Am I over thinking this ?

[WorriedSM]

I'm apologising in advance if this is going to be long- But I prefer putting in as much information as possible!

I'm getting increasingly worried about my resident DSD11. I've been in her life since she was 5 and I had DD1 at the time so I had only infant experience as a parent and I wonder if I didn't completely missed the boat. Now, before I approach my DH and share my worries- I'd like some opinions. I love the girl to bits and would never forgive myself if we missed something and didn't get her appropriate support.

Up until the end of primary school- I must say things were okay but never easy. She'd get along better with boys, didn't master handwriting (to a standard neat level) until year 6 and would struggle with change /focus in class. She had difficulty maintaining 1 friendship that meant a lot to her but sadly since her friend was put into another form group at SC, it quickly faded.

She has been increasingly unhappy, grumpy & withdrawn since starting secondary school last September. I've always seen her as a creative, quirky and unique girl. She can also be quite challenging but it is only now that I am starting to put some of her behaviour together and wonder if we missed anything. I've started to notice more things as my DD8 is growing and becoming more independent.

She is a lovely girl - Loving with us, funny, sensible ( in terms of keeping herself safe, crossing roads on her own, understand what is wrong and right etc ) Amazingly talented artist, she draws beautiful pictures and portraits.

I'll do a list of things that have been on my mind recently-

• Obsessions- MI High, Tracy Beaker and will only play with her sisters if they are re-enacting episodes. With MI High it reached a peak last year, when she would only talk about spies and being a secret agent. This has gone quieter but she still carries her MI Book and Annual to bed with her each night.

• Dolls-Always loved dolls. She's obsessed with baby dolls and always wants us to buy her more ( she has about 10 already) Not really playing as such with them but dressing, undressing, changing and walking around with them. She still actively does that every day and needs to change her dolls before bed every night. It is the same with her Build a Bear. She has 6 of them and will dress them as well in the same ritual- she will get upset if a piece is missing.

• She will spend ages setting up a game (ie dolls) but not play it. Will be very rigid in terms of what they have to wear and the situation. This provokes massive rows with her sisters when they are all playing together because if they don't follow 'her script' she gets really upset.

• Avoiding eye contact when we talk or doing something else when we talk

• She can come across as rude when she speaks to you but I don't think she means it. She will just blurt out answers. She will not see how her demeanour and her way of talking to you is rude. She doesn't see it like that.

• Clothes- She is very picky with them and tends to wear the same thing day after day. This will lead to arguments when we want to wash the said clothes. We have struggled with School Uniform, especially this year, she gets upset if one shirt is dirty and has to wear another. It can take up to 45 minutes just to get dressed to come downstairs for breakfast. ( I've noticed this recently as DD8 gets dressed and is down in 10 minutes ) . For every day clothing she still favours boys' clothes or sports clothes as she finds them comfortable.

• Once she is good at one thing, she will repeat it over and over. She has formidable talents for portraits, but tends to draw the same (imaginary brother) character over and over. In any sketch book of 25 pages( I buy her every moth or so) , you will find 15 to 20 of the same subject. Other than that it will be the stuff she's obsessed with, Characters from MI High and Tracy Beaker and lately Aliens. This is becoming a problem in Art Lessons.

• She says she always feels like the odd one out. She finds it hard to deal with girls her own age.

• Getting organised for school and lessons is a real challenge. We have tried working with her school and organising a timetable for her homework but she will not do it independently. We have to supervise and make sure she actually does the work because she can get distracted so easily.

Sorry about the novel and if you've made it this far- thank you.

Hi WorriedSM.

I think what you're looking at is a lot of small things that on their own wouldn't mean anything, but when you put them together start to form a picture of someone with difficulties around social imagination (accidental rudeness, avoiding eye contact and a rigid form of playing which follows a known script, but isn't imaginative etc) and sensory - clothes.

These are some of the same issues as I have with my DS, who has aspergers, but I know there are some very experienced posters on this board who have a lot more understanding about girls than I do - my DS is still in ks1 so a lot younger.

Has she ever seen a developmental paediatrician?. This person would be in a position to diagnose but its a long process and it all takes time. The GP could and should refer you on; the list that you wrote down is a good starting point to show such a person. I would continue to keep a diary and note as you have done.

Has DH previously commented with regards to his DD or has he not noticed anything out of the ordinary (this can also translate as being in denial of her apparant difficulties). This needs addressing now for your DSDs sake as well as her family's as a difficult school life can easily spill over into a difficult home life too. Does she vent her frustrations of the school day on you at home, if so this is indicative of her additional needs at school not being met.

