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Not sure if I am being paranoid or not but feel like friends don't like me anymore.

(12 Posts)
Cleo81 Fri 19-Feb-16 22:48:33

I ve always struggled to read friendships and have had difficulty making and keeping friendships all
My life. On the outside I expect I come across as friendly and sociable but inside I find it hard to separate reality and what could be my paranoia.

I know friendships come and go and I put too much emphasis on them but I feel like recently I am loosing friends I have and its because they have got to know me so now don't like me.

One friend seemed to go out her way to do nice things in the beginning and made it clear she wanted to be friends. Over time we seemed to get to know each other and I saw her regularly sometimes at her invite and sometimes at mine. I joined the same toddler group as her and see her there on a weekly basis. Meet ups around the children turned into nights out without them. I can get wrapped up in my own world sometimes but tried to make sure I returned the favour by offering or doing nice things for her. But offers have never been taken up.

Recently I feel like I make all the effort.we only see each other outside toddler group rarely now and at my invitation. She ll chat to me fine at the group but seems to not be interested in meeting up outside of this like we used to. She's always busy. She does reply to texts so not ignoring me but before she would text me to say sorry I didn't get to chat at toddler group msgs now she never sends them and if I send one like that to her age just says it's fine, no invite to meet up another time like she used to. There's a social event coming up at the toddler group, I asked her if she was going and she said she was but no offer to go together like there was last year. A couple of other people she knows are now going to the group so maybe she doesn't need me anymore.

There's also a few other friends who I have to make all the effort with too. I used to see them regularly at my suggestion everytime. One of which would often cancel as she'd double booked or forgot. The others seemed happy to meet up and we d get on fine when we met but now I ve stopped making the effort I don't see them anymore. It confuses me why. I find myself analysing conversations and wondering if I said or did the wrong thing. I was going through quite a hard time so analyse if I moaned too much.

I just find people are very meh about me and when they start getting to know me better they decide they don't like me or I am not there kind of person. I know this is normal but I feel likes it like this with everyone.

Others seem to meet people they connect with and make an effort with and so see each other regularly but not me. Others seem to be introduced to new friends through friends so they join the circle and make new friends but no-one seems to want to introduce me to their friends for that to happen. I am forever trying to work out what's wrong with me.

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 19-Feb-16 23:08:18

I am forever trying to work out what's wrong with me.

I think that this is the crux of the matter.

There is nothing wrong with you. But you will drive yourself mad thinking that there is.

People are wrapped up in their own problems, sometimes their desire to spend time with you does change. It's nothing that you need to take personally.

You sound very down and unsure of yourself. What could you do to boost your self-confidence? Are there things you love to do, that you could do more of? Small challenges you'd like to meet? A counsellor you could speak to?

Marchate Fri 19-Feb-16 23:25:55

Some people are very shallow. They like instant friendships then get bored and move on to the next one

You are probably meeting people like that. They are easy to get along with but won't stick with you - or anyone. They like to be popular without much effort

Long lasting friendships grow over time, often from almost nothing. Sometimes a common interest brings people together

There's nothing wrong with you. If you have plenty of acquaintances, a few real friendships will start to develop

wishiwasntme Sat 20-Feb-16 01:31:54

I just wanted to say that I sympathise. I can't really offer you any solutions, though, as I'm in the same boat. I have no real friends. I don't hear from anyone unless I chase them and even then they don't often reply.

Lol, my funeral will be pathetic as it'll be pretty empty (just a few family that have to be there). I say it in a jokey way, but it's true. Then it will be official that I'm unloveable. How sad am I?!
I've never mentioned how I feel in real life because I don't want to burden anyone and I don't want ppl to feel sorry for me.
I also don't really know what I do wrong. I'm kind, loyal, helpful, trustworthy; (just realised I sound like a dog! , lol). I have a sense of humour and I go out of my way for people, but it never seems to be enough. I talk to ppl easily enough but I can't seem to make proper (real) friends. I've come to the conclusion that I must be an awful, unloveable person (and as you can see, I'm not feeling at all sorry for myself!)

I hope that you find someone that you can rely on and I wish you all the best. smile Sorry that I can't offer any helpful suggestions. I'm sure others will come along that can though grin

susiesuesue Sat 20-Feb-16 07:25:27

OP i've been in a similar situation. I find it difficult to make friends and had a work colleague who went out of her way to become friends with me but then 6 months later dropped me. It completely destroyed my confidence for a couple of years. I think you have to try to become happy with yourself and stop thinking there's something wrong with you, and also try to cut out the overthinking. As Ricecrispies says, don't take things personally. People have many things going on in their lives and your perception of what's happening is only seeing things from 1 side. Maybe some counselling or CBT would help.

Duckdeamon Sat 20-Feb-16 07:33:31

Do you have social anxiety? It'd be good to seek some help with that.

Those were all new friends, with small DC? Things didn't change because they don't like you: nothing wrong with you! lots and lots of new friendships don't become any deeper or long-term, for many reasons.

something2say Sat 20-Feb-16 08:00:44

I know what you're getting at and I think a lot of us realize we have some personal flaws that makes us a challenge. Me for example, due to my history I am very independent and don't like people round all the time, but then I get lonely. My partner has a friend who has depression and doesn't get back to people when they ring. It affects his work as he is self employed, but he is one of the best in the country at what he does, so people have to see past his behaviour.

