Thanks freya555 - I'll explore this route too. I've made an appointment for an initial session with Relate but think we could both do with seperate sessions on other issue too so will be looking for other counsellors - thanks for the tip.

Have been to relate - didnt find it went deep enough for us -eg we were in dispute as i didnt want to go back to work after having beby and my husband wanted me to so that he could go part time and do a half and half of jobs and chlildcare- we agreed id stay off work and dh go to work full time -councellor said to us dh could enjoy childcare at weekend- thats not how it turned our as dh resented going back to full time when i was off work and there was no exploration of how we may feel taking this option and so we went from frying pan to fire!! I personally like the British assoc of councellore as they work from different perspectives and so you can find a councellor that suits you style wise - google how to find councellor and it should come up....

Our therapist was recommended by a friend who is also a psychotherapist, she does work for Relate, but also works privately. I felt devastated that we had got to the point where we needed someone else to intervene, but its been a godsend, she's fantastic, after the first session I felt like a massive weight had been lifted

So far a really positive experience though you do feel very raw after session finishes. Our therapist is tending to deal with a lot of undealt with issues from both our childhoods which have had a hugh impact on our marriage resulting in H having a breakdown and affair. Still having the sessions, had about 6 so far, individual and together as a couple. Feel that we will have a better marriage in the end. H has had to confront his behaviour and how he deals with things (or not deals with things )and I have to confront my co-dependency/controlling issues.

We do have a very good therapist who also does private work. I would imagine that a lot does depend on how good your therapist is. Ours saw us straightaway and we went straight into having sessions without going on the waiting list as she felt we were an urgent case and would benefit from counselling.

Good luck.

Really really good, has saved our marriage, still in the process, with lots of work still to do, but feeling very positive for the future.

my experience is similar to what Custy described.

aRLcat - that's awful - did you complain?

Am slightly worried if I don't like the counsellor - but then I wouldn't probably kick up a fuss (much to my dh's eternal shame probably, he hates it when I complain)

Custardo and Slashtrophe - the third party thing is exactly what I'm looking for. Just to ask 'is it me or am I right in thinking this isn't normal'. When you're with someone for a while it's sometimes difficult to tell.

Me and ex p went and I found them great. But then I wanted them to agree with me and they did. In our initial session I said I felt controlled and trapped and never listened to, and the counsellor said to my ex p that she would never normally give homework in a first session but that ex p should try and give me some space. The session went on and at the end the counsellor said to ex p, so, do you remember the homework I gave you? And he said, huh, what? And she looked at me and we both rolled our eyes. It was so nice for someone to actually see what he's like. And they certainly didn't insist we stayed together, they looked properly at splitting up as well. His friends and family had so never seen the real him but he had to reveal it. And when he got angry (he's way bigger than me and a lot older), she offered me proper support and seperate counselling, and asked me if I was safe going home, and I was so grateful to them for being a third party who actually saw the dynamics of the relationship with a removed view. So a vote for them here, though ex p would have preferred a man, and I think you might have to see a few before you find the right one.

That sounds terribly unprofessional tbh! I trained in counselling, and there were an awful lot of fruitcakes on the course with me. FWIW, I think that finding out how long someone has been practising for is a good precaution- someone who cries in the first session sounds like someone not fit to practise to me.

it was brilliant - in that the things that dh had normalised - the way he spoke and acted - were so very utterly not with a stranger in the room

imagine saying some of the shit you put up with regularly to a stranger - but somehow its normal in your house.

and dh had to face that.

he did comment that it felt like a dh bashing session and the counsellor was trying hard to get him to talk about things that pissed him off about me - but he struggled.

we were taught some techniques - but we don't use them now.

its the recognition of whats normal and whats not by virtue of there being a third person in the room.

I went to Relate alone because I needed counselling and the issues were relationship specific.

The counsellor was crying by the time I'd finished 'sharing' details of my situation. The next time I went I found myself telling her I was feeling just fine, etc (I was far from it).

Didn't go again upon the realisation that I was spending blah knows what to reassure the counsellor and in that, unsurprisingly my own need of objectivity and support wasn't being met.

I understand the place of empathy in a counsellor but I couldn't endure her level of emotion on top of my own, besides, I already had plenty of emotionally involved people to talk with!