Here some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on SN.

If your first child is disabled then you should not have anymore children..

(32 Posts)
SoleSource Sun 10-Feb-13 16:33:21

Two women have told me this.

Upset me

Are they right or wrong?

(My DS is blind, Autistic)

elliejjtiny Mon 11-Feb-13 14:41:31

PS feel free to have 10 more children with my blessing. I think I'll be stopping at 4 due to the practicalities of heaving a 7 year old on and off the toilet while being hugely pregnant and the non existance of a contraption with 2 wheelchairs and 2 buggies that can be clipped together or be separated grin

elliejjtiny Mon 11-Feb-13 14:38:06

I have 3 children and another on the way. DS1 has mild hypermobility, DS2 has EDS and uses a wheelchair. DS3 has hypermobility. Not sure about DC4 yet. People say this to me. Personally I think they only have the right to comment if they are providing significant amounts of respite. Yes DS2 costs the state money in DLA and carers allowance but someone who comments DC might cost the state far more if they become a drug addict, have 10 children on benefits or become paralysed or suffer severe brain damage in a car accident.

SoleSource Mon 11-Feb-13 14:23:23

I am an.idiot. I know they are being stupid but I take it on board.

Also had lots of comments about DS needing a school bus when we have a motability car...


Cheeky fuckers!!

ouryve Mon 11-Feb-13 10:33:04

Of course, they're wrong. Besides, DS1 wasn't diagnosed until after DS2 was born. We would have stopped at two, regardless, but we did feel we couldn't cope with any more children and took steps to make sure we couldn't have any more. That was our own personal decision based on our own, personal circumstances, though. There might be times when we hmm at other people's choices when it comes to having a family, simply because we don't think we'd want to do the same, in their shoes, but we would never dream of imposing our own beliefs or thoughts on others.

Obnoxious, ignorant people shouldn't be allowed to breed and pass their nasty values and attitudes onto their offspring.

MariusEarlobe Mon 11-Feb-13 01:22:33

Sole my cousin has four children,one has severe Sn and will never life independently, the other three (two older one younger) are all NT. But if they weren't then so what.

I was watching call the midwife tonight and they were at an institute in the story for children with sn.

My aunt grew up in such a place until it closed, she had no more sn severity than my dd who has mild learning difficulties. Made me angry.

BeeMom Mon 11-Feb-13 01:07:38

I did it the other way around - my second child is the more involved one, but we later found that her brother has the same condition. I have been asked whether I wished that DS was worse so I "would have known to stop having kids".

I replied "no, but I bet your parents are thinking twice" (in the most drippingly sarcastic tone I could muster). I only said it because it gave me an extra few seconds to visualise my hands around his throat.

Some days you just want to choke the stupid out of people.

feelthelies Mon 11-Feb-13 00:14:38

shock 70s?

Terrible.

The T4 programme sends shivers down my spine, but I see it as a past era. I was born in the 70s.

Scary.

bochead Sun 10-Feb-13 23:48:20

As recently as the 1970's in Australia & Canada mixed race &/or disabled girls were sterilised without their consent lest they produce further "contaminated & impure" offspring. The propoganda of the Eugenics movement of the last couple of centuries has a LOT to answer for imho.

These people have absolutely no right whatsoever to make any comments on who should and shouldn't breed. My recomendation to Eugenicists is usually that they SHOULD do their bit for global resources and overpopulation by setting the example of removing themselves from the gene pool first. wink.

Do what's right for you and yours - after all you are the one raising the child. My gut tells me it's the person who regularly gets up at 3am who has the final call. The right to control our own wombs was a battle women in the West mostly assumed was won a while ago now. Whether that's to have 8 children like my eldest sibling or none at all like my youngest should be entirely our own choice and not subject to censure.

Every woman is different and every woman knows what her own personal boundaries are. Some are naturally incredibly selfless and maternal, some aren't. There is no right or wrong - just what you as a family feel is right for you personally.

Every single child is precious and of equal worth. We learn the hard way never to take anything for granted. Everyone no matter how healthy they feel today - is just one mugging, car crash or serious illness away from disability themselves. I just wish we were fortunate enough to live in a society that could bear that in mind sometimes and the Daily Fail would stop inciting so much nastiness.

feelthelies Sun 10-Feb-13 23:28:11

I don't agree with this at all and am sad and angry that anyone would say this.

However, I wonder if the person was approaching it with experience of families like two that I know. Both have more than 4 children, all of whom have genetic disabilities that were certainly obvious from before their third children were born. Both mothers struggled to cope with the two disabled children that they had and needed a great deal of support to cope, not to mention the usual hassles of Statementing, hospital appointments etc. Both were constantly fighting for more respite etc.