Whatever it is about you, try to accept it because you are a good person nonetheless, nd we all have things about us that aren't perfect. I wouldn't over analyze the friend, especially not if its one friend. But if you feel that there is something about you, try to minimize it if poss, and otherwise accept it, like the rest of us have to.

X

Cleo81 Sat 20-Feb-16 11:10:16

Thanks for the replies everyone. I do tend to over analyse that's for sure. But because I have always had problems and so only have one or two long term old friends and have always had difficulties I know there is something in my make up which turns people off. I have been told by family members that I can be 'difficult' without even realising. I feel like I missed the friendship cues and lessons when I was younger that just seems to come naturally to others.

I do take things personally that's for sure and must work at not doing that. I know life gets in the way and it may not be that person doesn't like me anymore but they've decided not to spend so much time with me, but this happens so frequently to me. There must be a reason.

I don't think it's because they are shallow as I see them making the time to see other friends and they have quite a few long term friends too. They've known these people longer so I guess they would make more effort but then they must have made effort with them to start with for them to become longer term friends whereas I seem to be the throwaway friend for everyone. Perhaps I give that message out, perhaps they feel I am not there for them like others are as I am not that naturally thoughtful although I try to be.

wishiwasntme Sun 21-Feb-16 20:20:23

You're getting some good suggestions on here. Reading through them made me wonder if people like us have these friendship issues because we don't value/like/love ourselves enough and others can sense it. Maybe they think, even subconsciously, that if we can't value ourselves then there must be a reason for it and so withdraw or treat us badly. I hope you understand what I mean as I'm not explaining myself very well. I often put myself down (in my head I'm doing it before others do) but I wonder if it puts people off because they end up feeling that if I can't value myself why should they.

Anyway, pp have come up with some really useful thoughts so I hope you try to implement them and that they help.

springydaffs Mon 22-Feb-16 01:48:00

Your family say you're difficult without realising it?? That's not very helpful is it! If you don't realise it how can you do something about it?

Out of interest, are your family critical?

Your family has suggested there is something mysteriously wrong with you. It sounds like you believe them. So you're trying harder and harder to not be 'difficult' but you don't know in what ways you are 'difficult'. That's a major head fuck right there!

I've been reading the dating rules thread and I am struck how the same rules could be applied to friendships - Or making friends. Eg make it too easy and we're not respected or valued.

We perhaps assume that because we're all women we will naturally be caring and supportive towards one another. Not so!! Women can be vile to one another, often behave like the worst boyfriend.

Don't try too hard. See yourself as a prize worth fighting for, not someone you hope people will learn to like.

MoominPie22 Mon 22-Feb-16 05:51:46

Cleo this so resonates with me, also what you´re saying too wishiwasntme ( that´s a really negative name btw, you should start by changing that if that´s how you view yourself smile )

I too, throughout my life have found it tough to make and keep lasting friendships. Disappointment after disappointment as I realised I was the one making all the effort, so I would do a simple test with these individuals. I would stop texting/ringing ( cos it was always me making contact initially ) and I would see if people ever thought ¨I wonder how Moomin´s doing...let´s give her a text and see!¨ Nothing! sad

It really doesn take much to txt someone ¨How´s it going? You fancy a catch up sometime?¨ So simple and so appreciated...but nope. So like you, I would turn it in on myself and start to analyse what the fuck is wrong with me?

I think you have an interesting point wish, I´ve never particularly liked myself, even tho I´m a good person, and it´s like people can sense this by instinct somehow. It´s bizarre but that´s all I can think of. Like some sort of intuition, they realise you´ve not got a very high opinion of yourself, like they can sense your aura or something. confused

Cleo I agree with springy, wtf is all this with your family calling you ¨difficult¨? Wot exactly do they mean by that? Not helpful at all and I think we end up carrying more negativity around with us and it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We no longer expect people to like us, or at least not long-term enough to be a genuine friend, so people just end up disappointing us. Cos that´s wot we now expect. I think when you resign yourself to a certain mindset ( and it´s a negative one ), you have to be very careful. I think you give out vibes and people treat you how you subconsciously view yourself.

Cleo81 Mon 29-Feb-16 17:07:33

Yes I agree that once people have known me longer and they begin to see the real me perhaps I do give off that vibe. I am working on it but it's a bit of a viscous circle as I feel rubbish about myself because of the friend thing. I find I want to see people very regularly and they're not that bothered so maybe that comes across as I bit full on?

When I think of people who have lots of friends I aspire to be more like them as I can see why. Trying to be more thoughtful. I think it's probably too late as they all seem to have old friends who they're bound to see more often and be closer to.

Yes, I feel my family and dh are critical of me. Dh says I don't think like regular people and I did grow up thinking something's wrong with me but I fell out with so many people and struggled with friendships I think they must be right. I seem to want to fix myself so I have more friends

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