Mumsnet Talk

Hi all,
This might be a bit of a ramble am still crying after today's parent teacher interview and could do with some of your no nonsense advice.
DD is 5 she has dx of ADHD and dyspraxia she also has really poor social skills and behavioural problems and if I'm honest lots of add traits. This is her second school we removed her from the last one as her behaviour was off the scale. We were given mess for her but chose to try healthy rating supplement route first. She has a statement and is allocated full time classroom asst hours but the board are still in the recruitment process so she is currently without asst.
That's the background! DD's behaviour has improved massively but the teacher today said she is unconvinced that mainstre school is the right place for dd. she said she will wait and see how she gets on with asst but that we should be considering special school. Am so upset just feel do low and have even had that horrible thought go through my head that "DD had ruined my life"
She is bright can read can tell stories etc it is mainly her angry behaviour that is causing problems but to put it on context she owould have had approx 15 violent incidents per week at her last school she now has 1 minor one per week at her new one so therefore I can be forgiven for thinking things were working out ok?
Your advice please x

And sorry for spelling stupid smart phone

Sounds as though she has made progress.
When we were in a similar situation the Ed Psych told us to sit tight and see how DS got on. If the school really think your DD should be at SS her Statement would have to be changed and that would probably involve having a report from the Ed Psych, which means it would take some time. The Ed Psych would definitely want to see how things have gone with the TA. It is never simple getting a child into SS even if you want them to go there.
I know how upsetting it is when this happens, but it sounds as if behaviour-wise she is doing really well.

she has made progress. and she doesn't have a ft LSA yet. that's great.

fingers crossed for a great LSA who bonds with dd and can spot triggers and give dd some more coping strategies.

teacher is jumping the gun. but that's ok - it means she will be even more pleased when dd makes yet more progress with good 1-1 support.

it all sounds positive (bar the throwaway comment, anyway. so just ignore it and get them to progress the appointment of the LSA, which frankly is now what's holding her back - they need to get wiggle on.)

remember as well that if you as her parent want her to be taught in mainstream they have a duty to do all they can to facilitate that. So they are miles away from that as they are not yet providing 1:1 for her. Try not to take this throwaway and rather unprofessional comment to heart. It isn't her decision. I would personally focus my efforts on getting the school to get on with recruiting an LSA. I think that if the school has little experience of children with challenging behaviour, it is quite a culture shock and they tend to react in this way. If you appear resolute, they will probably respond in a more business like way. It sounds as if she has made loads of progress.

Thanks so much for your replies am starting to feel a bit more positive but maybe that's the
It wasn't really a throw away comment by the teacher she was asked by DH " can you say that mainstream then is the right place for DD?" She said I will have to be honest and say just right now No she has so many difficulties and in my 18 years of teaching I have never come across a child like DD"
Tonight I have read through the home/scholl book that we had for her last school and it is horrific it had DD throwing chairs, hitting teacher etc as a daily common occurrence so I can really see what a difference this teacher has made to my DD.
I am thinking should I give her this book and let her read it so she will realise how far DD has come my DH has always said no that it will scare the crap out of her but I think it will motivate her and let her see how far DD has come and what a great teacher she is she is the vice principal.
Jandy You are right the ed pysch would need to come and assess and all she will see is amazing progress from last school as she saw DD in action. But maybe teacher would prefer an easy life without DD so maybe I shouldn't show her book???? She also said the other children have been telling their parents about DD and they have been asking "Is there a new child in class?" I asked have they complained? and she said "No but they are asking questions as we are not used to this behaviour!"
My questions to myself are this
How would DD benefit from SS my answer more one to one care. But then isn't that what a classroom asst would do????? I also think if she sees other angry tantrum throwing kids won't that make her think her behaviour is acceptable.

This school is great the teacher is fantastic we even asked could she stay back a year as I think she is delayed before she told me "Let's wait and see!!" Today when asked she said we don't do that???

I am so confused pass the

Please Help xxx

Is there a particular ss she is thinking of?

I think a lot of primary school teachers are under the impression that there are these wonderful facilities full of highly trained a focused staff and resources that will do the job SO much better than they ever could. I don't believe that is true in most areas.

Your child sounds as though she has challenging behaviour but given the right support she should be able to access the national curriculum and make good progress.

