Seven years ago I had a relationship with a highly charming, manipulative man who was controlling and financially abusive. We were part of a small, close community of people in my hometown where my family still lives, all who shunned me when I left him because he spun a tale of being abandoned and taken for his money. I found the loss of close friends en masse extremely hard, but over the last seven years I have married, moved away and had DC and it is not at the forefront of my mind.
The trouble is - they are all still angry and bearing a grudge on his behalf. I think it may be the fact that they have very little else to do or think about, or rather because he has to maintain this idea that he was wronged or scarred by me to explain why he has been unable to have any other relationships or to excuse any odd behaviour he may now be displaying towards other women.
There have been a lot of lies he has told - some I've known about and others I'm just left to guess at. One is that I am constantly contacting him and harassing him asking to get back together! Which couldn't be further from the truth! That he's had to give me a police warning! Haha. That I'm mentally ill and have been contacting him about my diagnosis. In another lie, he used the death of a member of my family that he'd heard about through the grapevine, to dump a girlfriend, by telling her he was "by the bedside" with me, that I was being highly needy, and for that reason he didn't have time for a relationship with her. I found out about this by her storming up to me on the street and telling me to "get over him" and stop dragging him to the deathbed of my dying relative!!
Of course, all of these are lies that should not affect other people's reaction to me that much, but the thing is - our mutual friend's reactions are very strong, which makes me think that this is the least of it.
One mutual friend even told my boss I was a terrible person, and she couldn't go into details, but he should just be aware that I was someone to watch!
I think this is just the tip of the iceberg of lies about me he has been perpetuating. I would have expected our mutual friends to soften over seven years, but bizarrely they have become worse, reacting to friendly emails from me, or hearing about my news from others with disdain and vitriol. Any time I am in contact with them, either through other mutual friends or bumping into them on the street, they react with hostility.
I know, I know, I just need to ignore it. But I would have expected, all these years later for the rumours and lies to be dying out, but instead the reactions are getting worse. To me it seems to be spreading like a virus, rather than dying a death.
He is a very convincing and charming person and excellent at gaining attention and sympathy. I knew this about him when we were together, but I've seen a whole different side to him since I left.
WWYD?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Is it worth trying to correct people?
9 replies
Ugandandiscussions · 03/12/2015 15:40
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.