Husband not my kids dad and not always understanding

(18 Posts)
harpolatino Sun 25-Nov-12 08:18:03

Thanks ladies,it was helpful to air my feelings and get your feedback. I love him when he's not being a pig and he can be really helpful it's just he's not consistent and right now has been a difficult patch.

Thankfully the kids all have great male role models around them and my ex has the eldest 2 every other wkend and they have a ball. Most of the time the kids don't pick up on my frustration.

I will continue to ponder,being a slow learner,now that I've had some help from you lot I will need time to digest it. Reading some things on here makes you think.

Thanks ladies.

brdgrl Sat 24-Nov-12 23:46:59

I agree with poppy.

PoppyPrincess Sat 24-Nov-12 22:24:57

Definitely not all men are that way and nobody deserves to be just walked all over.
I do think however that this is a relationship problem rather than a step parenting problem.
It seems that the top and bottom of this is that you don't like him very much and don't want to carry on living the way you are.
I've been a single parent and at times it was tough but at times it was fantastic. Personally I'd rather be on my own than be in a relationship that isn't right, especially since at the moment it sounds like he's only dragging you down by making you and kids do the housework, by pressuring you in to sex etc.
No woman deserves to be treated like that, you and your kids deserve better. Boys learn from their fathers and personally I wouldn't like my son to have a man like that as their role model.
A relationship should be 50/50, it's a partnership, you should work together and support each other. It doesn't sound like that's what you have at the moment.
Sorry I know I'm probably going to get slated for these comments but its just clear to me how unhappy he is making you.

harpolatino Sat 24-Nov-12 21:11:17

I also think I'm a bit pathetic for even siring my feelings in this way.

harpolatino Sat 24-Nov-12 20:59:07

We have a very beautiful son whom I don't to hurt. I blame myself for not being smarter. He's not a bad man,just not right for me and I don't know how to sort the mess. Counselling isn't for either of us. Tho in a way this is therapy! I'm mouthing off cos there's no own else to mouth off to.

I think I've been more than tolerant but maybe having been a single mum,I got used to not having to put up with someone else's nonsense. We've been together almost 7yrs and they've been rocky times,I've been eternally optimistic. But our little one gets upset when his dad is out on a gig,how could I split them altogether?

I don't know. Sometimes I just want to stand at the bottom of the garden and scream,then I catch myself and count my blessings...

JustFabulous Sat 24-Nov-12 20:39:33

No, not all men are like that. Just those who try the wanker card once and get away with it.

Life is too long to be miserable most of the time.

You bring the money, childcare, housework, support to him.

What does he bring?

harpolatino Sat 24-Nov-12 20:19:33

Hmm. Maybe all men are like that? Maybe I'm just stupid? I paid for our wedding,I pay all the bills,food etc. I'm not materialistic,money doesn't get me. I fell in love with him but probably shouldn't have done. He's not a bad person but a very difficult person to live with. Maybe I've run out of patience. Maybe I just think that I deserve better? I mean,the sex thing,I've had 3 kids and I get tired when work is full on as it always is. I've noticed he's always worse when I've not fulfilled the sex thing. Maybe some of us just sent cut our to put up with a mans crap and I only wish I'd realised that a few months ago before getting married. Though having said that,married or not,I won't stay around if this carries on,life's too short.

JustFabulous Sat 24-Nov-12 19:09:39

He doesn't want to "help" you. He wants your kids to do stuff in the house so he doesn't have too. He is a bully imo.

harpolatino Sat 24-Nov-12 19:06:51

Think I should clarify. The kids all have jobs from dishes to gardening to washing etc its just that he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything,at all really. I'm up at 6am each day,he's in bed till 7.45 cos he claims its so he doesn't get in the way of everyone getting ready. I've financially supported him for the past 3 yrs (at least),I've provided for all my kids without financial support from any man,Im obviously a bit thick in spite of myself. I'm fed up with being walked on and used. I'm fed up with the male of the species throwing their weight around when things get tough or their feeling tired. Get a grip,life's pretty hard at times and we can't all sit around fanning our balls....

brdgrl Sat 24-Nov-12 18:37:43

have 3 kids, am married but 2 of my kids are from a previous relationship, my husband is quite hard on my eldest who's 15, he thinks he should do more to help me, I'm quite happy letting the kids just focus on hwk and so on even tho I work full time in a very stressful job.

Erm, I think I am with your DH on this one! The kids should absolutely have other responsibilities besides just their homework...they should be helping out more. Even young kids should be expected IMHO to contribute to family life and be given age appropriate tasks and responsibilities.

