This may turn into the ramblings of a woman who has had a glass of wine 
, but I just feel like I want to write it down.
My DS has just turned 3 and we've been on the road towards possible Asd dx for about 8 months. He has a speech delay but has come on loads recently; not quite conversational but not far away, and he definitely has some Asd traits. He's my gorgeous, loving, fun little man and I wouldn't change a thing about him. He's great with his little sister, so gentle and loving, and always wants her to play with him. He's always asking to go to the park or swimming or on the train... Every day is lovely (with the odd tantrum thrown in, naturally).
The thing that I keep thinking is how all this Asd stuff feels like its clouded how I think about things, and I constantly analyse his behaviours or what he has been doing. I wish I could just enjoy him, rather than playing with him and wondering if he's trying to do some pretend play. Or constantly trying to use everyday situations to teach him speech/communication (we're doing more than words).
My DD pointed tonight for the first time. She's 11 months, and I was so pleased! I can't remember when DS pointed but it was definitely well after a year. I've become so aware of these stupid red flag things that most parents aren't even aware are so important. I wish I didn't need to know the things I now do. And then even though DD pointed tonight, I know that doesn't mean she isn't on the spectrum. The odds are stacked against her, and I live with the fear that one day I'll notice that she's starting to regress. Why can't I just pause my brain and enjoy them both? I mean, we do have fun every day, but I always feel it there, at the back of my mind, eating away.
Sorry, this seems to have turned into a bit of a pity party. Today was a good day. I think it was DD pointing that made me realise how differently I look at things now, like a bit of the innocence and enjoyment has gone.
Is it always like this? Does it pass?
Thanks for reading if you've got this far.
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
Do you ever wish you could just turn off your brain?
Lookslikerain · 31/01/2013 20:50
Its not pity..its mental exhaustion! I wish I could turn off my brain everyday, its hard not too. My children are older than yours but when my sons difficulties were pointed out to us our daughter had just been born, she was so different in every way...think my daughter was one of the reasons our sons difficulties began to stand out more over the years. But as you have said you can't help but be on constant watch, constantly analyzing and yes I have spotted some traits in her but are these learnt from her big brother? I don't know, just need to step back a little and relax.
I raise my glass to our ability to have bulging brains but still continue to be wonderful mothers to our beautiful children 
Oh thank you all for your responses. It really does help knowing I'm not the only one to do this.
bishybashyboshy I think you're totally right. It's complete mental exhaustion (and partially non-sleeping DD doesn't help )!
It is so tiring. Constantly analysing my DS's behaviours and constantly worrying about my DD's. She is so different to him in so many ways. She's hit every milestone right on time so far. It makes me really angry actually, because I remember asking the HV about each milestone that DS didn't hit on time. Every time she told me to "wait and see", he was still within "normal ranges" blah blah. No one noticed the bigger picture apart from us. Not that it would have made any difference to whatever dx he gets, but I'll always wonder if we could have done more if we'd got in a bit earlier.
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