Mumsnet Talk

Ds has just had Aspergers dx and is v anxious about school. I am having a get together on frid for 5 mums I get on with from his primary school. Their children are all at different secondary schools and are getting on well. I am not sure how much info to tell them about Ds difficulties as the Dcs are all in same peer group and I am worried about future poss bullying.
2 of the mums are closer friends and they do know about Dx. I asked them to keep it to themselves and not tell their Dcs. They will be at coffee morn.
We have told school and family as Ds is on meds for anxiety.
If asked by mums how Ds is getting on do I tell whole truth?

My DS is only 5 and has a dx of ASD, but we make no secret of it. It's a part of who he is and there is no shame in that. We feel if helps others to understand his behaviour without judging him.

I think your son is less likely to get bullied for having a dx of AS, than he is for displaying 'odd' behaviour for no known reason.

I would tell your friends tbh, and his friends. If they can't accept who he really is, AS and all, then they aren't really friends.

Other kids know there something "different" about my DS. He's only 7 so the details of diagnosis are too complex for many of them but his best friends look out for him. He uses various aides in the classroom and even a discreete TA stands out a bit.

I think it should be the child's choice at secondary age whether to "disclose". Some find it helpful as todays internet generation can google and therefore gain understanding so a child actually gets protected from kids outside their own close group.

I think it depends on how obvious the differences are and the age of the DCs involved and their maturity/understanding.
With DS1 it is so very obvious - all the class and higher years notice, but the younger years don't seem to notice as much. But then with dyspraxia and doing sports, it is so very obvious.
Different with DS2 and 3. They have different issues. DS2 had some bullying re his, but it was at class level and dealt with - none of the parents knew, or made comment - so I haven't said anything. DS3 hasn't had bullying as such, but some of the kids have told their parents that he is still a baby and in a nappy - and the parents have made comments - so I've explained to them.

What friends ?

Our friends friends yes but not the enemy friends that can't wait to hear yet another issue beyond his speech delay, ifkwim

Yes I mean friends friends! Got rid of enemy friends who tend to be v unhelpful and 2 faced! I asked because we still getting used to the Dx and learning about it ourselves. Only told G parents so far.
Also not yet explained anything to Ds. That is the next step. We have just been busy trying to lessen his awful anxiety which is biggest concern at the moment as I dont really want him on meds for too long.
I was thinking its best not to hide it like a secret and I am trying to think of it like just a name to explain something rather than a label.

hi there,
we are going threw the same as you,
two weeks ago i told someone about our ds dx,and my heart pounded!! i felt sick! it was almost like it wasnt real and then telling someone made it all real,that yes,he has aspergers and adhd.....ive told 4 more of our friends since....how did it make me feel?? relieved!!!! empowered,more proud of my son! im glad i did it and i will continue to tell people who are involved in his life.....there are a few that i wont tell,because i still cant handle the whole,"yes,we knew there was some thing wrong" they can piss off!

i also decided to try and explain to my son why he does things the way he does..
i bought a book called "the red beast" its a story book for children with aspergers,and it explains in the nicest,kindest way,it helped us put it across to him with out saying you have got this aspergers and adhd,x

I have told close friends, but with others it's on a kind of "need to know" basis. On the whole, now DS is getting older I think I'd rather people know he has Aspergers than just think he's odd/rude/just plain weird . I really like this book Can I tell you about Asperger syndrome. It's short, simple and there's a section for teachers

oh, and there's a phrase I heard on here: "Those that matter won't mind, and those that mind don't matter" which sums it up for me.

Thanks crazy. I know what you mean about feeling odd telling people but the good thing is it can give people a better understanding.
G parents felt really bad when we told them because they were often criticising his behaviour and saying things like'why did you say that it's silly' or 'what's the matter with you' so it does help to be more informed.
I not heard of that book will have a look now.

Thanks suburban I also just got that book hoping it might be good to read with Ds who is 11 yrs. I also thought it would be good for G parents to read. My Dh read it last wk too which helped him understand more.

Hope that book helps, flowwithit. Your son might like Luke Jackson's "Freaks, Geeks and Asperger's Syndrome" too - written for teenagers by Luke who is a teenager with Aspergers. His mum's book, "multicoloured mayhem" is inspirational also, she has 7 kids, 4 boys on the spectrum to varying degrees.

thanks to you too suburband.....ill be checking those books out too!!! xxx

I just ordered freaks geeks book though I don't like title it looks like its right age for Ds if I read it with him.

Flowwithit, I agree with you - the title put me off a bit too but the book itself is very good.

DS (7) openly tells his friends about his CF due to a fairly obvious peg and meds he needs during the day, which makes it necessary.

However we are in the process of getting a dx for dyspraxia and he doesn't want anyone to know. He is very embarrassed about his sporting ability but I've tried to teach him that we all have different things we are good at. Tbh I'm relieved we have an explanation and will try to get him to be mor relaxed about it.

After I posted that I immediately remembered that one or two boys have been quite nasty about DS's CF. He thinks that they are really ignorant and a bit dim because they lack the capacity to understand!

He's taken it on the chin, and isn't bothered by the CF, which makes me proud of him. However the other dx is quite new so he needs time to get used to it himself.

Yes
He is 14 now (with dx of aspergers/hfa and dyspraxia) ...i guess it will be his story to tell soon and not mine (if he wants to). I am very proud of him and i can't stop talking about him mostly

I would tell your friends, as someone else has already said, if they are true friends they will support you, if they do not, then you are missing nothing quite frankly. I do hope they all stand by you, I like starlight have had the experience of some of my "friends" showing another side of themselves, but let us always look for the good in people, and you need support.

Yes thank u I think I will have to talk about it otherwise I will just be putting on show of all being ok. Their Dc have all settled at their new schools so my Ds is only one finding it difficult.
Today was v hard as he has come home in floods of tears saying how much he hates school and never wants to go back.
He is now pleading to be home schooled and I am lost for words to help him cope better. I told him he is already Half way through this yr but he just said then I still have half way to go!

I have no idea what's round the corner or how I'm going to keep him in school for the next long term.

Told friends. Think I needed to talk about it TBH. They were good listeners. I didnt go on about it too long though. Been difficult wk for Ds, dreading bk to school after hols.