I think you need to be really explicit in terms of what you want. ie for your dd WRITE DOWN a list of daily or weekly tasks for her. Obv not too much as she is what 11? 12? But she can and should help out. Talk to her about it and come to an agreement ie she tidies her room twice a week (perhaps with your help to start with). Is responsible for putting her dirty clothes & dishes downstairs - or whatever. You both decide what she should do.

Do NOT expect heavy hints to work, they are easily ignored by people and you are left feeling miserable and put upon.

With your DH I suggest a similar conversation, obv you have to take into account the fact that he works and is away a lot so you will have to take on most of the daily grind (unfortunate but true) but I think it is reasonable that when he is around he can take on a share of the housework. But be EXPLICIT about what would help you.

I think I could put a squillion things at the bottom of the stairs and my DH would never dream of picking them up and putting them away. Men often need to be TOLD.

If you both work can you afford a cleaner? Might be worth the 20 odd quid a week to give you a break.

Hs - yes recently vowed to do this, need to make a life of my own etc, but how do you watch stuff not being done - put away - without it really offending. ie I put stuff at the bottom of the stairs hoping the owner will return it to its rightful place... but I'm a mature female (!**) Men and kids find this hard apparently

stop doig stuff for him til he realises? sit down and tell him what u want him to do??

Been married to Dp for 15+ years, get along Ok, DD great, usual pre teen stuff for a singleton,. DH works long hours inc w/ends and is away too, but imo is not paid for it. I've been keeping it together but I work too, fed up of trying to do it all. I've dropped heavy hints which , bless her, DD has picked up, but DP comes home (when he's here) has his tea, watches TV etc, etc but nothing useful to my workload. I've mentioned it a few times, but I'm left feeling I'm moaning.

Just typing this has made me realise I need to make him do more ... any ideas?