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My DD really doesn't like me and exp wants to take her away

(34 Posts)
queencat Sun 02-Dec-12 22:49:45

She is seven, has been formally diagnosed with ADHD, I'm still trying to get other diagnosis for ASD and dyspraxia.

She absolutely hates me. I'm a single mum bringing up three children by myself. She goes to her dad and his partner every other weekend. They NEVER have bad behaviour from her. He refuses to believe there is any kind of issue.

Because her behaviour is so extreme and awful when she is with me (he has witnessed this) he is now saying that I am making her miserable and she is better off away from me.

I don't know how to 'control' her behaviour. Please please help me.

queencat Mon 03-Dec-12 20:42:37

Thank you for your wise words. If she goes to him she will have to change schools and I think that is too much for her, she clearly doesn't adapt to change well and is settled at school. I also don't want to be the mum that gives up and says she can't cope with it all. I feel like I have to try and make this work as she is my daughter and I want her to be happy. I went to see the school again today and they have suggested a family therapy type situation so we can get to the root of it all.

queencat Mon 03-Dec-12 20:44:04

Mrslaughan what is ABA?

ChippingInLovesAutumn Mon 03-Dec-12 20:55:05

Why can't she go for the holidays? No need to change school or anything.

mrslaughan Mon 03-Dec-12 21:04:21

Applied behaviour analysis therapy - I only know a minuscule amount about it - I think moondog knows a lot about it, but also starlight knows quite a lot about it - I am sure there are quite a few ladies on here who know a lot more than me about this.
It's about reinforcing good behaviour, and changing behaviour to more of what you want to see, and less of what you don't. I just did a lousey job of explaining that. Mostly used for autistic spectrum disorder - but I believe has been used successfully with ADHD and other learning disorders, where you want to change behaviour.
Sorry - I have explained that badly, but goggle it.

Hippocrocopig Mon 03-Dec-12 21:36:45

Oh Queen, I could have written your post myself. We are in exactly the same situation and I just know how much it hurts. I also have 3 kids, I am also on own.

My dd has ADHD, dyspraxia, socia comms disorder and probable Aspergers. All bundled nicely under the umbrella of "Mixed Neurological Developmental Disorder". Se was prescribed equasym and medikenet but the less desirable side effects overtook the positive ones, so we have taken her off it for now.

She tells me daily how she hates me, I'm a useless mum and tonight I'm a "nasty spiteful witch" when all l have asked her to do (for the 10th time) is to brush her teeth. She is 8.

She also says she wants to live with her father ( who is also remarried and she goes with her brother every other weekend). And do you know what, as much as it tears my soul apart. I am almost at the point of agreeing with it. He sees her 4 days out of a possible 31 a month, so of course life is fab over there.

I just wanted to say I feel your pain, if you would like to pm me, please do. Sounds like you could do with the support. smile

CatchingMockingbirds Mon 03-Dec-12 21:43:51

I think going for the holidays will only reinforce her wanting to live there. She'll be able to get up when she wants, no school to go to, eat rubbish the whole time, go out for days out, then after Xmas day she'll have loads of new toys and presents to open. Then when she's back home it's back to school, chores, homework, etc. He needs about a month of school days with her, but obviously the distance makes it really difficult.

Ineedalife Mon 03-Dec-12 21:58:10

Do you know what queen, I remember being stuck in those horrible negative circles with Dd1.

She would come back from her dads full of crap food and loaded with presents and money and then be vile towards me. Saying she hated me and screaming.

I would then feel angry with her which would then lead to her hating me more.

Any requests to do even simple things like get washed or brush her teeth would always bet met with her saying No.

She was and still is very confrontational and she pushes the boundaries all the time.

Children like them are very, very hard work. If someone offers you support of any kind grab it with both hands and hang on to it.

I wouldnt have wanted Dd1 to go and live with her dad, he was a rubbish parent but somedays when she was young I would gladly have let her go.

I wasnt on my own when I had 3 but I didnt have the same problems with the other 2 even though Dd3 has ASD she does not have ADHD and I think that is what makes the difference, that relentlessness.

ADHD/ASD etc are really hard to live withsad

endoftherainbow Mon 03-Dec-12 22:39:01

Don't doubt yourself and get back to listening to your instincts - it's this that has got you so far in obtaining some dx. Perhaps redefine to yourself what you will and won't accept in terms of her behaviours at home - find some that you can ignore so that you can reduce the number of battles and get some respite. If school are suggesting or agreeing to the idea of some family therapy - they are at least listening and believing what you are saying.

swanthingafteranother Mon 03-Dec-12 22:51:58

I too have had a daughter who screamed at me relentlessly, said she hated me, I was worst mother in the world between 6 and 8yrs. But actually, do you know, she loves me a lot, and these outbursts were a kind of frustration at the family situation. She had a brother with ASD who was getting a lot of my attention. She wanted to be close, and that was her way of saying it. Go Away, I hate you.

She needs so much love and closeness so that is what I am working on atm. Lots of cuddles, lots of chatting, less presents, more time, less telling off. Accepting she is only 8. It will get better, but the best thing is to acknowledge that things have not been good between you recently but that you want to change the way you get on with her. There are no overnight miracles, but little by little she will stop feeling she is backed into a corner. FT will help.

I don't think she wants to live with her Dad at all, but that she is screaming for you because she feels unhappy and wants a response from you. The most important thing is to acknowledge she is unhappy not just naughty. You are her mum, you are her most important advocate, and your lovingself esteem is vital to her own self worth.

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