53

I have two teenage DSSs. I think it would be fair to say that despite my ?they really treat me with studied indifference. They live a few hours away from us (DH's EW moved away when she remarried) and we only are them about once a month if that. It used to be EOW but now they're getting older they prefer to spend weekends with their friends/GFs. We do offer to drive up to see them at weekends if they don't want to come to us but usually they decline or offer us a half hour slot!

DH and I are TTC but my age is against me! The DSC have a baby sibling so I don't think they'd find it too hard if we presented them with another one. I'm not sure how much they'd notice tbh.

I do care about them both but sadly there isn't the bond between us that is once hoped for. They are very young. for their age and very led by their DM who calls me lots of choice names. I wasn't the OW, she left DH for someone else. She competent controls holiday time access but that's less of an issue as they've got older.

I enjoy their company but I know they don't really relax around me so therefore it's hard for me to do likewise. I'm still glad they're in my life though.

fackinell Mon 01-Apr-13 19:27:51

My partner has a 16yo DD. I've been with him a couple of yrs and trying for our own. Had MC nearly a yr ago but 40+ and age not on my side either. DP's DD is uncomfortable around me at best but never rude to my face. Plenty has been said behind my back but disengaging completely has helped. I'm now taking small stepping stones back towards her but tbh I have a difficult time keeping my mouth shut from her exceptionally entitled behaviour and ridiculous demands!!

The exes family have caused a lot of problems and none of them can stand me. Although DP was on his own for 7yrs (exW left him for another man after he raised her other kids by various Fathers) and I only met him 2yrs ago, I am the one to 'blame' and have 'ruined' his DD's life (her words.)

It's a sad story that I hope we can all turn around but at the moment I'm better to blend into the background when his DD is around.

DizzySometimes Tue 02-Apr-13 06:20:57

Count me in. My DSS is almost 16, and DH and I have no children together. I'm really torn about whether I want any at the moment. Sometimes, I really do, as I've always wanted them, and other times I just don't know how it'll work with our current set-up.

It's been a real eye-opener for me. I've been lucky, as I don't have the issues that some posters on here have, although I have sometimes struggled to work out what my role is, and there have been times when I've found it tough, even though my situation is not a bad one. I think you have to be so careful about what you do and don't do as a SM, and even then probably don't always get it right! DSS and I get on well - he's pretty quiet and I like to leave him and his Dad to do guy stuff together as his Dad is, if we're being honest, the main person he wants to see. As another poster said upthread, I tend to leave the parenting to DH, as that is his job, and not mine, although I will always support him, and do give my opinion on any issues as they arise. I like to have a chat to DSS about how things are going, but I've let him set the pace, if that makes any sense? I don't want to be pushy or force stuff on him, so try to be pretty relaxed about things.

DH and his ex have a pretty good relationship most of the time. However, I did find it difficult having to consult a third person about potential holidays, etc. Before I get flamed, I realise the ex is the mum, and would not want to step on her toes at all, but I think she can sometimes be unhelpful when we're trying to plan stuff. Conversely, when she wants to change contact arrangements, she tends to do it the week she wants the change to happen and expects flexibility. Would just like a bit more consideration from her sometimes, and I tend to get frustrated when mums on here then get incensed that the SM would even dare to have an opinion (and I shall now breathe).

Lastly, wanted to say that I think this forum is fantastic. When I first became a SM, I didn't have any friends or family that had any experience of step-families, and I felt really out of my depth. I still do, but the support and information from the ladies on here are invaluable.

K8eee Tue 02-Apr-13 09:36:46

Sounds like a lot of SM's feel the same as I do. I did initially find it very hard to bond with DSS, but he has taken a liking to me, and its a joy to see him. DH picked him up yesterday and it was lovely to see that he was so pleased to see me.

Dh's ex (I feel awful for saying this) but she regularly argues with DH in front of DSS over the phone. I try not to intervene too much but I feel that DSS is hearing and seeing too much negativity between his parents. Definitely not healthy.