I must admit to wondering, when one family's sixth child was born, how they would manage and what would make them continue to have children, knowing that it was very likely that the next child would also have the same type of disability (not a mild one) and knowing that their family was already struggling. The authorities have continued to provide BUT I would personally be worried, financially, in this current financial climate, about how long the respite etc. will continue.

I wonder if the people saying this crap to you, OP, know families like this and have just taken it to an extreme conclusion. We all have our different limits; I think that nobody should limit the rights of someone to have a child, but sometimes I do wonder if the parents of the two families that I know might have had easier lives if they'd stuck to fewer children. The children would certainly have more time with their parents, more space and more financial security. Maybe that's what they meant.

We all know, though, that there's more to life than money and a big house smile .

whenwecollide Sun 10-Feb-13 21:57:28

I'm shock that anyone would say this to a parent of a disabled child.

DS has autism and I won't have any more, but that's a choice I've made for my family - there's a big risk in our family of autism and I personally couldn't cope with another child on the spectrum (actually, maybe just another child at all, as DS has complex needs). We have relatives with more than one child with autism and I am just not patient enough or selfless enough to give over my whole life to that. They are all very happy with their families though - it is just that I have an easier lifestyle with just the one and that's what works for me.

You have to do what's right for you and your family. I know that all of the families I know with bigger families haven't regretted it.

willowthecat Sun 10-Feb-13 21:07:11

they should be that

willowthecat Sun 10-Feb-13 21:06:33

Do they think they parents of an NT child should or should not have more children? After all with such negative views presumably it would not be deemed acceptable to risk a 2nd child after a non disabled child either in case that upset the precious perfect non disabled life. They sound like the sort of really dim people who don't realise life is one big risk from beginning to end.

MerryCouthyMows Sun 10-Feb-13 21:03:36

Well I would have been fucked then - DD's disabilities weren't dxd until DS1 AND DS2 were born!!

NoHaudinMaWheest Sun 10-Feb-13 20:50:05

That's nonsense.
Its on a par with people who say disabled adults shouldn't have children and makes a mockery of so many people's lives.
Do what feels right for you your partner your child.

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Sun 10-Feb-13 20:41:11

My DS3 is the best thing to have happened to my DS2. Tell them to mind their fucking business. grin

kinkyfuckery Sun 10-Feb-13 20:23:44

This is one of those threads that just depresses. It's horrid to have yet more confirmation of all the ignorant bastards that still lurk out there sad

MareeyaDolores Sun 10-Feb-13 19:05:56

Hmm, think I've heard this before 1930s Germany

troutsprout Sun 10-Feb-13 18:56:53

What Nobs

Goodtalkingtoo Sun 10-Feb-13 18:52:52

Oh my word can't believe people think like that. My son thrives due to having siblings who thrive due to them having him.

Strongecoffeeismydrug Sun 10-Feb-13 18:51:42

My first child is NT and my second has autism and people said are you stopping having any more now because of DS disability.
My answer is yes because I have my daughter and son what more do I need I have the perfect little family.
He may not be what they see as perfect but he is to me smile

sickofsocalledexperts Sun 10-Feb-13 18:50:11

The latest research shows that if you have one autistic child, there is a 1in 5 chance of having a second with autism . Previous research had put it at 1 in 10. But see I am a "glass half full" gal, so to me that means that 4 times out of 5 your next child will be fine. I have one boy with autism and one normally functioning DD. I have many pals with autistic kids, almost all of whom also have a NF child too. This knobhead who spoke to you is an unkind and unthinking person. Dump them

Dinkysmummy Sun 10-Feb-13 18:43:16

That is ridiculous! Do what you want it is your life!

sickofsocalledexperts Sun 10-Feb-13 18:29:30

Anyone who says this is either irredeemably stupid and insensitive, or has time travelled here from the late 1850s. Either way, ignore and dump from your life pronto.

zzzzz Sun 10-Feb-13 18:22:37

Just ignore them and d what you want to do. One life is all you get.

TumbleWeeds Sun 10-Feb-13 17:43:53

There are so many reasons for a child to have some SN. A lot of them have little to do wirt genetics and a lot to do with luck, or rather the lack of luck.
Or is it that these people aren't thinking the next child is mire surely to be disabled but think that with a child with SN then you won't have time for another baby? In that case what about older siblings?
Seriously, you need to do what is right for you and your family exactly in the same way than if you had an nt child.

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