What you need is good support for your dd in school and good support for the school to provide strategies for teaching her. What you don't need is to be worrying about what the other parents think etc. .

I would push for the ed psych, visit all the local ss that look like they might fit [so that when/if they suggest it again you know what it is they are suggesting]. If it was me I would be fighting for ms education but check what kids from the ss do AFTER school. By which I mean do they gain qualifications that help in a real way.

What did the pead say when s/he diagnosed her? Was there any discussion of what her limitations might be?

You sound very sensible and it also sounds like it has been a VERY positive move for her and that her new teacher is very able. I think with all that in her favour you have a very good chance of really helping her.

Hang in there.

Your DD is making progress. Huge progress. Fantastic progress.

She is still so young. Give it a least another term before you even think about this again.

I'm absolutely sure that they won't still be thinking about a SS in a terms time, once they've got a LSA for her and are more used to her.

what indigo said.

however, i'm a bit confused. why hasn't the teacher seen the book from the previous school? there must have been some sort of discussions before she started? so they knew what they were getting? and could support her appropriately?

i might be inclined to make it absolutely clear to the teacher exactly how far dd has come, and how much you value her expertise. so that she knows how much of a change she personally has made in dd in such a short time. blow a bit of smoke.

other parents can go jump. they are not your concern. and your dd is amazing. (i might also be inclined to walk about the playground exclaiming that it is wonderful that at long last the school are employing the LSA that dd needs, and should have had in place to support her, etc etc etc. as far as i am concerned, other parents should be complaining that dd isn't being supported properly, not fusiing about behaviour. the teacher should have said 'yes, unfortuantely there has been a school delay in the provision of support, which we are anticipating will be remedied soon'.)

tis nothing you need to fret over. school at fault, not dd.

and she is being a star.

Special Schools tend to specialise in particular things. There are Special Schools round here for Austism,Learning Difficulties and Physical Difficulties, as well as one for Social,Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties, but they are usually for children with quite severe difficulties. As you describe your DD I wouldn't think she would fit the profile for schools like that at the moment, and there is always competition for places. It doesn't sound as though this teacher has much idea about what Special Schools are like. I think you should just put it out of your mind for the time being.

If the question arises again take a positive stance.

Look interested and ask:

Oh really! Which school are you thinking of specifically?
Okay, so which particular needs does she have that they can meet?
How would they meet them?
Why would you be unable to meet them here?
(she'll say they have 'expertise')
What expertise EXACTLY?

A special school is not a generic thing. Nor is it likely that one will exist that will meet your needs any better than ms. MS might not be ideal, but it is about getting best fit, and certainly they are very cheeky to suggest she doesn't attend without them having made adequate and appropriate adjustments to accomodate her first.

This teacher sounds good, so you don't want to antagonise her, but do make sure she understands that her job is to adapt for your dd and it is your right to expect that. YOu can play them at their own game. Say you want to take the 'wait and see' approach, set clear and measureable IEP targets, get the support she is supposed to have in place and then review after two terms. Accept an EP in if that is what they want and consider applying for a statutory assessment if you haven't done already.

Thanks again everyone

outofbody I did visit the school before DD started and explained in gory detail exactly what they would be getting I left nothing out as as I thought there was no point in sugar coating things. The teacher has said she has been pleasantly surprised as she was expecting the very very worst. Loving your idea of the playground walk wonder if I could get a loud haler thing for that.
Indigo Thanks for your continued support was just about ready to throw in the towel yesterday after all the effort I have been putting in with diet etc felt like serving up Findus crispy pancakes last night but I know I have to keep on going.
Jandyand zzzzzz there is only one special school near us it is a primary school only and has a mixture of children of all different disabilities ranging from Downs to ADHD. I have visited it as I was trying to find the best place for DD after she left her previous school. It is a lovely place brand new and the HT was great but I feel I owe it to DD to give mainstream a proper shot first. She really hasn't had that yet.
Starlight thanks loving the new name who knew your were a Dickens fan as always your advice is spot on. We do have a statement but it is due for the annual review in February which should be interesting as she hasn't even got an asst yet The school have an IEP for DD it is all set around behaviour as teacher says no point dealing with the academic side of things until DD can fully integrate into the class.

Have sent my mum to collect DD today I just couldn't face it but am praying that it has been a good day will find out in the next 20mins when she arrives home like a whirlwind.