I certainly don't agree with above comments saying that he shouldn't have to clean up after your kids, they are his step kids, when he took on you he took on those kids too. I clean up after DP's kids and cook for them, he does the same with my son, he shouldn't be a case of ''well it's your kid so I shouldn't have to do that''
Poppy, I think the point is that neither OP nor DH should be "over doing" for the kids - but that if the OP isn't willing to change and ask the kids to do more, that directly affects her DH. He ought to have a say in the division of responsibilities within the home. If the kids aren't doing enough, he is quite right to object, as it directly affects him.
I wouldn't stand for my DH 'doing everything' for my DSCs or my DD. I don't think it is healthy for them, it would not be healthy for us all as a family, and it would definitely be detrimental to my relationship with DH.

PoppyPrincess Sat 24-Nov-12 13:47:53

I think you've just answered the question for yourself then, sorry to say this but your dh doesn't sound like a very pleasant person from the way you just described him.
Regardless of whether the kids are doing chores or not he should still be helping out around the house. My DP probably tells all his mates that he does all the house work because he does most of the washing up, doesn't seem to realise that there's the washing, ironing, hoovering, tidying, bathroom blah blah blah but at least he makes a bit of an effort.
Nobody can tell you whether you should leave him or not, that's something that only you can decide but I think you need to talk to him about how you are feeling and ask him to help you out more.
I think it's not unreasonable to ask the kids to do some jobs, even if its just to wash the pots twice a week or for them to sort out their own washing etc.
I certainly don't agree with above comments saying that he shouldn't have to clean up after your kids, they are his step kids, when he took on you he took on those kids too. I clean up after DP's kids and cook for them, he does the same with my son, he shouldn't be a case of ''well it's your kid so I shouldn't have to do that''

harpolatino Sat 24-Nov-12 08:57:34

Yeah maybe your right poppy princess. Dh can be really moody and often just wants to focus on his work and can sometimes get so caught up in that,that he pays little attention to our child - he could spend a whole day practising (he's a musician) whilst I'm out at work and if the youngest is at home then the tv goes on and that's pretty much it and the dishes don't get done etc. he's very demanding in terms of being intimate and very moody sometimes nasty when he doesn't get "it". I'm a grafter and so are the kids in lots of ways but I don't see why their childhood has to be all about doing chores,mine wasn't and I had no problem fending for myself when I left for uni. Dh has a right temper too but then is equally sorry afterwards.

DorsetKnob Sat 24-Nov-12 08:26:12

Sorry, he has a point, a 15 year old is more than capable of taking some resposibility, in three years time he may well be away and in university or in a flat where he won't have Mummy doing everything for him.

theredhen Sat 24-Nov-12 08:21:02

You've reached a stalemate where you've become so protective of your kids, you can't see the bigger picture.

There needs to be a compromise and if you can see that teens helping out at home isn't about your dp being nasty to your kids but about teaching the kids to take responsibility and be part of the home, then you might move forward.

You obviously both have different views on kids helping at home but you could both compromise on this. Your dh needs to agree to stop the sniping at your son in return for you encouraging them to help more around the house. If your dh still makes excuses about not helping or continues to wind up your son, then you have your answer.

NotaDisneyMum Sat 24-Nov-12 08:03:41

If you're expecting your DH to help you clear up/wait on your teen DCs, because you won't ask the DCs to do anything for themselves, then he's got a point!

Everyone in a family should pull their weight - and if your DH is spending minimal quality time with his new wife because you are spending all your time working or looking after DCs who are quite capable of doing things for themselves, then perhaps he thinks that he's made a mistake, too?

PoppyPrincess Fri 23-Nov-12 23:50:12

Is it more than just about housework etc though? Because it seems quite a small reason to say something so strong as you may leave your husband, the father to your child because of it.
Sorry I don't mean it's not a good enough reason, just I get the feeling that there must be more to it than that?

Cahooots Fri 23-Nov-12 23:41:00

What about some family counselling?

harpolatino Fri 23-Nov-12 22:13:12

have 3 kids, am married but 2 of my kids are from a previous relationship, my husband is quite hard on my eldest who's 15, he thinks he should do more to help me, I'm quite happy letting the kids just focus on hwk and so on even tho I work full time in a very stressful job. My other half tends to say he won't help me out unless I get the kids ( especially my eldest )to do more, which makes me dig my heels in and just get on with things even more. We only married recently and I feel ive made a horrible mistake as he quite often winds my eldest up. Is this normal or should i follow my gut and move on ( I'm financially independent of my husband including mortgage on house and in actual fact, support him more than he does me).....

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now