Mumsnet Talk

Hi everyone,

I wasnt really sure where to put this thread so started in the general parenting but didnt get alot of responses...so Im reposting here. Im wondering if any of you will be help me with your wordly advice

Not really sure if this is the appropriate place for this thread, but I'm hoping some of you may have experience with this! Just in a bit of a dilemma, and not sure how to move forward. Hoping some of you may have some advice/experience with similar setup.

My DP and I are thinking about having a baby, he's 45, I'm 38. We have 3 DDs between us, youngest 16 which is my DD, plus one 18 and eldest 22, his. Which are my SDs. We are happy, secure, and enjoy our lives as they are. I had my DD relatively young, 22, and was a stressful experience with little/no support from ex-boyf. My DP is divorced, happy to have another but no big urge for him. Happy either way. All my friends now have small children. I'm feeling like I'm missing out a bit and want to be able to do things with them, and have positive happy time with a baby with my DP, and DDs. But at same time I'm a bit torn in that I know how hard it is, I enjoy my freedom now. Anyone on here in similar situations, with baby, without, with older kids. Any tips/advice on how it works?

I have a sixteen year (and 9 month) age gap between my two. I has DS when I was 23 with my first DH and DD when I was 40 with my 2nd DH.

It was (and still is) marvellous being an older mum.

However, DS had just started the first year of A-levels when DD was born, and I was so wrapped up in being PG that I didn't notice that he was really hating 6th form college. He just didn't talk to us, but got a job and dropped out of school. This really came to a head when DD was just 3 weeks old, and it was very stressful for all of us at the time.

Apart from that, DD seemed to know very early on that DS was someone special and they have had a very close relationship from day 1. Also I am much more relaxed as an older parent and have enjoyed it much more than when I was younger.

So, make sure you are still talking and listening to your older kids (unlike me), and enjoy!

Hi RWD, my DH is also 45 and I am in my 30's. He has a DSS11yrs and together we have an 8 month baby, which is not as big an age gap as what you may have but does mean that our baby is going to grow up with a teenager to play with, or not as he probably won't be that keen on playing with a small child when puberty strikes. So I have in my mind considered DD as almost an only child and DH and I don't want her to grow up alone. So I am now expecting DC2, and there will only be 14 months between them. It was a now or never decision, DH does not want to be dealing with toddlers in his 50's. On the plus side DSS can be very useful when he stays with us, was quite keen to muck in at first. Even now he will read her stories and offer to push her buggy for us. I don't know if any of that helps with your decision. Just be aware I suppose your kids will soon fly the nest and your baby will be like an only child, which is fine in itself if they have lots of friends. Or you could do crazy things like us and try to squeeze 2 in asap!!

We are older than you! and we now have 2 DDs, aged nearly 2 and 3 months. DSS is 11, so a smaller age gap than you're suggesting, but it does work out. When DSS can be prized away from TV/ipad etc he is really good with the girls, but I guess like Stepmooster I realise that in not that many years he'll be off doing his own thing and we'll all see less of him. But he might be good for some babysitting before then! Only you can make the decision, but it works for us, and I don't see any reason why it shouldn't work for anyone else! If you're both keen to go for it then you'll make sure it works for everyone involved.

Well, just to give you a different perspective. DP and I are v similar ages to you and your DP, and have DCs aged 9-15 at present - so a little younger than yours but no joint ones. Like you, many of my friends are just now getting round to having babies and I miss out on all the stuff they do together as maternity leave seems a very distant memory... But we've decided not to have any more. Partly we feel we have our hands full already, and partly I feel it would be a step back in so many ways. DP I think feels he's a bit old for another one - unlike me, his friends are mostly his own age and their kids are teenagers already. I like that I can take my DCs exciting places on holiday, do active stuff with them and feel all that would be compromised. It would also mean compromises with work, and a lot less personal freedom. One of the benefits of having no joint children together with DP means we can get times when our exes each have them, and we get time just together. I'd miss that. I also never enjoyed being pregnant, and although the baby bit is rewarding in some ways, it's also really knackering. So on balance I think it won't happen. The house will feel empty in a few years though, I'm sure. And unlike you, I'll be too old by the time youngest is 16.

I'm a bit the same as Purple, we have 4 between us and none together (me 1 DH 3) we have 2 of DH's and mine EW (oldest DSS is nearly 18 so we now see him as and when he fits us in sometimes months go by).

There was a time I thought about it and sometimes still think it would be lovely to have one together BUT I can't help feeling that now they are growing up it would be a massive U turn on my life. I had tough pregnancy with hyperemesis and SPD and then had PND. Had DS when I was 23 now both me and DH are 38 and youngest DSS is 9. I don't know how we would fit them in the house for a start and the thought of having to do the whole playground/first school/nits etc not to mention sleepless nights makes me feel tired, I just don't think I am a strong enough person and worry that it would impact negatively on all the current kids.

Don't get me wrong I have friends who have done it and all think it is different when your older but I still remember all the tough things and thats the best birth control ever

Hmmm thanks everyone, useful insights!

When I had my Dd at 22, unplanned, I missed out on a lot, I had no friends or family living locally and I was very lonely. Ive had a tense relationship with my DD dad for majority of her life. She has very little relationship with him now, his fault. I wonder if my urge to have a baby is more to do with experiencing having a baby with someone you love, being excited about it all, and all that brings. In that case I'm thinking about myself and what I feel I missed out on (& I suppose a bit sad about) rather than thinking about long term. I know that would bring a lot of change and I'm nervous of that!

It really is a tricky one, I suppose I don't want to get older and regret not having one with my DP. But I can see that building and working on my Dd and SDs as my family, doing exciting holidays and experiences (funds allowing!) together should maybe what I focus on rather than start all over again!