Have you also spoken to the SENCO at secondary school re DSD?. That is also something I would seriously consider doing now.

Thank you Attila & BH- No we've never consulted any specialists and I think she should. I just need to convince DH.

I just received a set of notes from her teachers and I feel like Im reading the same stuff that is being repeated to us year after year : Easily distracted, Loses focus, Doesn't listen, low confidence & withdrawn.

The great thing is she has made a nice friend, just before Christmas and I have been nurturing that relationship a great deal. Invites to us and she goes to them. I'm praying it last.

I just want the best opportunities and happiness for her as lately she has looked so sad or on edge. She does talk to me but it takes a while for her to open up and say what's on her mind. Usually you'll ask how she is and she'll say : Fine.

When I say to DH that I worry about underlying issues, he says : well she's always been like that, I think he's either not noticing or doesn't want to . I need to have a tough talk with him.

I have a very good rapport with her Head of Year- who is lovely, has given us a lot of support and is very pro-active, I mght just ask her if she could arrange a meet/chat with the SENCO.

Tony Attwood I've found this that may be of interest. Tony Attwood is an expert on AS and that link is some thing he's written about AS in girls.

I'm not saying thats what it is - I don't know your DSD and I'm not at all qualified, but after reading your posts - this is what stood out for me in his writing...

"In early childhood, probably long before a diagnostic assessment, a girl who has the characteristics of Asperger's syndrome will begin to know she is different to other girls. She may not identify with or want to play cooperatively with her female peers. Her thoughts can be that the play of other girls is stupid, boring and inexplicable. She may prefer to play alone so that she can play her way. Her interests can be different to other girls, not necessarily in terms of focus, but intensity and quality. For example, she may collect over 50 Barbie dolls and choose not to enact with her friends from the neighbourhood 'Barbie getting married' but arrange the dolls in particular configurations. There can be a determination to organise toys rather than share toys and also not play with toys in conventional ways. She may prefer non-gender specific toys such as Lego and not seek acquisitions related to the latest craze for girls her age to be 'cool' and popular. There can be an aversion to the concept of femininity in wearing the latest fashions or fancy or frilly clothing. The preference can be for practical, comfortable clothing with lots of pockets. While boys with Asperger's syndrome can fixate on facts, and some girls with Asperger's syndrome can also have an encyclopaedic knowledge of specific topics, there can be an intense interest in reading and escaping into fiction, enjoying a fantasy world, creating a new persona, talking to imaginary friends and writing fiction at an early age. Another escape is into the exciting world of nature, having an intuitive understanding of animals, not people. Animals become loyal friends, eager to see and be with you, with her feeing safe from being teased or rejected and appreciated by her animal friends.

There may be single but intense friendships with another girl, who may provide guidance for her in social situations, perhaps in a benevolent way and in return, the girl with Asperger's syndrome is not interested in the 'bitchy' behaviour of her peers and is a loyal and helpful friend. Unfortunately, sometimes the girl who has Asperger's syndrome is vulnerable to friendship predators who take advantage of her naivety, social immaturity and longing to have a friend. Inevitably there will be times when she has to engage with other children and she may prefer to play with boys, whose play is more constructive than emotional and adventurous rather than conversational. Many girls and women who have Asperger's syndrome have described to clinicians and in autobiographies how they sometimes think they have a male rather than a female brain, having a greater understanding and appreciation of the interests, thinking and humour of boys. The girl who has Asperger's syndrome can be described as a 'Tom Boy' eager to join in the activities and conversations of boys rather than girls.

From 7-10 She dressed as a boy 24/7 (even the uniform bits) and asked for her hair to be cut like a boy. She kept saying she was BoyName : I'm not DSD, Call me BoyName.

Towards the end of Y6 she got bored of being mistaken for a boy and teased so she grew her hair into a nice bob. She has also developed in the space of year so has started puberty, which I suppose doesn't help how she's feeling.

She looks really lovely at the moment, but yes, it has to be practical and comfy. She will get really upset by a piece of clothing that is too tight on this bit or rubs there the wrong way.

She does ''configurations' and scnearios with her dolls and takes picture of those scenarios.

You know, I can see why you have your concerns, but she does sound lovely, you know that don't you!

She is and I love her so much. All I want is to see her happy.

At home, when relaxed, she's a joy to be with : very funny, caring and loving.