They're not bad kids but they're not my kids

(32 Posts)
FedupofTurkey Tue 22-Jan-13 17:30:07

Probably be flamed for that.

I mean, they're not very badly behaved - they have their moments!

Its just they've not been raised as mine has - in as much as language, politeness, materialistic and wanting stuff and not respecting stuff and not appreciating they are children not adults therefore decisions aren't up to them!

That sounds bad and they're not bad just need refining in a few areas!

NotaDisneyMum Wed 23-Jan-13 15:21:33

I agree with allnew - if a DSC is not required or encouraged to think for themselves in their primary home, then they are at a loss if their second home encourages independence and problem solving, for instance.

It gets even more problematic if the DC is exposed to negativity regarding the NR households way if doing things; in my DDs case, her Dad called the NSPCC regarding the chores I expected DD to do and he openly discussed his disagreement with her. In DDs case, because she's 50:50, the damage is limited - but if we were the NR household and she was here less often, it would undoubtedly do more damage to be told by her primary carer that her other parent is wrong.

Beamur Wed 23-Jan-13 17:30:22

That's a good point about the difference between rules and values - DP's exW and I have very similar values so we've never clashed over the treatment of the kids. If there has been anything that has annoyed her, either she hasn't said so, or DP has kept it to himself..If anything I suspect she has probably been happy that me being around has helped her kids enjoy a more stable and organised home life.
I've never criticised Mums way of doing things either and DP has never bad mouthed his ex, either to me or the kids TBH.

FedupofTurkey Thu 24-Jan-13 18:25:06

Redhen - how do you learn to detach?

Flurp - how do you not say anything?!

Branleuse Thu 24-Jan-13 22:11:04

i dont see how parenting a child when they are in your care is stepping on anyones toes.
I really hope my exhs wife loves my ds and parents him when he is there. She is in loco parentis.

NotaDisneyMum Thu 24-Jan-13 23:01:39

I am not in loco parentis of my DSC when they are here because they are in the care of a parent - their Dad.

Quite rightly, their mum considers it his job to parent them - not mine.

Why would she entrust the parenting of her DCs to someone she openly and actively resents?

My own DD has a wonderful SM - but my exH has a tendency to put to much in her hands, and the hands of other relatives, and I've had to remind him on more than one occasion that the women in DDs life are not interchangeable and that I don't stop being her mum when she's in his care.

allnewtaketwo Fri 25-Jan-13 06:03:41

Branleuse from my experience, and from reading thousands of posts on here, 99.99999% of mothers absolutely do not want a step mother to parent their child. And tbh I have no inclination to "parent" my DSSs. The conflict in parenting style and values between their 2 actual parents are already sufficiently confusing for them that they certainly don't need me included in that.

Xalla Fri 25-Jan-13 06:31:36

It's so true.... you can set house rules and boundaries but as far as values go, you're screwed. I say this as the wife of someone who does have 50 / 50 care.

Every single parents evening for my DSD since she was 3 (she's 7 now) has focussed on her dishonesty, her uncaring nature towards her peers, her lack of compassion and her love of the sound of her own voice. It's her Mum all over. The word 'bully' has yet to be used but I fear it's only a matter of time.

We deal with it by sticking to our guns when she's here; we insist on manners, on sharing, on respect, on taking turns, writing thank you letters, not littering etc. We get involved in community projects and my DH and I both volunteer at ALL of the kids' schools. We run a marble system for all the kids to encourage good behaviour (but DSD is only concerned with filling her jar 'first'). To be honest though, we've been doing all of this stuff for years and it's had depressingly little impact on my DSD's value system.

My DSD moves between two very, very different environments. She's not the product of a serious relationship - her parents were never 'partners'. They have very different lifestyles, upbringings and values plus they don't like each other much. So it's not surprising she's confused and it's to her credit that she deals with the two different environments as well as she does.

I do think this is the 'blended family' stuff that's the trickiest. What do you do when two homes are so different? Is it better for the kid to not see one of their parents very much than to be split between two such wholly different environments? I spend hours mulling it over in my head and getting nowhere! My DH thought 50 / 50 was for the best...

And breathe....

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