DH and I went on holiday to Florida before Xmas and we asked DSS if he wanted to come (obviously it was a yes from him) but dh's ex said that she didn't want him to go as she wants the first holiday abroad with him. Am I the only one who
Thinks she is being selfish? She won't even let DSS see friends of ours as apparently they caused a huge rift between her and dh when they were together, and that is what caused then to split up, which is absolute nonsense.

Hope I haven't come across as too judgemental, I don't like to bad mouth people but I'm interested to see others opinions on the situation.

Lilypad34 Tue 02-Apr-13 09:48:12

I think at times parents forget to put the needs of their children first, to stop and think how it might affect them as they get older and how it may shape their views on future relationships. I guess if they are so caught up in how they feel they're blinded by their own emotions. I think we as step mums can give our DSC some relief to give them the stability and the security and be the constant in their lives no matter how hard it can get.

Not all parents are awful and not all step parents are great, as long as these children feel loved and safe I think that's all we can do!

K8eee Tue 02-Apr-13 10:36:32

DH and I can't show enough love towards dsc. I must admit DH ex has
Done a brilliant job on bringing a child up on her own, and he is a lovely little boy but its just some small concerns we have with his social life. Never has he gone to a friends house for tea, had a sleep over with friends and very rarely goes to birthday parties (this came from dsc mouth). He even said that in school when the teacher hands out invitations to parties, he doesn't get one.

Dsc is brilliant with other children when he is out and meets new friends in our company, and I wonder whether his mum wraps him up in cotton wool maybe as she is a single mum and wants to have someone to love and care for as much as possible and wants to spend all of her time with him. I can totally understand, and sympathise but maybe her selfishness of not giving him these experiences maybe isn't doing him any favours?

I give gratitude to anyone who brings a child up on their own and agree with you lillypad that we all have to step back and take a view on how the child feels and will feel in the future. I am a very young step mum and if anything this new experience has opened my eyes in good and bad ways

Lilypad34 Tue 02-Apr-13 10:54:27

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job K8eee, I find it hard at times as DSD has not really been brought up the way I would do it but she's not my daughter and all I can really do is give her the guidelines we would like in our home. She does blossom when she's with us, we never discuss her mum in negative way when she is in the house and I think it must be really hard to watch your child go to anothers home where there is a SP present.

DH ex GF said the other day "Tell Lilypad (ok obviously not that name!) that she is welcome to have DSD whenever she likes" which in a way was a lovely gesture but in another I do think it's because she wants to get shut of DSD. (she has already asked us to have her full time, which sadly isn't possible at the moment) I don't think parenting is easy and I take my hat off to all parents who do their best to bring up these amazing people!

K8eee Tue 02-Apr-13 13:46:06

Thank yousmileI totally agree with you lillypad on the whole bringin up the dsc not the way you would bring up your own. The thing that bothered me the most is that dsc didn't know the boundaries around the house but has learnt quickly and is such a pleasure to have.

I have a small concern about whether he will change or turn against me and DH when we do have our own children. He is a really loving and caring little boy and I wouldn't think he would be spiteful or nasty towards our children when the time comes, but children can be nasty. Has anyone experienced this?

Also, as the child gets older, does access to them get easier? We haven't got a court order in place, just mutual agreement between DH and his ex. She can be very, very difficult sometimes and although we live 200+ miles away from dsc she sometimes changes her mind last minute hmm

Morien Wed 10-Apr-13 21:51:30

Another one here! DP has 3 DCs, 8, 4 and almost 3, with us almost 50% of the time. We've been together for 2 years (I came along well after DP & ex had separated). We're ttc but as others have said time isn't on my side - am 40 and had an MC last year.

I do a lot of parenting (too much?) because I don't see how I could have got involved with someone with such small children and expect not to parent. Most of the time it's great, but I do feel that sometimes DP takes it for granted - he seems to forget that they're not my DCs, IYSWIM, or he can't see what it matters that they're not. I love my DSCs and they give me a lot but I sometimes feel the need to step back and let DP do everything in a way I maybe wouldn't if they were my DCs. Like a previous poster, I've struggled (am still struggling) to work out my role. It's not a permanent struggle, but there are certainly ups and downs.

I only see their mum now and again in school holidays when the changeover doesn't happen at school. We say hello, how are you, and that's about it. Most of the time she's quite cooperative.

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